My Greek God!

I have never ogled at a man, and I am very proud of the same! It adds certain dignity to a woman and some inadequacy to a man.

Although I have helplessly fallen in love with men for what they do - be it writing, photography, painting, theory, money, architecture or politics. They weren't good looking men, or if they were, I didn't notice - it was an added ' ya, okay, whatever', the physicality never seemed to matter.

Today, something happened, my dearest vengeful god very loving pushed me off my snooty edge, my Master Craftsman for the month, with whom I have been conversing with for weeks - send me his image and I froze -

I found my Greek God (Mars himself), my crazy romantic Heathcliff hero, my lion with golden mane! I could hold his hand and elope if he asked me to... ( Yes, I feel that way right now! yes yes, too much of blabber, very lame and we both know, I will never date someone who looked or dressed like that...)

He is actually the only 'man' I have seen till date - absolutely no apologies for calling all the men in my life unmanly. My only grouse when I saw him was - Why don't they make such men in my backyard? Why dear god, why?

why still sit at the table?

when
black heart
blue wind
yellow water
bustling dust
red muck
a bird struck
tar rolled over humans
melting smelly flesh
questions answered
thirst quenched

NOW GET OFF THE TABLE!

et al.

People do not die of broken hearts any more - what a shame.

Conflict

The author of this blog is most upset with herself, for feeling the feelings that she doesn't feel she should feel.

The author of this blog is also feeling very fortunate (as usual) for been given the opportunity to read everything that precipitates positive and irreversible change in her thought process.

A new lesson to be followed : "I think that when in doubt about the truth of an issue, it's safer and in better taste to select the least numerous of adversaries ..."

- Kira Argunova

Gone Missing ....

I increasingly feel the vacuum of some things, here's a list of some that have re-surfaced to be quenched.

1) Jai Sandwich (grilled with masala aloo and whole capsicum), will be had with Arey Lassi! (in fact I should write a post on this genius)

2) University... just want to walk around with old times re-playing in my head.

3) DSP at Walk-In - the best dahi sev puri on this globe (our man serves it chilled!)

4) Juices at Paras - I miss all those papayas, strawberry's, muskmelons, .... just miss them. They will be had - with an embarrassed smile.

5) Hugging, I miss it in general , but what I miss the most are Black Pearl's warmest, tightest, longest bear hugs! The man is blessed with the ability to hug with unconditional (almost spiritual love) that can mend a fractured mind (god. please bless him!)

6) Meeting Drama King for Irani Breakfast, Good luck is a place to be, with meal to have and then walk up the mount Mary steps to pray and kid around!

7) Swim, a long satisfying swim - it should happen this week, hopefully!

8) Listening to Sunshine sing 'Your body is a wonderland' : it's amongst the most soulful songs I have heard - especially coz the way she sings it. Meeting her is another bit that I crave for incessantly.

9) Slide below an acrid pompous skin, seek and slide out swiftly. I don't know when it shall happen, but I know it will.

10) Have that thoughtful Nirvana- like walk with the dawn's halo rising in the hills behind my home. These long aimless walks by myself, make me most happy.

Yup, for now this is it...

The Long Shadow

There's something I would like to understand. I don't think anyone can explain it...there's your life. Now its over or not, doesn't make any difference to anyone, and it's not that they don't care;'its just that they don't know what it is to be you in your life'.

Pain, et. al

Sometimes, I am incapable of feeling pain, I think I lost it somewhere in corridors my school.
Death
Death befuddles me - I can't never react to some one's death the way I am expected to. I think it is weird, very cold and unnatural. Cranky Hag died yesterday, 24 hours later, I am still searching for a feeling of remorse.

