Mourning and Peace

Today is 28th December 2007, this date is important because yesterday was very important. Benazir Bhutto President of Peoples Party of Pakistan was assassinated. 27th also marks a date amongst my numerous epiphanies. Death when forced leads to abridged karma. One must complete the cycle of karma- and learn the lessons carefully chalked out. Hence 'thou shall not kill'. As fate had it, I accidentally chose The Motorcycle Diaries to be the next book to be read; the urge was inexplicable till, I came home to know the death of Bhutto. I start to read today.

I was yes shocked, like the rest of the world when, I heard of the assassination- it was just like the world was going mad. So much hatred, greed and anger will reap just this- but is it worth the cause?

Androgene wrote that she was amongst the grossly corrupt and the million rest that we have heard, read and written before. But wont letting her live and reap the pain she has sowed be a worse punishment? why hasten?

Everybody seems to be losing their balance and in-turn the one of their society. how can hate survive without infinite love? How can chains strengthen unless we are immersed in freedom? How can you respect tears if you can't see a sunshine smile? I want to know how? One doesn't exist without the other and eventually the former is destined to dissolve into the latter. Its the way it has been and will be. Is it rocket science to understand something so simple?

Hallucination or lesson?

Since i started my morning yogic breathing, i am observing a detox, however yesterday i ate a vegan sub (not that impure) after my bickering with the wise capitalist. And today morn as i was in mediation, i saw a scary black dog walking towards me- he was large and pitch black, his eyes glistening and for some reason he was angry, very very angry. He walked to me and bit my fore and middle finger that were spread-out on my lap. He bit me with so much force that i was shocked and as a reflex i snatched my hand form his jaw. My eyes were wide open and searching this dog. It took my 30 seconds to get out of that state of shock and realise that i was in my bedroom and on my bed. Something was there- i could sense it. What the fuck had just happened! I had no clue but it was a jerk - like the dog was angry because i was not at peace with myself anymore or something like that.

That bite hasn't gone out of my head- it meant something, i have to find out. Or be patient till it comes to me.

ps. heres the myth of the black dog!

Standing Put

For a couple of days have been down with work and laziness. Since Elightened is here, all i do is spend all the little time i have with him. I like Elightenedgenuinely; we are on the same wavelength, and on a similar plane of wisdom- we bond like there is no tomorrow and although we have been apart for years, it never feels so. Our chats go on late into the night, on topics like cosmic consciousness and music. I wanted him to meet Sunshine and that happened as planned- we met for dinner and parted at an obscene 2 am, time literally flew as we spoke on an array of subjects. I was happy that they liked each other.

The better part was the next day, Christmas was my day to take him out to a popular suburban place. So it would be! I scheduled our itinerary and decided to stay glued, till the wise capitalist called- i was happier as i wanted her to meet Breeze and absorb some of his cool nature! Problem was that she fucked my schedule- her prime suggesting involved her in the center-- so i was okay till i could mould my way back and forth to rearrange it to suit her. So we chucked two plans and head straight as she had to be back for an appointment. At the suburban joint- she came along with the Chameleon, everything was fine till i realised that they were spending unneccessary amount of time there when, we had six other places to go to. As we moved out, it was time for her to go. She couldn't cancel it, so she and chameleon insisted that we tag long and finish her stuff and return. In the freaking B'bay traffic with their stamina, i knew we weren't kming back or doing anything on the schedule. So, I politely asked her to continue with Elightened till i finish my things for the day. That blasted her top with, “what's wrong with u?” when i told her that everything was pending, she in her convenient style blamed it on me. That tipped me off completely. I was willing to forgo my plans after some bickering, but now- No. I stood my ground and as they both chowed on me- i said a firm NO. That is when breeze literally breezed in-- and asked them to not pick on me. Wise capitalist and Chameleon decided to leave and I was comfortable with that. Elightened and I spend the evening together (me bitching away to glory about how this is not the first time and how I have to pose angry or they will walk over me... blah blah shit) and on the way finished one of our chores. The list was satiated and the schedule followed, as we returned home by close to midnight.

