I return to Mixed Bag a year later. If someone were to ask what have I felt in a year - I would be able to express by digging a well-like hole in the ground and weeping into it. It would fill to the brim and then return to the earth with no proof left of any remainder emotion. I could live through days and months, but not make phone calls to soul sister, halo, sunshine, drama king or my never husband, I could not type a single line on Mixed Bag.
Not that I have nothing to say, it is that I have 'nothing' to say about the topsy-tuvy life choices, about the melancholy that drowns me, the waning color my heart and numbing of my mind. I have everything that I always jabbered about. I have is all the props and the characters, however they are without a soul. I pray everyday that I maybe blessed with the power to breath-in life. Maybe blessed to sooth the turmoil and to awaken the heart. To instill feeling, emotion and expression.
I relocated to a snow carpeted earth last year and went into a literary hibernation. As my former world moved with the swiftness of Mumbai's locals, I lie under a comforter, protecting myself from my demons: Some imagined, some discovered, some created.
Marriage changes everything, living with another individual, discovering them and creating a dynamics with them is a hell of a experience to live through. It makes you wiser, resilient and patient. It also teaches you to build up your guard, and you will discover that your humble heart is not fragile, that it can take much badgering without falling on its knees. What it has taught me the most is self-preservation.
for me, falling in love was equal to diving in a high wave where everything blurs, where you drown and float, where your senses are on weed and your mind is meditative. It is a 3 second phase where you are prepared to let go and be consumed only to feel one with the universe. Marriage is the aftermath, where you struggle to rise up for a gasp of air, where legs flap in uncoordinated movements, where the mind fights for clarity and your body ignores all sensation. The turbulence demands action and all the physical movements feel unnecessary, even though programmed.
When you see the bright sky and people all around, you know that the ride is over. That the diving was satisfying; the swim after - that was mandatory.
