These are unsaid, unwritten laws, practiced in silence and never broken. Once you start to travel, you shall know what I speak of; use it as a code of parley, because when you enter a 09.04am train, you are in dangerous territory.
1. Boarding a train: Lets’ image a situation. You are boarding an empty Churchgate bound train from Borivali. Your options are: wait for the specialists to jump in, let the herd of cows scramble in and then you board with the near-to-retirement aunties and pray to find some space to stand, comfortably.
You could be a specialist and grab a window seat, but you have to risk falling inside or outside the compartment, getting bruised, breaking your bones and sometimes dying. However, watching an expert jumper is pure pleasure, an art you must watch.
2. Bags and Kids Not Allowed: There is no space during the rush hours for your duffel bag. Just in case you were contemplating dragging in your trolley bag, ‘out’ is safer than 'in’. Once you enter, clutch your bag to your chest, lest it hit someone, even by mistake. If you are carrying a backpack, laptop, multiple bags, lunch bags in addition to your workbag, it is only polite that you request the lady standing by the window to keep your bag on the shelf. It would be better if you did it yourself in a less crowded train, as some may object to you making them work free.
Leave your child at home, use common sense. A crying baby/toddler in a crowded compartment full of stressed women on a single agenda is like throwing a puppy in a pond of piranhas. Well, not that ugly but why would you want your child and you to be cursed first thing in the morning or evening or anytime?
3. The Right to Alight: The sign on the compartment walls, if you look carefully says, ‘let passengers alight first’. However, the rules of the game have changed. There are queues, if you are in a Western track train, then Andheri is the dominant bully, the women form a line on the left side of the door and everyone else is expected to alight and board from the right side. Why? Try asking when you are in a foul mood and up for a fight.
If you have to alight at, say Bandra, it is your duty to get up once the train leaves Santacruz station. Khar comes next and it will give you enough time to maneuver through the crowd without rushing and pushing anyone. In a relatively less crowded train, you could get up one station before from your destination.
It is common for passengers standing behind you to tap on your shoulder or back and ask ‘Bandra?’ or ‘Andheri?’ They have not misunderstood your name; they are asking whether you are getting off on that station, if not, you make space for them to go ahead.
4. Single and Multiple Seat Reservations: Yes, you can book seats and for free! If you wish to find yourself a seat in a crowded train, all you have to do is, ask. Usually, you need to point a forefinger at the woman sitting near the window, and take the row from there. They know the look and will tell you the station they’d alight, reserve the seat that is will ensure you seat earliest. Just in case you have a seat at Malad but there is a fourth seat at Andheri, on a train bound to Borivali. Reserve both, you get a seat at Andheri and when the Malad is near, you move to a more comfortable one. All you need is a nod, and the deal is sealed.
5. What is mine is yours too: Newspapers, magazines, candy, books, food, music players, iPads, laptops, knowledge bases and everything else possible is public property on a train. Once you are done with your Midday, someone will ask for it. If you are reading a book, be rest assured someone will make a comment on it, or simply smile with affirmation or frown on your taste in books. There will be communication, your chips packet will be stared at, the chocolate will bring up conversations on how good or bad it is on the weighing scale.
This is how most people have found a fool proof diet plan or gym buddies or geek sisters. Make full use of this knowledge base!
6. Hair Care: Tying your hair in a bun will be made mandatory in the near future. For now, why would you want your hair flying in someone’s face? Why do you want someone’s hair flying into your face? Have some civic sense, use a hair band. Women often politely tell you (not ask) to take your hair forward, so that they poke and itch you, in case you suffer from dry hair, dandruff and split ends.
7. Guidelines to Standing: standing is an art, especially during a peak hour when you have no space to move. Balancing is the key, it is important to hold on to something (the bar on the side or the handle bar above) and stand on one foot, and keep swapping feet. There are too many feet that are climbing on to your foot and in time, your foot will be the one landing on someone else’s foot. Also move with your feet, your body gets pushed, but there’s always some space at the foot. This will take care of your moving forward.
8. Guidelines to Sitting: If you are seated, you are lucky, if you are not, you are luckier. Everyone who is seated has arses in their face. The rest is left to your imagination. When you are seated on the fourth seat, it is only polite to sit at the edge of the seat, where there is more space and everyone is comfortable. Every time someone on your seat gets up, ask your neighbor to move, politely. Thereby making a fourth seat available for another standing person. Many women oblige other women by giving them their seat and seating in turns, for example: you sit from X’ station to Y’ and let the standing woman sit from Y’ to Z'. It is common courtesy to accommodate and help.
9. Creating the illusion of space: This one was invented by a genius psychologist, or maybe an MBA in Human Resource. When seated near the window or the third seat, and a lady asks you to ‘shift’, meaning create space for her, when there may be none. You wriggle in your position creating a picture of moving or shifting but not really moving anywhere. It’s like running on a treadmill, you are running, but you aren't going anywhere. The point is, it works! Your wriggle is bought and miraculously the lady now has enough space to rest her butt.
10. Dressing for a train travel: If you have a wedding to attend, beg borrow, steal a car, and leave three hours in advance, but do not get into the train. In the least in the morning or evening. Refrain from tying dupattas/stoles around your neck, unless you want to be strangled. It is best that you stuff them in your bag, with your loose watch, bracelet, anklet, and everything else, which can fall off, during your journey. You are allowed headphones, the music should be loud enough only for you though.
Wear the most comfortable shoes, heels are a bad idea just in case you are travelling far and may have to stand. Also in a crowded train, when feet climb atop one another, your heel will make co-passengers bleed. And their heels will make you scream. Flats, floaters, keds, even sport shoes can be tolerated, but not heels, even kitten heels! Be pragmatic, carry your stilettos in your bag and wear them at work.
Mumbai trains are the best teachers; they teach you empathy, courage, sacrifice, cunning, and gratitude. Thank you Mumbai, for trains and much.
