Which side of the sexual fence are you?

Is there a fence in the first place? I suggest look closer.

“Sexuality is fluid.” Sunshine said, I jumped to agree 'completely'! Then we spoke about her lecture in Deutsch on sexuality at the Max Muller Bhavan and the kind of questions she faced. Our conversation lasted about an hour covering: Sexuality n it's types, practices and meanings; incest, sex with animals and sodomy as sexual practices and finally myths.

Sexuality is deeper than we perceive it, sexual theorists, romance and porn writers have shed much light in the layered development of sexual desires. These practices shocked me into looking at things without prejudging them as perverse or abnormal. The lines are very thin and dangerously blurred with subjectivity and relativity.

Sunshine made certain 'declarations' that were argued upon by her friends- I agreed with her friends but I had heard this declaration from Honey bum as weel, i had argued and he had resisted. Since then, i had told myself that 'i will never live in denial, least of all sexual'.

Gender battle and sexuality came face front with patriarchy in 1910, U.K, U.S, Europe; (1950, India) women were criticising, voicing, writing without a male pseudonym and committing suicides (max self-deaths occurred from 1920 to 1935). And the 1st woman's congress was born (it was rooted for a fight at a bar!) - and they were lesbians, not heterosexual women!

In the Fight for equality, kind lesbians let Heteros join the battle and have a voice that their sleeping partners did not allow. Decades later, it became a women's movement for freedom. And the leaders of this movement thought that the lesbians were a threat to the noveau patriarchy that hetero women festered through 'the sexual bargain' (including India). Bra burning stopped and corsets came in, cleavages were flaunted and ' la femme ecriture' was written. Women became body from being mind and soul. The womens' movement has deteriorated with multiple dimensions and sexuality has been a highlighted one. [Sexual freedom is the highest paid research topic in Gender and Sexuality by U.N. The only research to receive so much funding is Aids amongst Gay and Prostitutes in under-developed country brothels.]

Here is some clarity on beliefs:

Even though Sexuality is a choice, for most of us it is a part of our conditioning; like religion. Sexual initiation practices are more dependant on families than traditions- (refer: my god died young).

Sexuality is divided into: Hetero (attraction to opposite sex), homo ( attraction to same sex), Bi ( attraction to both sexes). Sexuality in its simplest sense means 'likely to have sex with'.

Gender is divided into social roles of Masculine and Feminine, Dominant and Submissive, Trans (sexual change from one gender to another). Gender in its simplest sense means 'Likely to follow set behavioural patters of'

Homosexual women are not Heterosexual women who have suffered at the hands of a man and therefore turned lesbian.

Gay men are not men who are effeminate because they were brought up with mother and sisters or have many women friends.

Bisexual women do not have hair on their breasts (hair has to do with hormones and not sexuality, so hetero or homo or trans can have hair). They chose to enjoy a man's and a woman's body with equal respect.

Butch women are not men in a woman's body. They simply chose to be with other women and dress like men.

Its not mandatory that homosexuals are creative, emotional, fun loving, sensitive to ur feelings etc... Heterosexuals endorse the same qualities.

Heterosexual men are not necessarily abusive and gays are not necessarily not abusive.

Relationships have the same impact and influence in all sexual choices.

The only difference is that it is Criminal to be Homosexual [gay or lesbian (butch or femme)], read IPC 377.

Sodomy, animal sex and incest is illegal in most countries because all of them do not have human voice or consent (willingness with full understanding of the situation and its aftermath).

Abuse means - without consent.

Pornography is criminalised in India and child pornography is criminalised all over the world. Homosexual Rape and torture pornography, sex slavery (south America, Chile, panama, japan, Russia, bangladesh etc..) and child slavery are some of the top profit making businesses over the world in competition with drugs, outsourcing information and prostitution.

Must reads- Foucault's History of sexuality. Body and woman by SNDT press. Gender by from Kamla Bashin.


Think about it.