An hour after the argument Wise capitalist called to check on us and i gave her full dope on where we were.Later Chameleon called and in his sick sense of humour asked if 'my nerves were back in my body' - sometimes i miss my mad self- i miss slapping people or giving them the needed 'what the fuck r u talking, you moron?' look but i went verbal and he safely said that he would call later.

I wasn't happy about what happened, and in my quintessential Gandhian way i said- “I hate fights- i hate to get pissed. I don't like this anger - making a scene on the road; shit- i simple hate it, Elightened”. Later as i was thinking - i needed to tell myself that i wasn't responsible for their bad decisions and illogical thought at all. I was responsible for my word, for myself and my emotions. There was nothing beyond that; and here i was handing them over the right to make me angry- doing something that was not i at all. So i looked at myself and instantly reviewed how i had fared - i knew i had done well.

love becometh

For my upset, child-like Monarch,

--

brown fell the rain,
into the manholes and the pipes,
it drowned fears and desires
it made muck all around.
it aroused the pleasantries and concerns, it jammed the wireless networks

bodies was soaked and souls drenched, the feet were cold and wrinkled.
the rain flood the streets, the vendors flew.
the rain aroused a hundred emotions when,

it fell on the head, arms and shoulders.
we dripped from our eyes, cried for the water around

--- so much water but our throats sore from crying n shouting,
the water was turning from brown to black
oil, dust dead rats floating.
we walk amongst it-

the force within to cross over, compels our feet to tear away,

to evade the dead, to cease our tears,
our bodies are tired and weak.
tongues dry, stomach churns with hunger sounds
we halt- we give up

and just then
the rain stops.
the water thaws for the land to surface
we halt in peace
we thank the soil.
we sleep a peaceful night

the dawn brings a day of introspection-
the capital clean streets are washed dirty
the muck, filth, the oil,the dead,

decorate the streets that look alien.
they don't really belong to us, do they?
we start to criticize, start to curse
who? why? from where? how?
fingers point, hands fly in fury.
we know that a part of us was pushed beneath the carpet,

into the waters, the gutters--
that filth of mind, motive and soul,
that ingenuity of anger and lust, exploitation and growth
now lays bare- before our naked vision-

torturing us, questing us, demeaning us
Is this what I bred?
is this a part of me-
the child within is upset-
the prize is a fake.
the questions real
the answers unbearable.
our love, aims, beliefs, dreams - conditional
our flaws are washed into bright day light
the sun is shining --

it did rise, didn't halt
it rose for us today.

didn't fear the water, the lightning, the dirt
the sun, asking to see - unmasking us in our streets...
the sun- the unconditional ball of fire

-- that boils but doesn't burn
that spreads light so far that shadows expire
the sun- that sun -- that is what i want.
the cursed mid-day hot balloon that drowns me in sweat
that blinds me if i meet his eye
that wild lover who doesn't favor me- who shines on all
that bulk, who comes for me every single day
and brings me a morning to smile,

to forget that at night it poured and cried --
it dries the hate, the lust, the fears
it leads it to into beauty that will awaken in a smile.
in giving --- and rejecting what is not duly mine.
it gives me light to distinguish and forgive
to love and believe
he is the silent wand of magic
my moron called morning!
love becometh you! And so my lover, it becometh me too.

I feel cold

An Indian state re-elected a murderer. A nation of this world scarily did so years ago.

My fury and disappointment screams happiness for the dolts- "An idiot nation/ state elects an idiot leader- how well deserving."

My mind chews on the whys. my heart, however, feels cold- icy cold and shivers to know that I live amongst people filled with so much parochial love that it makes them hate everything and everyone that is not the same parole, color, religion, territory or history. The saffron will give me jaundice- for extremes have always made me sick. I am sad that the alleys are getting narrower and I may have to walk through them someday-

God, give me the strength to smile, to make friends and to not judge them for the biases they bring.

ps. To be a Hindu, one has to erase hindutva from his/her mind; just as it is vital to walk beyond the rituals, to absorb the essence of the religion you follow.