Apart from my sealed and distant behavior, what amazes me is the way people around me react to death. Their 'before-and-after' feelings about the same human being are almost MPD-like. Wisecap who has never approved of him was in a state of shock, Childmom couldn't speak for a while and Loudmouth went all out for the family (that was expected), however the most surprising reactions came from Chameleon - although he respected Cranky Hag, he remotely liked him. They all would frown when he called to say that he wanted to come join in - i remember, they would keep the receiver out coz he spoke for so long that it hurt their ears and he spoke non-stop trash. I have never found them saying anything genuine about that dead man. And now they are howling, beating their chest, losing their balance - over what and why?

I don't understand this - I never have. I didn't go visit, I don't like funerals, and consider them absolute waste. When I told Childmom about my 'lack- of- emotion', she clutched my hand - "dare not say a thing now or ever - for your own good. He's dead and you don't want to lose the people you love coz what you just said will never be taken without extreme judgement.” I wouldn't have said it, anyway. Nevertheless, the intense reaction and wide-eyed look got me.

I pondered over all the deaths in my family and realised that I hadn't cried on any of them - just didn't feel like it, coz they all had valid reasons to die, at whatever age they died.
Then I scraped through the things I have cried on - it was funny to know they were inanimate - like losing bunny's smile to a nasty kid, the books that were soaked at the end of my reading, the movies that I watched soaking Black Pearl's right sleeve. That's about it - no people in physicality involved - not even when Bulldozer lost her leg , nope. When I went to see her - absolutely everyone was crying, instead, we chatted about her footless future and ate chunks of almond chocolates.

Didn't feel sad when a pathetic loser was crawling on his knees behind me, crying - I didn't turn to look, or when a dear friend was sitting by my side - begging to be held and understood - I was laughing, I found her 'making a scene in public - crazy hilarious', she was over-reacting. I pass that bench every single day, sometimes I look at it and feel sad, and I know I was wrong to not feel her pain. I was plain cold and she couldn't believe I could be so - I sometimes can't , too.
It's a 'wrapped naked in barb wires feelings - everyone who sees you feels more pain than you are physically experiencing.'

Fidelity
This is just another notion that bites me: 'Torch and Beach boy slept with each other at the weekend party when I had a family-do to attend. I didn't know till last weekend when Torch rung up crying in the middle of the night, when I was on my way home, her guilt was suffocating her. I heard her out amongst the sobs and told her that I would call her up when I reached home. Reached, spoke to dad as he was waiting for me, and then went off to bed.
By morning I had 137 missed calls and 42 smses from both Torch and Beach boy - it was crazy - in precisely 7 hours they had spoken to each other and called me frantically. I couldn't fathom what must have transpired btw them. "Have you lost it?" was my first Q to both of them. Torch was crying uncontrollably and refused to buy that I had forgotten to call her.
It took me two days to tell her that I wasn't pissed, hurt or in pain of betrayal with their act. The two people I love - made love; just that. Who was I to judge or condemn, I have no right - and forget all that; I don't want to! They both haven't digested it, and it makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable to know that they want me to be angry with them.
Beach boy sent me a zillion things to tell me how much he loves me - Torch cursed herself and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't meet her - it saddened me to see her with bags below her eyes, swollen face, unwashed hair. I had to hold her, cradle her in full public view and keep telling her that I love her!
- I wanted to get up and tell the people around me, that the situation demands that we switch places. The cheat shall hold the cheated - not the other way around.

Sexual Fidelity - I don't think I believe in it - I am unhurt by her or his hurt. I felt bad but for a few mins - but was it worth wiping-out two important people from my life? Certainly not! I didn't think it was worth being pissed either. I have invested too much to let something so silly or temporal affect us. Apart from that, the amount of guilt they felt, was worse than any pain I could feel.
Though my stance and reactions made me 'the loving demi-goddess', the fact is that the what, when and why didn't matter to me. It is one of those 'I can't feel a thing' moments.
I would have reacted similarly to them murdering, lying or hurting someone... or so i think for now.

If I were

A close friend sent it and asked me to fwd it to all of my favorite people. Didn't know it would be such a thoughtful exercise!