Maahi- Monochrome

Croma haze is alluring, elevating and defining for most writers and photographers. We have come to associate life with color - the multiple shades of greens in a plant, the pinks in a flower and browns and reds in a landscape... they make our pictures look alive and ready to go. Flip side is that we have lost the charm of monochrome.

The sketch (Va Sievietes Mugura) remined me of two things:

A song - Maahi ve, teri yaad aati hai re....

A friend- its black pearl's favourite image: and something that scares me a lot sometimes.

TOI- Myths

I will avoid the crappy story that otherwise i would retell and conclude: and this is not jumping to conclusion.

1)People who believe TOI is the best daily amongst the rest- haven't read the others with any regularity or sincerity.

2) People quote from the TOI because they rarely read anything else.

3) TOI rarely writes for d nation- they write for their advertisers.

4) Fiction writing is also a part of your journalistic skills and in crises there is 'nothing wrong with enhancing the facts' - ref-India TV.

Realise, mediocrity or/ and sensation like tobacco is a habit that kills you in the long run.

Series of dissapointments

Starting with not being able to write about Vogue, searching for the right words to describe each piece, feels unnaturally difficult... so does writing for CPC, but i want to be 1000% right with CPC- i have to be flawless and there is no other way it will be!

My beloved clutch is probably travelling in a slow train and therefore taking so long to come back to mommy. I miss you baby. In my agony i forgot that there were enough valuables in there- jeweller's bill, hard cash, my Id and quarterly, my driving licence (not that i drive), my business card, debit cards, my imp numbers diary, my pin number, stash of my passport size photos.... all of that will have to replenished.... clutchy baby come back now!


The train journey was very good, I was determined to have a place to sit and i got one instantly- for a change i was stared at by a chic looking funny woman (she was dressed in light green corporate top, brown checked khadi feeling semi-formal trousers, witch-point, short heel purple sued with satin bow shoes and a big rectangular beige Birkin bag. I was finishing my chanting (she stared at me as i do at women listening to ipod bhajans) and then pulled out my Everyone Worth Knowing copy, the mocking smile on her face clearly called me 'pseudo, hypocritical and shallow' too bad coz i think i am none of those. i almost wanted to explain but i looked up and my left eyebrow twitched out of habit and her smile faded... NO i didn't like the scene. Went back to reading and didn't realise when she got off the train.

Had to write a long letter to Style Icon- i promised him and didn't write (i am ashamed).

Had to collect my solitaire (my birthday gift to myself) but am behaving lackadaisical, dependant and for some reason unsure. I want it, its mine and it brings me infinite joy!

Saw OSO, Sawariyan and Jonny Gaddar and all of them were silly, floppy and total turn offs. They were such a big let down- so many hours of nonsense from intelligent people. Worse, the Rj's aren't being honest - film critics Taran Adarsh and Mayank Shekhar minced words only because the banners are too big. SAY THAT THE FILMS ARE TRASH!

Blatantly lied n bunked dinner on Sunday nigh, coz i am unhappy with the wise capitalist and myself. I said things that i shouldn't have to child mom and for some reason i think WC knows- sure she is pissed and not showing it. So i bunked her dinner party- i didn't want to feed myself and don't like the restaurant she does and am not really fond of the people she invited, esp old idiot. I also made snide remarks at night when Loud mouth gave me full dope on who, what, how, when. I don't like anything about myself when i am in the 'pussy me' mood.

Monday morn, i find out that my DnG face-cover dark glasses r broken at the rim. It felt like a stab, i shrieked, tore my hair and gave multiple bad words in my head before i smiled and mockingly said Perfect, before putting them back. No clue how they cracked (the case is big, sturdy and they never come out of it). Luckily only the frame is damaged, so there go my hard earned thousands (haven't preserved the bill).

Walked into office and realised stuff is undone, have to edit my own article and no clue what to crop.

My HR sent thought for the day- "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."- Mary Engelbreit. Yes, it is helping me recover, but what really gave me the confidence was Diana's tagline - LIFE WANTS ME!-- what a wonderful thing to say!

