Mourning and Peace

Today is 28th December 2007, this date is important because yesterday was very important. Benazir Bhutto President of Peoples Party of Pakistan was assassinated. 27th also marks a date amongst my numerous epiphanies. Death when forced leads to abridged karma. One must complete the cycle of karma- and learn the lessons carefully chalked out. Hence 'thou shall not kill'. As fate had it, I accidentally chose The Motorcycle Diaries to be the next book to be read; the urge was inexplicable till, I came home to know the death of Bhutto. I start to read today.

I was yes shocked, like the rest of the world when, I heard of the assassination- it was just like the world was going mad. So much hatred, greed and anger will reap just this- but is it worth the cause?

Androgene wrote that she was amongst the grossly corrupt and the million rest that we have heard, read and written before. But wont letting her live and reap the pain she has sowed be a worse punishment? why hasten?

Everybody seems to be losing their balance and in-turn the one of their society. how can hate survive without infinite love? How can chains strengthen unless we are immersed in freedom? How can you respect tears if you can't see a sunshine smile? I want to know how? One doesn't exist without the other and eventually the former is destined to dissolve into the latter. Its the way it has been and will be. Is it rocket science to understand something so simple?

Hallucination or lesson?

Since i started my morning yogic breathing, i am observing a detox, however yesterday i ate a vegan sub (not that impure) after my bickering with the wise capitalist. And today morn as i was in mediation, i saw a scary black dog walking towards me- he was large and pitch black, his eyes glistening and for some reason he was angry, very very angry. He walked to me and bit my fore and middle finger that were spread-out on my lap. He bit me with so much force that i was shocked and as a reflex i snatched my hand form his jaw. My eyes were wide open and searching this dog. It took my 30 seconds to get out of that state of shock and realise that i was in my bedroom and on my bed. Something was there- i could sense it. What the fuck had just happened! I had no clue but it was a jerk - like the dog was angry because i was not at peace with myself anymore or something like that.

That bite hasn't gone out of my head- it meant something, i have to find out. Or be patient till it comes to me.

ps. heres the myth of the black dog!

Standing Put

For a couple of days have been down with work and laziness. Since Elightened is here, all i do is spend all the little time i have with him. I like Elightenedgenuinely; we are on the same wavelength, and on a similar plane of wisdom- we bond like there is no tomorrow and although we have been apart for years, it never feels so. Our chats go on late into the night, on topics like cosmic consciousness and music. I wanted him to meet Sunshine and that happened as planned- we met for dinner and parted at an obscene 2 am, time literally flew as we spoke on an array of subjects. I was happy that they liked each other.

The better part was the next day, Christmas was my day to take him out to a popular suburban place. So it would be! I scheduled our itinerary and decided to stay glued, till the wise capitalist called- i was happier as i wanted her to meet Breeze and absorb some of his cool nature! Problem was that she fucked my schedule- her prime suggesting involved her in the center-- so i was okay till i could mould my way back and forth to rearrange it to suit her. So we chucked two plans and head straight as she had to be back for an appointment. At the suburban joint- she came along with the Chameleon, everything was fine till i realised that they were spending unneccessary amount of time there when, we had six other places to go to. As we moved out, it was time for her to go. She couldn't cancel it, so she and chameleon insisted that we tag long and finish her stuff and return. In the freaking B'bay traffic with their stamina, i knew we weren't kming back or doing anything on the schedule. So, I politely asked her to continue with Elightened till i finish my things for the day. That blasted her top with, “what's wrong with u?” when i told her that everything was pending, she in her convenient style blamed it on me. That tipped me off completely. I was willing to forgo my plans after some bickering, but now- No. I stood my ground and as they both chowed on me- i said a firm NO. That is when breeze literally breezed in-- and asked them to not pick on me. Wise capitalist and Chameleon decided to leave and I was comfortable with that. Elightened and I spend the evening together (me bitching away to glory about how this is not the first time and how I have to pose angry or they will walk over me... blah blah shit) and on the way finished one of our chores. The list was satiated and the schedule followed, as we returned home by close to midnight.

An hour after the argument Wise capitalist called to check on us and i gave her full dope on where we were.Later Chameleon called and in his sick sense of humour asked if 'my nerves were back in my body' - sometimes i miss my mad self- i miss slapping people or giving them the needed 'what the fuck r u talking, you moron?' look but i went verbal and he safely said that he would call later.

I wasn't happy about what happened, and in my quintessential Gandhian way i said- “I hate fights- i hate to get pissed. I don't like this anger - making a scene on the road; shit- i simple hate it, Elightened”. Later as i was thinking - i needed to tell myself that i wasn't responsible for their bad decisions and illogical thought at all. I was responsible for my word, for myself and my emotions. There was nothing beyond that; and here i was handing them over the right to make me angry- doing something that was not i at all. So i looked at myself and instantly reviewed how i had fared - i knew i had done well.

love becometh

For my upset, child-like Monarch,

--

brown fell the rain,
into the manholes and the pipes,
it drowned fears and desires
it made muck all around.
it aroused the pleasantries and concerns, it jammed the wireless networks

bodies was soaked and souls drenched, the feet were cold and wrinkled.
the rain flood the streets, the vendors flew.
the rain aroused a hundred emotions when,

it fell on the head, arms and shoulders.
we dripped from our eyes, cried for the water around

--- so much water but our throats sore from crying n shouting,
the water was turning from brown to black
oil, dust dead rats floating.
we walk amongst it-

the force within to cross over, compels our feet to tear away,

to evade the dead, to cease our tears,
our bodies are tired and weak.
tongues dry, stomach churns with hunger sounds
we halt- we give up

and just then
the rain stops.
the water thaws for the land to surface
we halt in peace
we thank the soil.
we sleep a peaceful night

the dawn brings a day of introspection-
the capital clean streets are washed dirty
the muck, filth, the oil,the dead,

decorate the streets that look alien.
they don't really belong to us, do they?
we start to criticize, start to curse
who? why? from where? how?
fingers point, hands fly in fury.
we know that a part of us was pushed beneath the carpet,

into the waters, the gutters--
that filth of mind, motive and soul,
that ingenuity of anger and lust, exploitation and growth
now lays bare- before our naked vision-

torturing us, questing us, demeaning us
Is this what I bred?
is this a part of me-
the child within is upset-
the prize is a fake.
the questions real
the answers unbearable.
our love, aims, beliefs, dreams - conditional
our flaws are washed into bright day light
the sun is shining --

it did rise, didn't halt
it rose for us today.

didn't fear the water, the lightning, the dirt
the sun, asking to see - unmasking us in our streets...
the sun- the unconditional ball of fire

-- that boils but doesn't burn
that spreads light so far that shadows expire
the sun- that sun -- that is what i want.
the cursed mid-day hot balloon that drowns me in sweat
that blinds me if i meet his eye
that wild lover who doesn't favor me- who shines on all
that bulk, who comes for me every single day
and brings me a morning to smile,

to forget that at night it poured and cried --
it dries the hate, the lust, the fears
it leads it to into beauty that will awaken in a smile.
in giving --- and rejecting what is not duly mine.
it gives me light to distinguish and forgive
to love and believe
he is the silent wand of magic
my moron called morning!
love becometh you! And so my lover, it becometh me too.

I feel cold

An Indian state re-elected a murderer. A nation of this world scarily did so years ago.

My fury and disappointment screams happiness for the dolts- "An idiot nation/ state elects an idiot leader- how well deserving."

My mind chews on the whys. my heart, however, feels cold- icy cold and shivers to know that I live amongst people filled with so much parochial love that it makes them hate everything and everyone that is not the same parole, color, religion, territory or history. The saffron will give me jaundice- for extremes have always made me sick. I am sad that the alleys are getting narrower and I may have to walk through them someday-

God, give me the strength to smile, to make friends and to not judge them for the biases they bring.

ps. To be a Hindu, one has to erase hindutva from his/her mind; just as it is vital to walk beyond the rituals, to absorb the essence of the religion you follow.

