Why should you read Mixed Bag?

The writer is currently under the influence of Spider Jerusalem. (you find out who the dog fucking asshole is!)

So why should you read Mixed Bag? Coz, life is full of hippo-shit and I got more shit in my head than you got in your clogged crap pot.




 

Day after euphoria- Garden Eden.

Enlighten calls Goa “the Garden Eden- and imagine how close it must be to hell!” Well, I affirm! We were so busy being happy, high and satiated that we forgot to take pictures. We have a couple of snaps but most of the time the entire jingbang was busy swimming in the sea to turn to the camera. Although i regret not having photo-memories I have many moments that are frozen in my long term memory.

I love the sea- i guess its needless to reiterate but I do love it so much! E n I with our vitriolic tongues burst bubbles of everyone who was 'playing in the sea'; which dimwit does that? We saw many frogs that were playing in shallow waters. E n I , also Chameleon (only once though) swam deep waters. Swimming in the sea is probably the best experience to have (after floating in the sea). I really wish the Wise capitalist liked the sea as much as we did - but the control freak that she is, it would be impossible. She loves the pool though- actually she is like a hippo in the pool. But the sea has a beauty of its own, at candolim, arambol and kolva - the sea was wild. Arambol probably subdued but the evening sea is to watch out for!

When E n I swam at Kolva we could feel the force of the sea, the setting sun helped the waves to engulf us and the seabed beneath our feet slipped away, the waves started to rise higher and as Chameleon fought them, he almost drowned. For a second, he thought this was it - the end was here. That is a lesson, when the waves want to fuck u - you should surrender. The second u surrender to nature- be it a jungle trail, water (even a pool when, you are learning to swim), or in the air - when u are not in control - surrender and nature will take care of u. E n I dived in as the waves rose, and when i couldn't swim the current, i simply floated- the waves brought me to the shore. Forget the fact that it was the far end and i had to alternatively walk n swim back to our resort.

That was day 2 of the 2008. A fantastic evening that began with swimming in the sea and ended with tequila shots, poetry, E playing guitar, dark horse singing and chameleon doing a holy drama - he is loving , funny and incorrigibly belligerent .

Howlariously disgusting!

Coming to that, last evening was hilarious! I was trying not to sulk the entire day, as beach boy and Lip tuck raced through my mind. I was missing them more than hell. there comes a point in every ones life when, we love a person so much that we don’t want them to make compromises for us but we won’t make any for them either; coz the wise head in us knows it would make us terribly sad. In my case none but I am responsible for my single status.

To cheer myself, I asked the Monk to blog something nice- he politely did but that wasn’t enough.

The day dragged through and while ducking out of work, Drama King (my bitch on leash) called. He had cajoled a nubile into traveling with him to the capital. I was rest assured, he was going to get her drunk and have a dizzy ‘sexy time’. I finished calling him sluttish and whorish and the other adjectives that I use to describe his gender before we got on to his ‘arre aap..suno toh’: that opened the hilarious story of the Vada Pav (the Bombay burger).

His lady of honour wanted to have this strictly Maharastrian delicacy after they crossed the state border, adamantly she ignored his resistance and his bribe to feed her the best Vada pav from the filthiest, most expensive and supremely delicious corners of b’bay. Read, in Drama King's dramatic gestures with intermittent bitchy gay laughter (reminds me of an ugly wench from an old Ramsay movie) here's how he goes--

"She wanted it right now! it was like her orgasm was held on by that one piece of bread filled with fried potatoes. In the bloody middle of the night, while I was enjoying my Wine high, she declares her fetish for Vada pav! The way she was talking about it – with so much passion and frenzy- I got an image that it was a secret delicacy for beautifying her boobs or something!

Finally we got hold of this guy who would get us the Vada pav and I ended up paying 4x the cost for vadas that were smaller than a hen’s boobs! All I could see was mustard lined all over- the seller asked if we wanted the balls inserted in the pav or would we like to do it our self? Yes, it was awful as his language was loaded with sexual innuendos and she was staring at him with gaping eyes filled with immense desire for that plate of vadas in his hand. He proceeded to ask if we wanted green chillies shoved in- and I was looking at her opening mouth (reading itself for that first bite of sinful mashed potatoes); suppressing my laugh and disgust, as I asked him to just let the poor chillies be!

