As the evening blended into cold twilight the talk with Drama King strayed into-- 'our perfect partners', esp. now that our parents want us to 'settle down'. We were laughing at our newest findings and all that was lacking in us to say 'i do'.The same thing that the world is looking for- a life long romance, the Zing that Tingles and Lingers, the sweet pain, the poisonous kiss, the madness, yearning, comfort and ecstasy. Repercussion was, we revisited our exes.
I have hated Drama King for this, he just never seems to get over her. Like a pathetic puppy he begs and cries and begs for more of what remains- Pity. I find it humiliating and infuriating when we drive down certain streets and bridges, I wait for the dreaded moment when he says 'Mademoiselle, the cat woman and I would..., the cat woman loved this...' we wait there as he pays tribute to a forlorn memory. being a loyal friend, I throw stinging remarks, trample over his love talk, say nasty things. Actually do/ say everything enough, for any sane person to throw me out of his car and ask to get lost! But it doesn't seem to affect him- he has learnt to revel in the 'nothing is left, i am cold hearted' imaginary world; somewhat like the Monk with beads.
But last evening was almost a deja vu, of dinner i had with Sunshine last week. She also wants her ex back, irrespective of whatever (whatever not being nice)! She confidently stated that she knew her ex was thinking about her even as we were talking and i had no reason to disbelieve. I didn't want her to give up; closure sometimes paves way for a new beginning, esp. if she wanted it this intensely!
We ruminated the same shit with me claiming that i ain't settling for less... but as i spoke, I knew that the ghost of our ex and past relationships will never really leaves us! It will be an annoying ghost and hang on to our neck, tug at our hair to remind us of places, people, things, situations, emotions... The fangs of the loss/ mistake or purposeful separation; dig deeper and procrastinate the joy someone else can give. Morbidity settles in, 'our songs' are replayed, over-working is a norm, avoiding the obvious parties is a must, leaving the city/country and stalking the ex- on social networking sites becomes a way of life.
Worse is when meeting friends; the talk subtly shunts to the ex and that seems to be the whole purpose of being there! And once at the station, the train refuses to travel anywhere!
Often, people talk about their ex- more than their current, ironically when they were together they seemed less involved than its hangover.
I sometimes feel that we are more in love with the idea of love and separation than the person him/herself. --- That answers my question of why we unconsciously cast our self in roles that we would critique otherwise?