My Hikey Dearest

To flaunt or to hide, is the question. Hickey aka love bite is brilliant way of conveying 'we are damaging the hinges of the bed' and proudly so! I am no more in college (sigh) or I would have jumped to joy and related the details. (suddenly i grateful to not be so openly crazy). Now, I smile and occasionally tease but a hickey is something that has never missed my attention.

There is a psychological history to the genesis its existence. A hickey is like marking a territory; its very rare that you get or give a hickey unintentionally. Its a way of saying - I am taken and I am loving it. However, different people associate differently with the love biting concept.

Childmom very clearly believes it to be animal-like, violent and not really love. For her its a part of lust; love is more like caressing a flower. So forget about the Q. of flaunting, that dammed scar shouldn't be there in the first place!

Demeter on the other hand would flaunt it with pride, its like a matter of fact. An arched eyebrow that will silently question your celibacy, while reassuring to you that her demure nature is a farce and she is quite a spectacle in the needed areas. "I used to have it all over!" she remarked. The casualness reminded me of Black pearl and how he really liked to be tattooed by hickeys- it left people in awe of his active sex life.

Curl queen on the other hand (and this was eons ago) covered her hickey by a stole - not that we didn't see it but she didn't want to make it so public. its a part of her personal space. Drama King, he has a birth mark on the neck which appears as a permanent hickey. (grin)

To flaunt. You got to have the right kind of hickey!

The neck, shoulders, chest, arms, back, lower back, ankles and collarbones are top places to find, give and have hickeys. Its also important that you hickey looks like a 'love symbol' and not a bruise. The size of the hickey has to be just right- not too spread out or like an 20 degree acute angle triangle. The color of your hickey should run btw red to maroon, pink or black- the extremes will kill the look!

For me though, I think the place is a warning. I wouldn't like to flaunt it in class, at work or with family - but friends, casual parties janta street is kinda alright. Its certain sense of respect for the former (not insinuating love making and its after effects are not pious) - apart from that it is the unwanted eyebrow raises and questions that are best avoided. The latter anyway understand and the janta doesn't even matter.

For those seeking balance

Its best to be dressed in mandarin collared kurtis/ dresses when having that awkward hickey. Hiding an obvious one with attempts like a stole, hair, scarf is TACKY.

What's it for you? Show it all the way or is it 'oh no not again!' ?

The week that was- 4

Apart from the regular nonsense, i felt humiliated in a peanut way by the obvious 'wrong choice' of attire for Fruity's engagement. I mean what was I even thinking? Apart from the fiascoes (unlisted here) that made up the entire day- i was out of my mind. I just didn't dress as per the occasion. I was wearing a wonderful traditional fuchsia kurti with Donna's Denims and boots, the disaster is yet to come- paired it all with yellow gold jewellery! It didn't make me look complete in anyway and definitely not up for the event; in fact it was presumed that i had attended some other prior to this one. At that moment i didn't even mind feigning that in fact i had. Although I got over it then, it flashed in my face after the current Kareena-critic over wearing a casual dress for Shobha Asar's jewellery exhibition. (Ps. I really like some of her uncut diamond sets. Traditional Indian jewellery from the Rajwada (royal collection) is almost sinful.). Wearing the right dress for the right occasion and pairing it with the right accessories never felt so important- this faux pas is really embarrassing.

Chameleon isn't well. That shook me for a fragment till i met him-- its was'nt that bad, just the usual unhealthy lifestyle repercussion. But the fact that he is lifelong on medication to manage his immune system upsets me. We are so diseased (read: not at ease) today that it's almost become a normality. Like asthma is as casually taken as common cold; i remember my grandma scolding me for having a chronic cold- it was a big thing for her. She would get aid to eradicate the germs that cause cold from my very system. Things aren't the same any more- benadryl is more of a junkie drug than medication. And every ailment is treated with a band aid. None of it helps in the long run. Cure like its seed is within us, even the worst disorders can be cured by ur immune system. In fact a disease is a way of our body trying to draw attention to a deficiency that needs to be taken care of. For example all spinal disorders arise from an acute emotional dis-satisfaction. All diabetics are prone to thinking too much which affects the mind and in turn the body. All diseases are psychosomatic. The seed and the cure lies in the mind- so its best to find the root and get rid of it. As simple as that!

A balanced mind will lead to a healthy body.

The Week That Was-- 3

Habits. In a vague conversation with Childmom, I taught her some mean lines to combat mean people. This was regarding a certain-someone who at 50 has switched to a new career. Though her family is filled with medical professionals, the level of hygiene is below the lowest allowed in a government hospital. When i saw knotty-potty, my first response was to ask her to have a good scrub bath. And after i got her introduced to the wise-capitalist who needless to say, ripped apart her sense of everything including the air above her head. I would have dismissed it as Knotty-potty's foolishness but, she isn't I.

Childmom was hurt by the display of education that superseded everything else in the certain-someone. It took me a while to convince her that education should reflect in your civil and personal behaviour, more than in your paycheck and attributes. And standing by that rule, she was better off than her certain-someone counterpart.
It's easier to deal with a cleanliness OCD than with heaps of trash, dirt and moss. Yes, the certain-someone had moss growing on her bathroom floor.

That got me to the habit of ruminating on one topic; be it Octogenarian, childmom or anyone else-- they chew on the same stories over and over- the woulds and should's, if's and must's don't seem to leave their side. It infuriates me; as it is beyond me. How can u possibly give so much importance to some ill event that happened two decades ago? Or to some person who now rests in a grave? They are gone. Restructuring them will not bring them back. As my irritability grew - it occurred to me that my tolerance levels were on a slide ride. I have been ridiculing almost everything that is unimportant to me. Certain habits, people, traits are no more wanted around me and switching off seems to be the most difficult thing to do.

The fact that i am only answerable for my life seems to have left the center spot. I am looking for things in people, events etc.. that will be invisible from my life. In brief i am learning from the mistakes of everyone around me- to say it when you have to, for it to not resurrect itself years later as a regret. And that's exactly what i did. When at the Octogenarians, Pedo called and it was our deal to meet earlier but he couldn't make it so i structured my plan accordingly. Then he called and i wasn't feeling right about leaving her for a couple of hours to meet him; especially after he made the meeting confidential. It was lying- in the most juvenile way; but it was still lying. And knowing her- i would have to give her every detail of the why, how, when, what etc.... I stepped down and now am floating on the happy feeling of doing the right thing!

The Week That Was--2

Earlier sometime this week, at the lunchangular I came across Androgene (who is trying to lose weight) and Water Buffalo and Androgene's his talk about his handmaiden was hilarious. I mean who does so much of dim-wit thinking about people who have no direct, indirect or in any dammed direction to do anything with you. But to my absolute surprise, he went on and on about it, to the point that i wanted to make a nasty remark. Yes, I reigned myself- anger sublimated into laughter. Androgene in the best and the worst sense is amusing. His sense of humour, story narration techniques and incredibly funny usage of lexicon holds me enthralled in amusement.

Later in a conversation at the lunchangular, I voiced to Demeter (i had to choose btw saying it or suffering a headache)- that men have crossed the line- they are turning into women, unfortunately they aren't absorbing the best parts of her. Its more like 'I am a dick-bitch!' This has been a very frustrating observation for a long time now. So when i met parrot's beak, i comforted him with this thought, that he was probably the last of the 'men' i know.