My Hikey Dearest

To flaunt or to hide, is the question. Hickey aka love bite is brilliant way of conveying 'we are damaging the hinges of the bed' and proudly so! I am no more in college (sigh) or I would have jumped to joy and related the details. (suddenly i grateful to not be so openly crazy). Now, I smile and occasionally tease but a hickey is something that has never missed my attention.

There is a psychological history to the genesis its existence. A hickey is like marking a territory; its very rare that you get or give a hickey unintentionally. Its a way of saying - I am taken and I am loving it. However, different people associate differently with the love biting concept.

Childmom very clearly believes it to be animal-like, violent and not really love. For her its a part of lust; love is more like caressing a flower. So forget about the Q. of flaunting, that dammed scar shouldn't be there in the first place!

Demeter on the other hand would flaunt it with pride, its like a matter of fact. An arched eyebrow that will silently question your celibacy, while reassuring to you that her demure nature is a farce and she is quite a spectacle in the needed areas. "I used to have it all over!" she remarked. The casualness reminded me of Black pearl and how he really liked to be tattooed by hickeys- it left people in awe of his active sex life.

Curl queen on the other hand (and this was eons ago) covered her hickey by a stole - not that we didn't see it but she didn't want to make it so public. its a part of her personal space. Drama King, he has a birth mark on the neck which appears as a permanent hickey. (grin)

To flaunt. You got to have the right kind of hickey!

The neck, shoulders, chest, arms, back, lower back, ankles and collarbones are top places to find, give and have hickeys. Its also important that you hickey looks like a 'love symbol' and not a bruise. The size of the hickey has to be just right- not too spread out or like an 20 degree acute angle triangle. The color of your hickey should run btw red to maroon, pink or black- the extremes will kill the look!

For me though, I think the place is a warning. I wouldn't like to flaunt it in class, at work or with family - but friends, casual parties janta street is kinda alright. Its certain sense of respect for the former (not insinuating love making and its after effects are not pious) - apart from that it is the unwanted eyebrow raises and questions that are best avoided. The latter anyway understand and the janta doesn't even matter.

For those seeking balance

Its best to be dressed in mandarin collared kurtis/ dresses when having that awkward hickey. Hiding an obvious one with attempts like a stole, hair, scarf is TACKY.

What's it for you? Show it all the way or is it 'oh no not again!' ?

The week that was- 4

Apart from the regular nonsense, i felt humiliated in a peanut way by the obvious 'wrong choice' of attire for Fruity's engagement. I mean what was I even thinking? Apart from the fiascoes (unlisted here) that made up the entire day- i was out of my mind. I just didn't dress as per the occasion. I was wearing a wonderful traditional fuchsia kurti with Donna's Denims and boots, the disaster is yet to come- paired it all with yellow gold jewellery! It didn't make me look complete in anyway and definitely not up for the event; in fact it was presumed that i had attended some other prior to this one. At that moment i didn't even mind feigning that in fact i had. Although I got over it then, it flashed in my face after the current Kareena-critic over wearing a casual dress for Shobha Asar's jewellery exhibition. (Ps. I really like some of her uncut diamond sets. Traditional Indian jewellery from the Rajwada (royal collection) is almost sinful.). Wearing the right dress for the right occasion and pairing it with the right accessories never felt so important- this faux pas is really embarrassing.