If I were a beginning, I would be: " The floating board on blue waters, beneath a red moon
the dice rolled three ..."

If I were a tree, I would be: Banyan

If I were a musical instrument, I would be: bongo

If I were an animal, I would be: The white shark

If I were a sound, I would be: Thud or Phatak or Owwww

If I were a scent, I would be: Raat Rani or the White Lily

If I were a religion, I would be: peace

If I were a facial expression, I would be: Smile

If I were a subject in college, I would be: Philosophy

If I were a color, I would be: white

If I were a thing, I would be: Diamonds

If I were a book, I would be: Like water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

If I were a monument, I would be: The Colossus of Rhodes

If I were an artist, I would be: A photographer / craftsman

If I were a collection of poems, I would be: The Four Quatrets- by Eliot

If I were an element, I would be: Water

If I were a Word, I would be: Phantasmagoria, Chutnefication

If I were a watch, I would be: Dead

If I were a theory, I would be: Re-construction or one of Iser's

If I were a cartoon, I would be: Hobbs from Calvin and Hobbs

If I were a technology, I would be: The mind-chip or the time machine

If I were a super hero, I would be : Superman

If I were a Shakespearean Character, I would be: the Fool from all his plays!

If I were alone, I would be: Free

Hmmm...to stay or leave?

Hmmmm.... my fav Enlighten called yesterday and I was more than thrilled that he did so! but something he said made me ponder - about this blog; child mom, torch, jawbreaker, moss (the other day ) told me about being personal in a public space. for some reason, me voicing my likings (which i know r a little off-beat) on this platform is not being appreciated. last time torch asked me why a 'certain some man' was mentioned here - "what does that prove?" nothing actually, i remarked, "yes but the name is there. get it off or get ur name off." or when on a particularly 'opinionated post' jaw-breaker warned, "dude, these places are pull-up zones, why do u want to voice here - sala problems ho sakte hai."

then the very clear Child mom spoke - " See, i love u, but i don't think you are on the same wavelength as most - i appreciate that u don't write ur mind 'carbon copied' (that would make the world throw a fit!) but i think u should shut this shop, u are too dammed people centered - and very obvious that too. People will not take it as 'oh, she feels this today - tomorrow she will grow from this too (yes, most don't follow the 'shedding-skin' philosophy) - No, they will say 'hey, she has this to say about me, or how can she feel this way?' they will question and then distance and they will not understand.' K do u understand?" the concern in her voice as almost boiling with care.


Yes, i do! i mean these are the people who encourage me to move away from my forged title to who i was - 'own up - chicken' is what the monk said (he still says so) but i think others have moved out and seen the wise side of not voicing yourself for the sake of a third party's attention and judgement. then again, how does a third party matter? And if my loved ones will not know the 'real' me who will? (whats with me and single quotation marks)

*long Sigh* i am thinking - they maybe right and i maybe wrong or is it vice verse?
Grrrr... i so don't like this!

Falling In Love - Andre

Although the author of the blog is going crazy over bits and strips of fur at the Paris Fashion Week - she needs time to amalgamate the ones that have found her favor for this season.

I could not but neglect my current love and decided to voice it. What could my poor soul do - I have to hit the gongs in public, he's too far away for me to whisper into his ears... though I shall do that too, soon :D!

I helplessly fall in love with madness and beauty!




When I first saw him/her, I smiled instantly - I knew a genius was being blended into beauty. Then his images made me drool, sigh and smile, they are a complete turn-on, how could someone capture exquisite beauty with such brilliance? The images are visibly composed but they are not crafted and they flow - they call for attention and mark their space! I have seen this so rarely in any work of art. After spending hours every other day on him, reading about his work, defending his techniques, is just so pleasurable.