That brings us to Parrot's beak; after my revenge on him- i have settled into the 'yes darling' mode. For some very vague reason, i don't want him as a friend but as an acquaintance. though i behave otherwise- leaving him a floating feeling of 'my best buddy and completely bankable' - i want and don't want that but i dont do anything about it either. (i think i am losing it.) Anyways the evening was fine, funny and all horny as expected- we discussed work, sex, women, orgies, aspirations and sex again. He has this funny way with my mother- i like that. I like it when my friends go all out to impress my mom or tease her. Its just the way i wanted it to be; it keeps her in good spirits and that keeps me happy. Well, maybe that's why i want Parrot's beak to be around.

Around Wed or Thursday, I met up with Sunshine for late night pasta - she has an Arabiata fixation. I met up at her place- there is something in that house, almost like a ghost. You can feel the energy pulsate through you, its extremely distracting and very comforting in ways. I have always been open with my dreams to Sunshine, she isn't a 'this wont happen' person; my decisions strengthen when i am with her. That comes to the reason why i met her-- ' I was pulled away from my determination. I was very hesitant to write my CPC essay. Something within me kept holding me back- like it is now. I kept saying to myself that i was reorganising my ideas etc... but i know its crap. I am just scared. Its pure fear of failure and i am not prepared to encounter that. For now, when i spoke to her- it just had to be a part of my priority. Something that i need as much as i need food to eat or as jigsaw's playmates needed life. [Why are we complacent? Why does comfort settle in so fast and why does it take long for commitment to do so? What is with habits, anyway?]

As we walked out of her place and hauled ourselves in the auto rickshaw to reach our dinner destination- we encountered an irrelevant fight between the auto guy and the car-wala. No one was hurt but the potential of being hurt was the cause of the fight. I waited 30 seconds flat, before asking the rick guy to get going and the second he opened his mouth to complain,' ' aabhi khatm karo' (Finish it now). Its history- he went away'. Sunshine stared at me and i went on a defence as to how- this cow-chewing nonsense really gets to me. I mean whats the point of it all? The moment is gone and u are screwing other moments, for whats not even there! like freaking writing this one down. Move on....

The Week That Was--1

I have been super distracted throughout last week. Too many questions racing through my mind, too many discoveries made, too many little but 'happy' decisions taken.

Dates, time and chronology are not my friends, as a media person- that should be my forte, but it just isn't! I think it has to do with the fact that i don't believe in the notion of time-- that makes my life easier and takes unwanted pressure off my mind. And also puts me into a fix every time i am asked 'When?'.

To begin with- weekend was spent with Octogenarian, it was a super warm experience; i often delay my visit to her because she turns to tell me things about the past that aren't pleasant. It was exactly what happened, she told me all about things and people who had not been on their better behaviour, as a result she had suffered. I was attempting to explain to her that it's history; and therefore didn't matter. She said something to the effect of 'not understanding, trauma, harrassment, etc" that made me feel like my heart was cast in iron- "my mother suffered a lot, she claimed. My mom says the same about her, and i say the same about my mom. But i know for sure my kids, nieces, nephews will never have a tear when, they recollect how amazing their parent's life was!' The very thought of being happy forever makes me proud of myself!

I bunked my School reunion, when Cow called, i lied to her that i had to get out- technically speaking, it wasn't a lie. But then again- I went there about two years ago and it was trash. I didn't like school- i was bored, the same happened at the party. I thought it was a waste of time, so i conveniently bunked this year and will do so i guess, forever!
I don't have any affinity to the school or that purple and beige building, or the teachers; the friends i have from school, stand independent from that land. I thought i should feel bad about it. But i don't, coz it reminds me of the best 7 years of my life to follow- College n Univ.
Nothing beats that!

Howlariously disgusting!

Coming to that, last evening was hilarious! I was trying not to sulk the entire day, as beach boy and Lip tuck raced through my mind. I was missing them more than hell. there comes a point in every ones life when, we love a person so much that we don’t want them to make compromises for us but we won’t make any for them either; coz the wise head in us knows it would make us terribly sad. In my case none but I am responsible for my single status.

To cheer myself, I asked the Monk to blog something nice- he politely did but that wasn’t enough.

The day dragged through and while ducking out of work, Drama King (my bitch on leash) called. He had cajoled a nubile into traveling with him to the capital. I was rest assured, he was going to get her drunk and have a dizzy ‘sexy time’. I finished calling him sluttish and whorish and the other adjectives that I use to describe his gender before we got on to his ‘arre aap..suno toh’: that opened the hilarious story of the Vada Pav (the Bombay burger).

His lady of honour wanted to have this strictly Maharastrian delicacy after they crossed the state border, adamantly she ignored his resistance and his bribe to feed her the best Vada pav from the filthiest, most expensive and supremely delicious corners of b’bay. Read, in Drama King's dramatic gestures with intermittent bitchy gay laughter (reminds me of an ugly wench from an old Ramsay movie) here's how he goes--

"She wanted it right now! it was like her orgasm was held on by that one piece of bread filled with fried potatoes. In the bloody middle of the night, while I was enjoying my Wine high, she declares her fetish for Vada pav! The way she was talking about it – with so much passion and frenzy- I got an image that it was a secret delicacy for beautifying her boobs or something!

Finally we got hold of this guy who would get us the Vada pav and I ended up paying 4x the cost for vadas that were smaller than a hen’s boobs! All I could see was mustard lined all over- the seller asked if we wanted the balls inserted in the pav or would we like to do it our self? Yes, it was awful as his language was loaded with sexual innuendos and she was staring at him with gaping eyes filled with immense desire for that plate of vadas in his hand. He proceeded to ask if we wanted green chillies shoved in- and I was looking at her opening mouth (reading itself for that first bite of sinful mashed potatoes); suppressing my laugh and disgust, as I asked him to just let the poor chillies be!

After he left us with the micro mini vadas – she was a treat to watch – she gobbled and made ‘eating sounds’. I couldn’t help but say that 'at this point, she didn’t need a man- she just needed a vada pav vending machine and she did be good for life!' Frankly, I expected her to either laugh or retort with a nasty remark. She did none, except stare at my vada pav- I didn’t mind, but then again I wasn’t aware of her intentions.

I was sipping the litres of wine, we had sneaked in; when she asked ‘do hens have boobs?’ I was bowled over and missed u there mademoiselle. So, I played along n decided to wiki it- it was fun as we ended with some super-gross and funny things. I was relishing my time and took a bite of the vada pav- sipped wine and within seconds she snatched it from my hands and perpetually swallowed it! I didn’t know what had happened; my faintest memory has her chomping on vada pavs. What do I say, today’s women have some fetishes!”

Ps. My write up was brief and just an outline for u to gauge what it must feel like to hear from a straight guy (who is in fact a woman in a man’s body) with an amusing laugh. It send tremors of laughter and people around me were either jealous or had gotten laughing, with me laughing louder with every description in my phone!

It was a treat—and I by the time I reached home I was thanking my stars for all the wonderfully hilarious and boring (I retold it to the monk and a kill-joy that he is, he didn’t find it funny) people in my life.

DK- Don’t forget our Broadway beer pledge or I shall hit u with a Choo. [ He suggested I wear Choo (like i should wear all the strappy shoe pieces i have to work). I live in Mumbai and travel by trains. Can u imagine – a girl wearing Choo on a Borivali platform and strutting down the uneven streets in Mahim? The man is super crazy funny; and how I love it!]

Bygone

Recently I have discovered that it is most difficult to do justice to an event or experience that just went by without u documenting it. Keeping it for a later time doesn’t seem to work with me. Like every time I sat to write about the vogue Nov issue, I had to refer to the mag- I had to counter check it- recollect what I felt when I read it- walk through the sentences and quotes in my mind—all of that pisses me, it feels forced when it should just be flowing. So here I am promising myself that I shall carry a book like I used to when I was in school (yes, miserable little twit) and pen down rather than wait this long and let it lose its charm.