Chameleon isn't well. That shook me for a fragment till i met him-- its was'nt that bad, just the usual unhealthy lifestyle repercussion. But the fact that he is lifelong on medication to manage his immune system upsets me. We are so diseased (read: not at ease) today that it's almost become a normality. Like asthma is as casually taken as common cold; i remember my grandma scolding me for having a chronic cold- it was a big thing for her. She would get aid to eradicate the germs that cause cold from my very system. Things aren't the same any more- benadryl is more of a junkie drug than medication. And every ailment is treated with a band aid. None of it helps in the long run. Cure like its seed is within us, even the worst disorders can be cured by ur immune system. In fact a disease is a way of our body trying to draw attention to a deficiency that needs to be taken care of. For example all spinal disorders arise from an acute emotional dis-satisfaction. All diabetics are prone to thinking too much which affects the mind and in turn the body. All diseases are psychosomatic. The seed and the cure lies in the mind- so its best to find the root and get rid of it. As simple as that!

A balanced mind will lead to a healthy body.

The Week That Was-- 3

Habits. In a vague conversation with Childmom, I taught her some mean lines to combat mean people. This was regarding a certain-someone who at 50 has switched to a new career. Though her family is filled with medical professionals, the level of hygiene is below the lowest allowed in a government hospital. When i saw knotty-potty, my first response was to ask her to have a good scrub bath. And after i got her introduced to the wise-capitalist who needless to say, ripped apart her sense of everything including the air above her head. I would have dismissed it as Knotty-potty's foolishness but, she isn't I.

Childmom was hurt by the display of education that superseded everything else in the certain-someone. It took me a while to convince her that education should reflect in your civil and personal behaviour, more than in your paycheck and attributes. And standing by that rule, she was better off than her certain-someone counterpart.
It's easier to deal with a cleanliness OCD than with heaps of trash, dirt and moss. Yes, the certain-someone had moss growing on her bathroom floor.

That got me to the habit of ruminating on one topic; be it Octogenarian, childmom or anyone else-- they chew on the same stories over and over- the woulds and should's, if's and must's don't seem to leave their side. It infuriates me; as it is beyond me. How can u possibly give so much importance to some ill event that happened two decades ago? Or to some person who now rests in a grave? They are gone. Restructuring them will not bring them back. As my irritability grew - it occurred to me that my tolerance levels were on a slide ride. I have been ridiculing almost everything that is unimportant to me. Certain habits, people, traits are no more wanted around me and switching off seems to be the most difficult thing to do.

The fact that i am only answerable for my life seems to have left the center spot. I am looking for things in people, events etc.. that will be invisible from my life. In brief i am learning from the mistakes of everyone around me- to say it when you have to, for it to not resurrect itself years later as a regret. And that's exactly what i did. When at the Octogenarians, Pedo called and it was our deal to meet earlier but he couldn't make it so i structured my plan accordingly. Then he called and i wasn't feeling right about leaving her for a couple of hours to meet him; especially after he made the meeting confidential. It was lying- in the most juvenile way; but it was still lying. And knowing her- i would have to give her every detail of the why, how, when, what etc.... I stepped down and now am floating on the happy feeling of doing the right thing!

The Week That Was--2

Earlier sometime this week, at the lunchangular I came across Androgene (who is trying to lose weight) and Water Buffalo and Androgene's his talk about his handmaiden was hilarious. I mean who does so much of dim-wit thinking about people who have no direct, indirect or in any dammed direction to do anything with you. But to my absolute surprise, he went on and on about it, to the point that i wanted to make a nasty remark. Yes, I reigned myself- anger sublimated into laughter. Androgene in the best and the worst sense is amusing. His sense of humour, story narration techniques and incredibly funny usage of lexicon holds me enthralled in amusement.

Later in a conversation at the lunchangular, I voiced to Demeter (i had to choose btw saying it or suffering a headache)- that men have crossed the line- they are turning into women, unfortunately they aren't absorbing the best parts of her. Its more like 'I am a dick-bitch!' This has been a very frustrating observation for a long time now. So when i met parrot's beak, i comforted him with this thought, that he was probably the last of the 'men' i know.