This man like my love Hans Neleman is filled to the rim with beauty and perfection. this crudeness and boldness only comes with the innate quality of being superior to the human race. The conviction that what you shoot will reflect a universe within and without you - that will shake-up this little ball called earth and transform the lady in the lens into an ethereal figure!

Yes, I love him - I love him to pits! It's not just this work I admire, it's him too, - the ogle worthy, hug worthy, wrapped in glitters package. The way he looks and clicks, sometimes I can feel him holding his breath seconds before he decides to press that forefinger on the shutter release with the speed of lightening.

Linda Bassman, you have a successor (in a wicked and bold sort of way) Andre.J is going to kick-ass and mock the hateful straights into suicide! Mwaaah :D

Check my Sexy Out :

http://andre-j.com/index.html

For The Day

Randomness Incarnate:


1) I saw a dead crow in the middle of the street, then a jeep ran over its body and crushed it completely.

2) I feed old people and street urchins, whenever and where ever I see them, irrespective of how late I am. I shoo away beggars and women who beg with infants in their arms.

3) I love bitter chocolate and espresso shots - they calm me down.

4) Movies have a unique effect on me - almost like my morning meditation.

5) I am sometimes thoughtless in speech but most of the times - it is intentional.

6) I enjoy the shock value certain things have - like meeting eunuchs on the train and striking conversation with them.

7) I am extremely judgemental about people with extreme judgements.

8) I weave factions with great enthusiasm and have fooled zillions with them.

9) My lie is often caught and I suck at it - although I am a writer. Gosh my future is scary.

10) My hair has a mind of its own - it is just as disobedient as I. Sometimes I think I will shave it off in revenge! on the other hand, my mind has a tongue of its own - whenever I see a mirror or an over-powering thought passes through the mind, I say it aloud, only to hear if it sounds as good as it reads in my mind.

11) I can laugh at almost everything - funny, gross, sad, irritated, unfortunate and happy. It is my back-up emotion and reflex action to everything unexpected.

12) I love god and know I am his/hers favorite child - I have been offered protection for every calamity of mind, body, heart and soul. I once saved a butterfly in college and it returned to my window to show me it was alive - it was my first "I am not crazy, but it happened' experience. Everything unfit for me in the larger picture is removed strategically by the universe. (I am sorry that the eclectic bitch and hyper bastard aren't together. I was unsure of what I felt when I knew they were together. But I am sad that he made her cry and became something that he hates the most. However, they deserved each other. Thank you god, for letting her step-in and bear the burns.)

13) I have super powers - a) I can tell you if a person has a good soul in 30 secs after I meet them. b) I have an electric charge and often receive shocks around metal objects and people with strong magnetic fields. c) I can tell which person has a serious past-life debt to payoff. d) I just know certain things - period. There are a bunch of scary and scarred things about my past life and the people that are around me now and were then.

14) There is black hole in my mind. I enjoy SAW and Hair Spray back to back, then have the enthusiam to watch Gattaca.

15) I am rubber and you are glue - everything evil you and do bounces off me and sticks on you!

16) I love pop-art more than Picasso, Guernica was such a disaster of a painting. Dali must have been quite a piece to watch in his hay days - however I love pop-art and Andy Warhol supersedes them.

17) I think too much about roads not taken, lives not lived and feelings not felt.



18) Photography especially with a considerable shadow and play of light on human nudes turns me on completely! there is something a photographer can do with a face and a body that no other art form can fathom doing! I keep falling in love with this form of art.

19) Fashion and luxury freeze me and am extremely critical of the same, just like the literary trends. I think Carine Roitfeld is probably the most beautiful editor the world of vogue can lay claim to. (she is unconventional looking and what she exudes is confidence and a shit attitude towards trends - the wild side of fashion is what I think makes her a class apart unlike the U.S (more celeb driven) and the brit (classical and vendor friendly) vogues'.

20) ..............certain things will never be had, certain emotions never be released, certain voices never be heard, certain memories never be shared, certain secrets will die with me.