Single resisting to mingle.

To all my single lovelorn friends,

1) All love stories are sort of- mostly...

2) The ones that are confirmed are surely headed for disaster! (remember ur's?)

3) The lovers either die in drama or discover their partner are psycho-paths! (Cinderella drove the prince mad with her cleanliness OCD)

4) Lovers don't have insurance, or credit cards or even' your dearest Daddy ATM'.

5) Romeo was a jobless, good for nothing dud.

6) Juliet was a blond- I mean whoever could take such silly decisions?

7) Sex with a blond (irrespective of gender) is overrated. (Don't ualready know that ?!)

Now Remember me running from "I am in LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEEE' with you! ' irritating, over-friendly, annoying leech of a musician ?

Or declaring myself a lesbian at the 'film fest' after the hitchcock- slave director stalked me for four days? (Torch, thanks for that much needed arm around my waist.)

if that wasn't bad enough, on Orkut an absolutely random guy scraps me (with a pic flashing his thing) saying "'F*&% me Real Hard for a sexy time' eh?"

!- Gosh! I thought, I had desperate loser written all over my pic; so i pulled it off and haven't placed it back since then.

However, I still go out on dates and stare at the wall behind 'my date'. Still meet random guys and tell them 'wish they were my siblings' - above all tolerate the ones who are identical to me or sometimes worse!

So darlings, cheer-up, be brave and look around! P.S. If I can loath in faith, so can u ;)

overhearing

Scene: On my way back home, in the train compartment. Aboard two college girls, laughing (not giggling), talking loudly, dragging their speech with an acquired accent. they plonk on the seats, one beside me the other opposite her.

"A- That was sooo Dumb!
B- kmpltetlllllyyy

A- (in nasal voice) I just hope this dammed thing looks good (twisting her fake blond streak).
B- Oh come one- let me do the VJ Anushaa thing (ties her hair with a claw in a perfect twirl, giving the blond streak a classy effect)

A- the compartment is so dead!
(every woman turns only to throw identical dead-pan looks)

A- I have a chocolate!
B- U are supposed to lose weight not gain it!

A- i exercise and i didn't have lunch
B - hey, i may have a fruit- its much more nutritious.

A - Okay! but don't stare at my chocolate.
B- ya, right- you don't stare at my figure."

the approx. weight for A- 55, B- 38-40.

As Drama King says, "Being fat is the crime of the century!"

Hazy Sunday

Talk-a- thon and I had the most fantastic weekend ever in years. And what we did, absolutely nothing ‘fun’ but it was special! She came in early morning from work, we chatted till dawn and then slept- cuddling each other like we used to in college.

Only this time it was little worrying coz my folks were around and I didn’t know how they would react. None the less, we slept that way and I woke up early. Waited for her to do so, strolled around the courtyard, had lunch, watched a movie and then chatted some more.

She just melted with my family like butter in Au-gratin. It was fun and as we said our good byes we hugged and kissed and pledged to meet soon. I was recollecting the day’s events, when she smsed ‘I love u’ and my grin turned to a wide smile. I replied and thanked god for blessing me with loving friends!

Witness and Party

There are people that come in our life as bystanders. Our frequencies match with theirs only for fragments and then we befriend them. Soon to realise that there are things about them that do not appeal to us. And then we slowly walk out of their orbits. Gradually a time comes when we avoid them, everything they say seems to annoy us, they become the most unbearable creatures we ever met; and we wish they didn't exist!

All this is working on our mind and nothing has changed- and it’s not that person's fault either. It’s just us!

I am sure this has happened with many but for the first time I have seen something like this happening with one individual on a massive scale. And I feel bad that I am a part of it- I am witnessing it as a bystander and not doing anything. Maybe because it is not worth it, maybe because secretly I don’t want it to happen with myself or mostly because I just want to stay out of trouble.

However, I am not at my happy high mood and I wish all this would sort itself out. There are times when u realise that it is wisest to not be close to anyone-- this is my time.

Annoyed, angry pissed etc...

I am just crazy angry - nothing relevant but everything scurrying to come out. Its most irritating for me when i don't follow my own plans! Wise capitalist is as usual late. She is so callous about everything not related to her that it makes feel like a shit load. I am cursing myself for not taking an independent decision and going on my own to be there for Fruity. I don't know if it will matter to her but i wanted to be there, be a part of her joy (irrespective how happy i am!) but now we will end up as face value!

I am sure this will km back to her, because this is not the 1st time and it is on-purpose. Not that it will matter to her but still- and i don't want that to happen, i don't want her to be in the lost position that fruity maybe right now- not that we are the only ones there- she has a bevy to do all the laughing, talking etc.. But I hope wise cap would unwind her actions but I don’t think I can do much.
For me- this is the last time we are doing anything in cognizance. Hoping fruity forgives me.

: The End and the Beginning

After every war
someone has to clean up.
Things won’t straighten themselves up, after all.
Someone has to push the rubble to the sides of the road,
so the corpse-laden wagons can pass.
Someone has to get mired in scum and ashes,
sofa-springs, splintered glass, and bloody rags.
Someone must drag in a girder to prop up a wall.
Someone must glaze a window, rehang a door.
Photogenic it’s not, and takes years.
All the cameras have left for another war.

Again we’ll need bridges and new railway stations.
Sleeves will go ragged from rolling them up.
Someone, broom in hand,still recalls how it was.
Someone listens and nods with unsevered head.
Yet others milling about already find it dull.
From behind the bush sometimes someone still unearths rust-eaten
arguments and carries them to the garbage pile.
Those who knew what was going on here
must give way to those who know little.
And less than little. And finally as little as nothing.
In the grass which has overgrown causes and effects,
someone must be stretched out,
blade of grass in his mouth, gazing at the clouds.

Hans Neleman-

I am in love, it was love at 1st sight. I looked at his work and i went weak in my knees. I flopped in my chair when i read his book Night Chicas and couldn't move. I was enthralled, i touched the curves of his images as I touch a Ferregamo shoe- the divinity I feel is impossible to describe. I wanted to kiss him squarely on his mouth when I met him in Mumbai. he was a mirror image of everything that reflected in his work: passions and feelings - feelings that were frozen, very mercilessly, almost sadistically.

Demeter thinks otherwise, she frowns at his work, unable to connect with the crudeness his lens captures. But sitting on the adjoining sofa, i was dying to hold him, his English was incomprehensible and his 'i am new yorker' made him look like an arrogant prick- although a good, kind hearted one. He put up with the minimals that were offered to him here by the certain group he had km for. My brave self felt bound by the presence of too many people in the same room to do anything that would make me smack my head in future.

Hans is a piece, he has the vision and the mood to capture an emotion that lies beyond the obvious smile or frown. And most importantly he understands and respects art. Art that is so fluid and blurred and Art that is metamorphosing into forms unfamiliar and traversing beyond the boundaries defining us as humans. Be it going back to roots or being trapped in professions, the finery in his shooting an anorexic model with a watch and shooting an anorexic prostitute with a raccoon - zillion worlds apart, is identically passionate and almost sexually satisfying!

The latest 'In progress' book is smooch worthy, it may raise eyebrows but it's pure power. The power we have to deconstruct and reconstruct the way we believe we should be! Have a look on his website.

http://www.neleman.com/

BODY TRANSFORMED
Neleman’s “Body Transformed” explores how body modification, for spiritual, ritual, tribal, or sexual reasons, reflects a myriad of cultural influences, all of which are united by a deeply embedded passion to overcome the human body’s natural limitations and to worship the metamorphosed being. This book documents the growing cult of “transforming” through extreme modifications including scarring, burning, implanting, cutting and amputating. Body Transformed has a classic uncompromising photographic direction with an inspiring sculptural angle, a serene approach to a dark subject matter.
Here are radical subjects who are testing the limits of body aesthetics
through extreme modifications. Driven by complex objectives such as visual ornamentation, improvement of sexual perception and sometimes an exhibitionistic desire to control pain, they worship the metamorphosed being.