That brings us to Parrot's beak; after my revenge on him- i have settled into the 'yes darling' mode. For some very vague reason, i don't want him as a friend but as an acquaintance. though i behave otherwise- leaving him a floating feeling of 'my best buddy and completely bankable' - i want and don't want that but i dont do anything about it either. (i think i am losing it.) Anyways the evening was fine, funny and all horny as expected- we discussed work, sex, women, orgies, aspirations and sex again. He has this funny way with my mother- i like that. I like it when my friends go all out to impress my mom or tease her. Its just the way i wanted it to be; it keeps her in good spirits and that keeps me happy. Well, maybe that's why i want Parrot's beak to be around.

Around Wed or Thursday, I met up with Sunshine for late night pasta - she has an Arabiata fixation. I met up at her place- there is something in that house, almost like a ghost. You can feel the energy pulsate through you, its extremely distracting and very comforting in ways. I have always been open with my dreams to Sunshine, she isn't a 'this wont happen' person; my decisions strengthen when i am with her. That comes to the reason why i met her-- ' I was pulled away from my determination. I was very hesitant to write my CPC essay. Something within me kept holding me back- like it is now. I kept saying to myself that i was reorganising my ideas etc... but i know its crap. I am just scared. Its pure fear of failure and i am not prepared to encounter that. For now, when i spoke to her- it just had to be a part of my priority. Something that i need as much as i need food to eat or as jigsaw's playmates needed life. [Why are we complacent? Why does comfort settle in so fast and why does it take long for commitment to do so? What is with habits, anyway?]

As we walked out of her place and hauled ourselves in the auto rickshaw to reach our dinner destination- we encountered an irrelevant fight between the auto guy and the car-wala. No one was hurt but the potential of being hurt was the cause of the fight. I waited 30 seconds flat, before asking the rick guy to get going and the second he opened his mouth to complain,' ' aabhi khatm karo' (Finish it now). Its history- he went away'. Sunshine stared at me and i went on a defence as to how- this cow-chewing nonsense really gets to me. I mean whats the point of it all? The moment is gone and u are screwing other moments, for whats not even there! like freaking writing this one down. Move on....

The Week That Was--1

I have been super distracted throughout last week. Too many questions racing through my mind, too many discoveries made, too many little but 'happy' decisions taken.

Dates, time and chronology are not my friends, as a media person- that should be my forte, but it just isn't! I think it has to do with the fact that i don't believe in the notion of time-- that makes my life easier and takes unwanted pressure off my mind. And also puts me into a fix every time i am asked 'When?'.

To begin with- weekend was spent with Octogenarian, it was a super warm experience; i often delay my visit to her because she turns to tell me things about the past that aren't pleasant. It was exactly what happened, she told me all about things and people who had not been on their better behaviour, as a result she had suffered. I was attempting to explain to her that it's history; and therefore didn't matter. She said something to the effect of 'not understanding, trauma, harrassment, etc" that made me feel like my heart was cast in iron- "my mother suffered a lot, she claimed. My mom says the same about her, and i say the same about my mom. But i know for sure my kids, nieces, nephews will never have a tear when, they recollect how amazing their parent's life was!' The very thought of being happy forever makes me proud of myself!

I bunked my School reunion, when Cow called, i lied to her that i had to get out- technically speaking, it wasn't a lie. But then again- I went there about two years ago and it was trash. I didn't like school- i was bored, the same happened at the party. I thought it was a waste of time, so i conveniently bunked this year and will do so i guess, forever!
I don't have any affinity to the school or that purple and beige building, or the teachers; the friends i have from school, stand independent from that land. I thought i should feel bad about it. But i don't, coz it reminds me of the best 7 years of my life to follow- College n Univ.
Nothing beats that!

Howlariously disgusting!

Coming to that, last evening was hilarious! I was trying not to sulk the entire day, as beach boy and Lip tuck raced through my mind. I was missing them more than hell. there comes a point in every ones life when, we love a person so much that we don’t want them to make compromises for us but we won’t make any for them either; coz the wise head in us knows it would make us terribly sad. In my case none but I am responsible for my single status.