After he left us with the micro mini vadas – she was a treat to watch – she gobbled and made ‘eating sounds’. I couldn’t help but say that 'at this point, she didn’t need a man- she just needed a vada pav vending machine and she did be good for life!' Frankly, I expected her to either laugh or retort with a nasty remark. She did none, except stare at my vada pav- I didn’t mind, but then again I wasn’t aware of her intentions.

I was sipping the litres of wine, we had sneaked in; when she asked ‘do hens have boobs?’ I was bowled over and missed u there mademoiselle. So, I played along n decided to wiki it- it was fun as we ended with some super-gross and funny things. I was relishing my time and took a bite of the vada pav- sipped wine and within seconds she snatched it from my hands and perpetually swallowed it! I didn’t know what had happened; my faintest memory has her chomping on vada pavs. What do I say, today’s women have some fetishes!”

Ps. My write up was brief and just an outline for u to gauge what it must feel like to hear from a straight guy (who is in fact a woman in a man’s body) with an amusing laugh. It send tremors of laughter and people around me were either jealous or had gotten laughing, with me laughing louder with every description in my phone!

It was a treat—and I by the time I reached home I was thanking my stars for all the wonderfully hilarious and boring (I retold it to the monk and a kill-joy that he is, he didn’t find it funny) people in my life.

DK- Don’t forget our Broadway beer pledge or I shall hit u with a Choo. [ He suggested I wear Choo (like i should wear all the strappy shoe pieces i have to work). I live in Mumbai and travel by trains. Can u imagine – a girl wearing Choo on a Borivali platform and strutting down the uneven streets in Mahim? The man is super crazy funny; and how I love it!]

overhearing

Scene: On my way back home, in the train compartment. Aboard two college girls, laughing (not giggling), talking loudly, dragging their speech with an acquired accent. they plonk on the seats, one beside me the other opposite her.

"A- That was sooo Dumb!
B- kmpltetlllllyyy

A- (in nasal voice) I just hope this dammed thing looks good (twisting her fake blond streak).
B- Oh come one- let me do the VJ Anushaa thing (ties her hair with a claw in a perfect twirl, giving the blond streak a classy effect)

A- the compartment is so dead!
(every woman turns only to throw identical dead-pan looks)

A- I have a chocolate!
B- U are supposed to lose weight not gain it!

A- i exercise and i didn't have lunch
B - hey, i may have a fruit- its much more nutritious.

A - Okay! but don't stare at my chocolate.
B- ya, right- you don't stare at my figure."

the approx. weight for A- 55, B- 38-40.

As Drama King says, "Being fat is the crime of the century!"

Boy Watching

I am smirking since day before yesterday: I can't wipe it off my face and people around me find it very amusing. Why? Remember, my clock is ticking? So momzie dearest decides to set her darling up for matrimony- boy watching is happening, emails sending photos, inviting for chats etc...

One thing that I have observed in all this matrimonial madness, is that the boy is always handsome, smart and successful- like most are on Orkut - Mirror cracking materials (lol) pun intended.

Initially, I thought it would torture me to see boy pics on the net, select them after horoscopes have been matched, there will be stigma attached blah blah blah... but this is fun. In fact the poor boys have become a part of the 'poke fun' hour- the bait in the game.loudmouth, momzie and I get to analyse the boys from his- pic, resume, to his orkut profile... we sound bitchy sometimes but mostly hilarious! She tells me of her 'marriage days' and the kind of boys she met etc... it's crazy funny and we all end up talking into the midnight.

Loudmouth is particularly nasty to NRI boys with high paying jobs, car, place of his own all in the middle of a desert! Why didn't they mention that as well?” Childmom said something equally funny about a boy from Mumbai, with sarcastic sense of humour, into some jargon filled job, with keen interest in multiple extra-curricular activities! And so on, then there are the ones she likes- nice parents, better looking boy, good family, education, a particular city, hobbies etc...

Yesterday, I was amusing monkey baby by barking at her and making funny animal sounds - which is a common 'i am excited and in a funny mood' behaviour. Spectator to the madness of my noise and hers, Momzie stood in the doorway and said-- “I will just pray that ur Mr. Perfect is either blind to ur madness, enjoys it, or is equally mad!” I jumped to answer -Inshallah!

Life for a single girl parading herself for the marital business doesn't seem that bad either... :~))

P.S I want to share the details with Monarch but he refuses to pick up calls (even from his mom!) and i am so worried n pissed. My birthday is a week away and my 'to-do' list is not ready, but my 'gifts to myself' are in full form (:~D) moreover, they are perfectly appreciated by the Quilt dwellers! I am so kicked to turn a quarter of a century old!