‘Body Transformed” challenges our moral boundaries, to ultimately come to a better understanding of this new self.

The ghost of the ex...

As the evening blended into cold twilight the talk with Drama King strayed into-- 'our perfect partners', esp. now that our parents want us to 'settle down'. We were laughing at our newest findings and all that was lacking in us to say 'i do'.The same thing that the world is looking for- a life long romance, the Zing that Tingles and Lingers, the sweet pain, the poisonous kiss, the madness, yearning, comfort and ecstasy. Repercussion was, we revisited our exes.

I have hated Drama King for this, he just never seems to get over her. Like a pathetic puppy he begs and cries and begs for more of what remains- Pity. I find it humiliating and infuriating when we drive down certain streets and bridges, I wait for the dreaded moment when he says 'Mademoiselle, the cat woman and I would..., the cat woman loved this...' we wait there as he pays tribute to a forlorn memory. being a loyal friend, I throw stinging remarks, trample over his love talk, say nasty things. Actually do/ say everything enough, for any sane person to throw me out of his car and ask to get lost! But it doesn't seem to affect him- he has learnt to revel in the 'nothing is left, i am cold hearted' imaginary world; somewhat like the Monk with beads.

But last evening was almost a deja vu, of dinner i had with Sunshine last week. She also wants her ex back, irrespective of whatever (whatever not being nice)! She confidently stated that she knew her ex was thinking about her even as we were talking and i had no reason to disbelieve. I didn't want her to give up; closure sometimes paves way for a new beginning, esp. if she wanted it this intensely!

We ruminated the same shit with me claiming that i ain't settling for less... but as i spoke, I knew that the ghost of our ex and past relationships will never really leaves us! It will be an annoying ghost and hang on to our neck, tug at our hair to remind us of places, people, things, situations, emotions... The fangs of the loss/ mistake or purposeful separation; dig deeper and procrastinate the joy someone else can give. Morbidity settles in, 'our songs' are replayed, over-working is a norm, avoiding the obvious parties is a must, leaving the city/country and stalking the ex- on social networking sites becomes a way of life.

Worse is when meeting friends; the talk subtly shunts to the ex and that seems to be the whole purpose of being there! And once at the station, the train refuses to travel anywhere!

Often, people talk about their ex- more than their current, ironically when they were together they seemed less involved than its hangover.

I sometimes feel that we are more in love with the idea of love and separation than the person him/herself. --- That answers my question of why we unconsciously cast our self in roles that we would critique otherwise?

a funny hour..

I spent an hour talking and laughing with a guy i don't know! This was an impulse, I met Reebok on a social networking site and found a mutual connection leading to many others, assuring that the world is a small place.

post my birthday, our meeting was being postponed by my forgetfulness and finally met at a nearby coffee house. We just got talking and after two espresso shots i was laughing loud enough for the neighbouring suave aunt to turn around. i was so high on the silly humour and 'how true' conversation that i snorted... twice midst the laughs (tight arse would raise her eyebrows if she were there) . i couldn't believe that the left side of my tummy shot spasms of pain.

We decided to move from the place and as the bill arrive, he insisted on paying, (i have learnt not to resist- since torch taught me the shallow happiness of living in a mans world) and this guy opens a sodexo booklet! i found it genuinely funny --what i would otherwise call tacky. he was so casual about the evening that things eased out; there were no undertones, making it super friendly!

after coffee n a walk in my heels- i decided say good bye and as i was patiently waiting for a cab, he accompanied me. he insisted giving me ride to the station but when i resisted he gallantly helped me get a cab, including requesting the cabbies, passing jokes at the singles travelling in cabs etc... it was hilarious.

the cute 'u r not like other girls' sms was equally predictably funny, simply coz we met one time and i, after being told 'u r such a woman', that comment was like a curacao slush. indeed a very high spirited, totally satiated evening.

Why, I am seriously asking WHY?

Why do sensible women fall for losers? What has flipped? I'd like to know. We all date losers and wanna bes' and mommy boys' but we don't marry them! Be it Hollywood (like in the pic) or the upper middle class in Bombay -across the globe or social strata, women still wish to marry a man standing steps lower. WHY?

Seven women in my life have and are marrying 'wrong men', it has shocked and shaken me since. I was talking to Demeter about the latest 'what the fuck is wrong with her!' and she asked me to define loser. That got me thinking- Loser is gender neutral, and for me defined when the couple does not match up to each others' caliber. Like Ice and Wise- capitalist couldn't have done better but Self-centered-leech, fruity, Demeter, Child mom, Prep-plastic, Lexicon could certainly have.

I no more know what to see in a man. The gold digger in me goes- bling, bling and more green bling, the idealist in me wants to marry the wind, the masochist in me- an MCP and the me in me wants to marry a better, male version of ME! (Could anyone have been more self-indulgent?) But i certainly don't want the partners my 'Quilt Dewellers' have chosen, i just can't stand a man without a spine or an identity!

Fruity, Lexicon, SCL, PP- their beaus are relocating, making adjustments and being super obedient; clearly they have the upper hand and i am very happy about it. But what is the fun of having an obvious upper hand that ur partner starts to look like a pet poodle, who no other chick will sigh over? Its silly but i can't respect a guy who doesn't know what he wants and doesn't have back up plans and is tying d knot- i disrespect the same in a woman.

I am very mozzarella over this and got so annoying that days ago, when on the phone i asked Loud mouth to re-reconfirm whether he really approved- he just yelled in, “how does it matter to you or me, its her life, her family and her joy!” and cut the call! Since then we haven't spoken on the topic. But I couldn resist and spoke to Child mom, she said that she liked him because fruity liked him (i said the same when i was asked - we are such lying bitches!), so i threw a twisted Q- What if i get someone like him? She shot back and said- “That is not your choice, U can't marry some idiot, i wont let you.” I was so relieved that i bear-hugged her.

But the real answer came form a man, not a woman- as i expected. Chameleon heard me talk sour and pulled me up saying that i was being gravely judgemental. He claimed a justification and I was, “Hmm, apart from the fact that i know and feel for them, i think they are ruining their chances a of a better life. They are getting married to guys who will not grow up and eventually they will have to shoulder everything of the guy. Love and being 'nice guy' is all good but when it comes to the jerks and perks in life- you need way more than that!”

He agreed and countered, “what makes you think it is a blind choice and not a conscious one? They are educated, smart, working, ambitious and beautiful women- if they decide to be with a guy not as half qualified as them, then maybe they want it that way. They want a guy they can mould, bend, mommy; they want to call the shots and the guy is fine with it. I don't think it is a compromise- its just reversal of power. The women have decided to take the lead-”

And will the man be happy, i ask? “Of course, a man's needs are limited and till he is not the one burning out - why would he crib? The problem will arise eventually, then he will take a call- but by then he will know his way around.” WOW. I was spell bound to even shake my head to that reply. I envy the fact that a men can think with such clarity and be so cool about it!

He isn't wrong, women are having their cake and eating it too- but would u want a trophy partner? I don't think i do. I want to walk hand in hand, a bird should marry the wind (and vice versa) not the fish in a pond. i want a partner that supplements 'us' not complements 'me'- like i would. It is a desire for a ridiculously idealistic partner, but as Child mom, Sunshine, Wise Capitalist and I say, “Why not?”.

Which side of the sexual fence are you?

Is there a fence in the first place? I suggest look closer.