To cheer myself, I asked the Monk to blog something nice- he politely did but that wasn’t enough.

The day dragged through and while ducking out of work, Drama King (my bitch on leash) called. He had cajoled a nubile into traveling with him to the capital. I was rest assured, he was going to get her drunk and have a dizzy ‘sexy time’. I finished calling him sluttish and whorish and the other adjectives that I use to describe his gender before we got on to his ‘arre aap..suno toh’: that opened the hilarious story of the Vada Pav (the Bombay burger).

His lady of honour wanted to have this strictly Maharastrian delicacy after they crossed the state border, adamantly she ignored his resistance and his bribe to feed her the best Vada pav from the filthiest, most expensive and supremely delicious corners of b’bay. Read, in Drama King's dramatic gestures with intermittent bitchy gay laughter (reminds me of an ugly wench from an old Ramsay movie) here's how he goes--

"She wanted it right now! it was like her orgasm was held on by that one piece of bread filled with fried potatoes. In the bloody middle of the night, while I was enjoying my Wine high, she declares her fetish for Vada pav! The way she was talking about it – with so much passion and frenzy- I got an image that it was a secret delicacy for beautifying her boobs or something!

Finally we got hold of this guy who would get us the Vada pav and I ended up paying 4x the cost for vadas that were smaller than a hen’s boobs! All I could see was mustard lined all over- the seller asked if we wanted the balls inserted in the pav or would we like to do it our self? Yes, it was awful as his language was loaded with sexual innuendos and she was staring at him with gaping eyes filled with immense desire for that plate of vadas in his hand. He proceeded to ask if we wanted green chillies shoved in- and I was looking at her opening mouth (reading itself for that first bite of sinful mashed potatoes); suppressing my laugh and disgust, as I asked him to just let the poor chillies be!

After he left us with the micro mini vadas – she was a treat to watch – she gobbled and made ‘eating sounds’. I couldn’t help but say that 'at this point, she didn’t need a man- she just needed a vada pav vending machine and she did be good for life!' Frankly, I expected her to either laugh or retort with a nasty remark. She did none, except stare at my vada pav- I didn’t mind, but then again I wasn’t aware of her intentions.

I was sipping the litres of wine, we had sneaked in; when she asked ‘do hens have boobs?’ I was bowled over and missed u there mademoiselle. So, I played along n decided to wiki it- it was fun as we ended with some super-gross and funny things. I was relishing my time and took a bite of the vada pav- sipped wine and within seconds she snatched it from my hands and perpetually swallowed it! I didn’t know what had happened; my faintest memory has her chomping on vada pavs. What do I say, today’s women have some fetishes!”

Ps. My write up was brief and just an outline for u to gauge what it must feel like to hear from a straight guy (who is in fact a woman in a man’s body) with an amusing laugh. It send tremors of laughter and people around me were either jealous or had gotten laughing, with me laughing louder with every description in my phone!

It was a treat—and I by the time I reached home I was thanking my stars for all the wonderfully hilarious and boring (I retold it to the monk and a kill-joy that he is, he didn’t find it funny) people in my life.

DK- Don’t forget our Broadway beer pledge or I shall hit u with a Choo. [ He suggested I wear Choo (like i should wear all the strappy shoe pieces i have to work). I live in Mumbai and travel by trains. Can u imagine – a girl wearing Choo on a Borivali platform and strutting down the uneven streets in Mahim? The man is super crazy funny; and how I love it!]

Bygone

Recently I have discovered that it is most difficult to do justice to an event or experience that just went by without u documenting it. Keeping it for a later time doesn’t seem to work with me. Like every time I sat to write about the vogue Nov issue, I had to refer to the mag- I had to counter check it- recollect what I felt when I read it- walk through the sentences and quotes in my mind—all of that pisses me, it feels forced when it should just be flowing. So here I am promising myself that I shall carry a book like I used to when I was in school (yes, miserable little twit) and pen down rather than wait this long and let it lose its charm.