“Sexuality is fluid.” Sunshine said, I jumped to agree 'completely'! Then we spoke about her lecture in Deutsch on sexuality at the Max Muller Bhavan and the kind of questions she faced. Our conversation lasted about an hour covering: Sexuality n it's types, practices and meanings; incest, sex with animals and sodomy as sexual practices and finally myths.

Sexuality is deeper than we perceive it, sexual theorists, romance and porn writers have shed much light in the layered development of sexual desires. These practices shocked me into looking at things without prejudging them as perverse or abnormal. The lines are very thin and dangerously blurred with subjectivity and relativity.

Sunshine made certain 'declarations' that were argued upon by her friends- I agreed with her friends but I had heard this declaration from Honey bum as weel, i had argued and he had resisted. Since then, i had told myself that 'i will never live in denial, least of all sexual'.

Gender battle and sexuality came face front with patriarchy in 1910, U.K, U.S, Europe; (1950, India) women were criticising, voicing, writing without a male pseudonym and committing suicides (max self-deaths occurred from 1920 to 1935). And the 1st woman's congress was born (it was rooted for a fight at a bar!) - and they were lesbians, not heterosexual women!

In the Fight for equality, kind lesbians let Heteros join the battle and have a voice that their sleeping partners did not allow. Decades later, it became a women's movement for freedom. And the leaders of this movement thought that the lesbians were a threat to the noveau patriarchy that hetero women festered through 'the sexual bargain' (including India). Bra burning stopped and corsets came in, cleavages were flaunted and ' la femme ecriture' was written. Women became body from being mind and soul. The womens' movement has deteriorated with multiple dimensions and sexuality has been a highlighted one. [Sexual freedom is the highest paid research topic in Gender and Sexuality by U.N. The only research to receive so much funding is Aids amongst Gay and Prostitutes in under-developed country brothels.]

Here is some clarity on beliefs:

Even though Sexuality is a choice, for most of us it is a part of our conditioning; like religion. Sexual initiation practices are more dependant on families than traditions- (refer: my god died young).

Sexuality is divided into: Hetero (attraction to opposite sex), homo ( attraction to same sex), Bi ( attraction to both sexes). Sexuality in its simplest sense means 'likely to have sex with'.

Gender is divided into social roles of Masculine and Feminine, Dominant and Submissive, Trans (sexual change from one gender to another). Gender in its simplest sense means 'Likely to follow set behavioural patters of'

Homosexual women are not Heterosexual women who have suffered at the hands of a man and therefore turned lesbian.

Gay men are not men who are effeminate because they were brought up with mother and sisters or have many women friends.

Bisexual women do not have hair on their breasts (hair has to do with hormones and not sexuality, so hetero or homo or trans can have hair). They chose to enjoy a man's and a woman's body with equal respect.

Butch women are not men in a woman's body. They simply chose to be with other women and dress like men.

Its not mandatory that homosexuals are creative, emotional, fun loving, sensitive to ur feelings etc... Heterosexuals endorse the same qualities.

Heterosexual men are not necessarily abusive and gays are not necessarily not abusive.

Relationships have the same impact and influence in all sexual choices.

The only difference is that it is Criminal to be Homosexual [gay or lesbian (butch or femme)], read IPC 377.

Sodomy, animal sex and incest is illegal in most countries because all of them do not have human voice or consent (willingness with full understanding of the situation and its aftermath).

Abuse means - without consent.

Pornography is criminalised in India and child pornography is criminalised all over the world. Homosexual Rape and torture pornography, sex slavery (south America, Chile, panama, japan, Russia, bangladesh etc..) and child slavery are some of the top profit making businesses over the world in competition with drugs, outsourcing information and prostitution.

Must reads- Foucault's History of sexuality. Body and woman by SNDT press. Gender by from Kamla Bashin.


Think about it.

Maahi- Monochrome

Croma haze is alluring, elevating and defining for most writers and photographers. We have come to associate life with color - the multiple shades of greens in a plant, the pinks in a flower and browns and reds in a landscape... they make our pictures look alive and ready to go. Flip side is that we have lost the charm of monochrome.

The sketch (Va Sievietes Mugura) remined me of two things:

A song - Maahi ve, teri yaad aati hai re....

A friend- its black pearl's favourite image: and something that scares me a lot sometimes.

TOI- Myths

I will avoid the crappy story that otherwise i would retell and conclude: and this is not jumping to conclusion.

1)People who believe TOI is the best daily amongst the rest- haven't read the others with any regularity or sincerity.

2) People quote from the TOI because they rarely read anything else.

3) TOI rarely writes for d nation- they write for their advertisers.

4) Fiction writing is also a part of your journalistic skills and in crises there is 'nothing wrong with enhancing the facts' - ref-India TV.

Realise, mediocrity or/ and sensation like tobacco is a habit that kills you in the long run.

Series of dissapointments

Starting with not being able to write about Vogue, searching for the right words to describe each piece, feels unnaturally difficult... so does writing for CPC, but i want to be 1000% right with CPC- i have to be flawless and there is no other way it will be!

My beloved clutch is probably travelling in a slow train and therefore taking so long to come back to mommy. I miss you baby. In my agony i forgot that there were enough valuables in there- jeweller's bill, hard cash, my Id and quarterly, my driving licence (not that i drive), my business card, debit cards, my imp numbers diary, my pin number, stash of my passport size photos.... all of that will have to replenished.... clutchy baby come back now!


The train journey was very good, I was determined to have a place to sit and i got one instantly- for a change i was stared at by a chic looking funny woman (she was dressed in light green corporate top, brown checked khadi feeling semi-formal trousers, witch-point, short heel purple sued with satin bow shoes and a big rectangular beige Birkin bag. I was finishing my chanting (she stared at me as i do at women listening to ipod bhajans) and then pulled out my Everyone Worth Knowing copy, the mocking smile on her face clearly called me 'pseudo, hypocritical and shallow' too bad coz i think i am none of those. i almost wanted to explain but i looked up and my left eyebrow twitched out of habit and her smile faded... NO i didn't like the scene. Went back to reading and didn't realise when she got off the train.

Had to write a long letter to Style Icon- i promised him and didn't write (i am ashamed).

Had to collect my solitaire (my birthday gift to myself) but am behaving lackadaisical, dependant and for some reason unsure. I want it, its mine and it brings me infinite joy!

Saw OSO, Sawariyan and Jonny Gaddar and all of them were silly, floppy and total turn offs. They were such a big let down- so many hours of nonsense from intelligent people. Worse, the Rj's aren't being honest - film critics Taran Adarsh and Mayank Shekhar minced words only because the banners are too big. SAY THAT THE FILMS ARE TRASH!

Blatantly lied n bunked dinner on Sunday nigh, coz i am unhappy with the wise capitalist and myself. I said things that i shouldn't have to child mom and for some reason i think WC knows- sure she is pissed and not showing it. So i bunked her dinner party- i didn't want to feed myself and don't like the restaurant she does and am not really fond of the people she invited, esp old idiot. I also made snide remarks at night when Loud mouth gave me full dope on who, what, how, when. I don't like anything about myself when i am in the 'pussy me' mood.

Monday morn, i find out that my DnG face-cover dark glasses r broken at the rim. It felt like a stab, i shrieked, tore my hair and gave multiple bad words in my head before i smiled and mockingly said Perfect, before putting them back. No clue how they cracked (the case is big, sturdy and they never come out of it). Luckily only the frame is damaged, so there go my hard earned thousands (haven't preserved the bill).

Walked into office and realised stuff is undone, have to edit my own article and no clue what to crop.

My HR sent thought for the day- "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."- Mary Engelbreit. Yes, it is helping me recover, but what really gave me the confidence was Diana's tagline - LIFE WANTS ME!-- what a wonderful thing to say!

Wallah! Mawha, mawha, mawha!

Pour in the Cosmopolitans!

… and the Manhattans, sambucas, tequilas, strawberry martini, bloody mary and kaipiroska… all my spirits rise… Quarter of a century has passed!

My Birthday (06'11) took the center spot, didn’t sleep a wink for 28 hours and wasn’t pissed at all. All my friends called; people who I like and don’t like so much wished me a blast. Lost forgotten acquaintances called, scrapped and messaged. So from early midnight to 2:30 am I was glued to replay “Thanks a ton darling!”, when pork sausage called, I was surprised and super happy that he hadn’t forgotten my b’day as expected (not that I would be sad otherwise). We had a frank “okay this is what I feel right now” conversation for an hour (which will mean zilch by morn or the next time we meet) and I hung up as d cell phone battery gave up on me.

The last call after I put on charge was at 4:30 am, post my shower was of talk-a-thon and we almost cried (I miss her so much sometimes that it hurts …) as usual we made stay over plans which got postponed the very next day. The second sweetest thing to happen was that her boyfriend smsed and that was the 1^st time in a year and half that we spoke, I haven’t met him, so I called back promptly and he replied, "talk-a-thon misses u like hell, so I couldn’t help but wish"…I was so touched by the gesture that I wanted to sms her and ask her to marry him right away (no, I didn’t do any of that, thankfully!) 5:30 am we were at the ganesh mandir and did an hour long birthday Puja, when I walked out of the temple I saw the dawn, just as I always want to.

Throughout the day I received wishes, exciting, expensive and super useful gifts. Demeter gave me three gifts out of which the L’Oreal crème is blissful. Monarch send me his patent flowers and cake (none of which I like) and I have made that clear for the past three years, but he isn’t a listener. Drama King sent a huge bouquet of crimson roses to office and I got those looks from people (hmm… secret admirer, lucky bitch etc...) I found it dramatic and embarrassing but clearly enjoyed it. Also received ‘marry me’ return gifts from my dude-pals (I really want to write about this, maybe I will eventually).

Returned home, went for an aarti, performed it myself; mom made favourite dinner and then left to meet the wise-capitalist. Style Icon called – his was the last but one call of the day, I was travelling and hence couldn’t hear clearly, my rick guy didn’t know the way and we were almost lost. However, I was happiest to hear his voice and his were the best wishes I could have asked for throughout the day- it was my heart’s desire that the cosmos sent thru with him. He is really my icon of sorts.

I waited for that one important person to call me (she was the only on left!) and it was 10 pm and my phone didn’t still ring in her name; so I called her. Reminded her to wish me and she laughed louder and longer. Soul sister was waiting for my frustration levels to rise and then call—such a crook! But we had a long conversation and a very mutually satisfying one. We miss each other- our lives are like a power house of action but we are the 1^st to open a bottle of champagne and write tributes to each other. Plus, we have always been there- on the phone, in person, in telepathy… when in crisis I contemplate what she or the Wise-capitalist would have done (they are almost perfect and never ever wrong!). So we had our usual Diwali henna session and by 01:30 am, I was done. Am content with the blessings, the prayers and the ‘babes, u got to do it’!

Style Icon on my next b’day, we are going to paint the city rainbow together, PROMISE.

ps. black pearl, wise-capitalist, tutor, the man, sunshine, kaka boy, taurea, pork sausage, rapunzel, ice, bitch-face, demeter, twinkley, turban king,mole on the lip, monarch, dolfi, child mom, talk-a-thon, callcenter-boy, dead monk, straight talk, adi, loud mouth, chameleon, jaw breaker, soul sister, insipid grin, thin pin, mokshi, chitooo and the rest.... THANK YOU

To Tip or not to Tip is the Q

I don't tip at a restaurant; irrespective of it's standing. everybody gets a salary for their work- so the tip concept is not digested. I also discourage others from tipping- and all those stories about pizza boy's paycheck being cut and 'x' amount being 'understood' as a tip from a waiter's salary is all bull crap. none of that ever happens.

But today on Diwali Day i just left some money for the waiter--coz i felt guilty. here goes why.

04am- waking up,
05:30- loud mouth n child mom pick me up
06:25- we are at Mahalaxmi Mandir, post the pooja we decide to have breakfast before heading to Babulnath.
07: 45- after driving thru charni road, marine lines, girgaum, chira bazaar (hunting for good maharshtrian restaurants... later only open restaurants ; we end up at liberty cinema and irate loudmouth (Kamat hadnt opened for the day) decided to settle for an ordinary udpi joint.

The food was good in the b'bay south Indian authenticity, as we waited LM was commenting on a big-size couple having breafast after their walk- that ticked me off coz i didnt think their size was his business and they were a cute happy couple.
---------The waiter assigned to our table had just woken up (visible eye bags, red eyes n constant yawning) forgot the coffee we ordered with the rest. Loud mouth was so rude to the him that i was seriously annoyed-- n like wise pulled him up for his dearth of manners in public, with a loud- "Whats ur problem in life, man; can't u be nice to people? Child mom found it hilarious but i was pissed enough to kerb her smile (or we would burst out laughing and the effect would be lost, as usual). We ate huge amounts with Loudmouth insisting to order the second round on my behalf and insisting that i share (this has happened twice and i don't like it!)

the waiter heard him quietly over the sambar and varied idli preparations that weren't available at 8 am, took back my 'sugary coffee' and got me another one- all in absolute silence, he didn't mumble or make a face (maybe he was too tired or sleep working to register all this) that made me feel bad for him- like i feel bad for the traffic police; with the kind of jobs these guys have - satisfaction must mean -not being abused.

hence the tip- for all the unwanted/undeserved humiliation he suffers at the hands of a customer- some of who behave as if they own the place and the person is their personal slave.

i am hoping that more people behave with kindness towards the call center employees, traffic police and the waiters in restaurants.

testing, testing...

I am being challenged and I am smiling. This does not happen often: it is not everyday that my faith put to test (apart from the seat in the train compartment and the auto rickshaw). I lost my most loved and valued Amishi clutch (similar to the above one but in black and without diamonds of course) on a crowded street in Borivali. The problem is that it's one of a kind and super expensive; even though it looks simple (by the price standards)... all that is pointless- i loved it and very much!
-----------I misplaced it, searched for it but did not find it- however i have faith that it will come back to me. In fact that was my first statement when mom panicked- “someone will find it and call me and return it.” and i had no doubts about that. it sprang form the belief - treat others the way u want to be treated- I know i would return if i found a wallet of a person... i would call and meet and receive thank you. I know many people who would do the same.
---------All that apart, I love it too much for anyone else to have it! It is on its way and is coming back to me.... period.

Sunshine

In ways this one is a tribute to Sunshine. I have appreciated her for everything that she holds- the strength of a man, the integrity of a woman, the independence and spirit of an androgene.

Her smile makes her my sunshine- and there are billions of stories to be told which won't pass through my lips, even if i want to tell the world, so that they have a chance to applause her.

She makes be believe in what I believe (I desire therefore I deserve.. just one of my beliefs) even when the world stands either mocking or aghast-- Sunshine is just like that, her faith in everything best, is my strength. Every time i meet her i am like a sponge sucking-in every ray of light she exudes, her voice, the rhythm our talk, the confidence boost and all that laugh with multiple cups of coffee.

She has lately become my secret inspiration to seeking everything- including focus (i know, that's so cool!) and there this is no difference between what i need and what i desire.

If solitude can turn to Sunshine then it is possible for me to have everything my way all the time. Remember I desire therefore i deserve!

Vogue to you, too!

I would ideally open with an apology for trashing the 'indi-vogue' but this time i will yell out from roof tops "I LOVE VOGUE". Much better. the Nov issue is mesmerising, educating, enthralling, addictive, archive-worthy.
This conde nast's pride- Vogue in India- a complete fulfilling satisfying issue: every detail has been taken care of- I collect Vogue shops and this one is worth laminating! My fav. choo, dior , ferregamo, Hermes are well documented. Waiting for a detail on lagerfeld (that man can be kissed for centuries for his contribution to perfection in fashion) and Donatella's madness and juvenile outrageous fluff- fendi is boring me now. On the photo shoot front ; Roversi like Helmut Newton is one of my favourite 'clicker'. Just wished Deepika was styled better... but I like the hue-look (prepares me for sawariya).

Right now, on deadlines but a deatiled review will follow.

Boy Watching

I am smirking since day before yesterday: I can't wipe it off my face and people around me find it very amusing. Why? Remember, my clock is ticking? So momzie dearest decides to set her darling up for matrimony- boy watching is happening, emails sending photos, inviting for chats etc...

One thing that I have observed in all this matrimonial madness, is that the boy is always handsome, smart and successful- like most are on Orkut - Mirror cracking materials (lol) pun intended.

Initially, I thought it would torture me to see boy pics on the net, select them after horoscopes have been matched, there will be stigma attached blah blah blah... but this is fun. In fact the poor boys have become a part of the 'poke fun' hour- the bait in the game.loudmouth, momzie and I get to analyse the boys from his- pic, resume, to his orkut profile... we sound bitchy sometimes but mostly hilarious! She tells me of her 'marriage days' and the kind of boys she met etc... it's crazy funny and we all end up talking into the midnight.

Loudmouth is particularly nasty to NRI boys with high paying jobs, car, place of his own all in the middle of a desert! Why didn't they mention that as well?” Childmom said something equally funny about a boy from Mumbai, with sarcastic sense of humour, into some jargon filled job, with keen interest in multiple extra-curricular activities! And so on, then there are the ones she likes- nice parents, better looking boy, good family, education, a particular city, hobbies etc...

Yesterday, I was amusing monkey baby by barking at her and making funny animal sounds - which is a common 'i am excited and in a funny mood' behaviour. Spectator to the madness of my noise and hers, Momzie stood in the doorway and said-- “I will just pray that ur Mr. Perfect is either blind to ur madness, enjoys it, or is equally mad!” I jumped to answer -Inshallah!

Life for a single girl parading herself for the marital business doesn't seem that bad either... :~))

P.S I want to share the details with Monarch but he refuses to pick up calls (even from his mom!) and i am so worried n pissed. My birthday is a week away and my 'to-do' list is not ready, but my 'gifts to myself' are in full form (:~D) moreover, they are perfectly appreciated by the Quilt dwellers! I am so kicked to turn a quarter of a century old!

Of dreams and more

There is nothing more joyous in life than knowing what you want; understanding the element you are built of (wood, metal, clay, fibre...). It’s easy to create a world and it’s easier to make it a reality… this isn’t a joke and I don’t live in your world.

I met the monk with beads and things changed. It was surprising for me to notice so many things changing within me and so quickly. What did the Monk do?-- He depressed me, challenged my fears, and mocked my insecurities. Has this never happened before, of course it has! But this time it was my calling- I had summoned the monk to awaken the star in me. His despotism, futility, morbidity, emptiness helped me build my army of saints and angels, of shining morning and endless smiles. He exuded so much negativity that I didn’t have to look far for the bright sun in me.

And the fun part is that all this is happening and I am just observing---it’s effortless! It’s like a flower opening it's petals, like fronds of grass grabbing the morning dew, like the snake train swishing away on the rails, like the infinite street lights working to make marine drive look like a queen’s necklace. It was as smooth as a-neat single malt down your throat.

There is a time for everything, including believing, challenging and heading in the direction of light. It comes to us of and on and when it does- one should grab it: I am spreading my arms wide….
We all have one life and one world and there are no hurdles and there are many miracles—I am a true blue destinarian, silly but true! I believe in peace; within- and without. Life is hilarious; all we need is a sense of humour: I chose a laughing echo over a wet pillow. (Instance- dodging to the movie hall though multiple entries and too many people, I saw this kid checking his hair, doing it up in a security guard’s vehicle-checking-floor mirror. This lady in the compartment was reading P.G woodhouse and was curbing her smile till she couldn’t hold it any longer and burst into laughter… it was exquisite waiting for her to break the silence and watching her helplessly laugh).

The time has come, the walrus said
To talk of many things,
Of shoes and ships, and sealing wax
And cabbages and kings!

----If the walrus can speak- I can fly!
It’s ecstatic to lose social sanity and believe in the cosmos…

Cabbie v/s Client

I received a fwd from my boss today, with a link that I conveniently erased out.

Do u know, Rickshaw & Taxi Drivers do not have a right to say NO,. So remember that each time the rickshaw/taxi driver tells you a NO, take down his vehicle registration number, note the time date and place, please click on the following link and register your complaint.

We have had enough of these guys bullying us around, and refusing to ply specially when its urgent. They have been told that they cannot say a NO to any customer when their meter is FOR HIRE! not even for short or long distances. I'd suggest you stop asking them whether they will take you wherever you wish to go and rather tell them where you want to go. and if they refuse. REGISTER a COMPLAINT. Lets teach these guys who's the customer , and who's the boss!

Yes, of course it's time to cheer! This is because we get the upper hand. Most of us will be happy with the decision but I, for some inane reason do not wish to travel in a cab or an auto rickshaw with a driver not driving at his free will. It just doesn't seem fair- irrespective of their problems or their 'just don't want to' attitude.

There are times when I am irate and amused - like when they demand abominable amounts for small distances, especially when 'crisis' is visible on your face. Or when the driver checks you out before taking a call on whether he wants to drive that far/ near with your face in the rear-view mirror. I have even had certain drivers consciously adjust their mirrors- aligning them etc... it can be infuriating, complimenting and hilarious: depending on your mood for the day.

It's often the latter for me: I have come to acknowledge and grin away. These drivers have proved certain norms wrong- like I only have snob-class appeal; coz 'I have attitude'. No - the way they look, i know i have mass appeal! (lol) There is a certain pride that they display to fellow rickshaw drivers when they pass by - a smile or a 'maintain ur distance' look or sometimes my attitude rubs on the driver and he also suddenly becomes a snob.

There was one particular incident when this rick guy was eating gutkha, i didn't realise when i got in but within seconds it got me nauseating and i decided to get off. He was baffled and i told him it was his gutkha and it was giving me a headache. He asked for a two minute break, got off, spit it out rinsed his mouth with the bottled water, sat back and said sorry. I said thank you. Incidentally I met him again, weeks later, at the station, and he smiled real wide- then i recalled it was the same driver. As he was driving me back home, he told me that he had stopped eating gutkha and i said good, as it's really bad for ur health. He said it was because of me- and i was amused, i asked him 'why me'? He replied ,”Aap classwale log jab mere auto mai bathe, toh mereko bhi ache classwala hona magngta na? Aur classwala log gutkha nahi khata.” (when people of ur class/standard travel in my vehicle then i should also behave classy and people with class don't eat gutkha!) I told him he was 100 percent right and he should keep it that way.
(i am sort of a digression expert, aint i?)

i think it will be different if it's by force. Sometimes it's okay to let the driver choose his client. I know it's unnerving and cruel in emergencies but waiting for ricks (with hurting heels ondazed-out night) and getting late for a morning edit meet has taught me a lot of patience, hope (that the next passing empty rick will stop for me) and courage to smile when it doesn't. Then follow the higher principles of basic kindness or like the one above- that class doesn't come with money.

I owe these qualities to them... so i support their freedom to choose!