Wallah! Mawha, mawha, mawha!

Pour in the Cosmopolitans!

… and the Manhattans, sambucas, tequilas, strawberry martini, bloody mary and kaipiroska… all my spirits rise… Quarter of a century has passed!

My Birthday (06'11) took the center spot, didn’t sleep a wink for 28 hours and wasn’t pissed at all. All my friends called; people who I like and don’t like so much wished me a blast. Lost forgotten acquaintances called, scrapped and messaged. So from early midnight to 2:30 am I was glued to replay “Thanks a ton darling!”, when pork sausage called, I was surprised and super happy that he hadn’t forgotten my b’day as expected (not that I would be sad otherwise). We had a frank “okay this is what I feel right now” conversation for an hour (which will mean zilch by morn or the next time we meet) and I hung up as d cell phone battery gave up on me.

The last call after I put on charge was at 4:30 am, post my shower was of talk-a-thon and we almost cried (I miss her so much sometimes that it hurts …) as usual we made stay over plans which got postponed the very next day. The second sweetest thing to happen was that her boyfriend smsed and that was the 1^st time in a year and half that we spoke, I haven’t met him, so I called back promptly and he replied, "talk-a-thon misses u like hell, so I couldn’t help but wish"…I was so touched by the gesture that I wanted to sms her and ask her to marry him right away (no, I didn’t do any of that, thankfully!) 5:30 am we were at the ganesh mandir and did an hour long birthday Puja, when I walked out of the temple I saw the dawn, just as I always want to.

Throughout the day I received wishes, exciting, expensive and super useful gifts. Demeter gave me three gifts out of which the L’Oreal crème is blissful. Monarch send me his patent flowers and cake (none of which I like) and I have made that clear for the past three years, but he isn’t a listener. Drama King sent a huge bouquet of crimson roses to office and I got those looks from people (hmm… secret admirer, lucky bitch etc...) I found it dramatic and embarrassing but clearly enjoyed it. Also received ‘marry me’ return gifts from my dude-pals (I really want to write about this, maybe I will eventually).

Returned home, went for an aarti, performed it myself; mom made favourite dinner and then left to meet the wise-capitalist. Style Icon called – his was the last but one call of the day, I was travelling and hence couldn’t hear clearly, my rick guy didn’t know the way and we were almost lost. However, I was happiest to hear his voice and his were the best wishes I could have asked for throughout the day- it was my heart’s desire that the cosmos sent thru with him. He is really my icon of sorts.

I waited for that one important person to call me (she was the only on left!) and it was 10 pm and my phone didn’t still ring in her name; so I called her. Reminded her to wish me and she laughed louder and longer. Soul sister was waiting for my frustration levels to rise and then call—such a crook! But we had a long conversation and a very mutually satisfying one. We miss each other- our lives are like a power house of action but we are the 1^st to open a bottle of champagne and write tributes to each other. Plus, we have always been there- on the phone, in person, in telepathy… when in crisis I contemplate what she or the Wise-capitalist would have done (they are almost perfect and never ever wrong!). So we had our usual Diwali henna session and by 01:30 am, I was done. Am content with the blessings, the prayers and the ‘babes, u got to do it’!

Style Icon on my next b’day, we are going to paint the city rainbow together, PROMISE.

ps. black pearl, wise-capitalist, tutor, the man, sunshine, kaka boy, taurea, pork sausage, rapunzel, ice, bitch-face, demeter, twinkley, turban king,mole on the lip, monarch, dolfi, child mom, talk-a-thon, callcenter-boy, dead monk, straight talk, adi, loud mouth, chameleon, jaw breaker, soul sister, insipid grin, thin pin, mokshi, chitooo and the rest.... THANK YOU

To Tip or not to Tip is the Q

I don't tip at a restaurant; irrespective of it's standing. everybody gets a salary for their work- so the tip concept is not digested. I also discourage others from tipping- and all those stories about pizza boy's paycheck being cut and 'x' amount being 'understood' as a tip from a waiter's salary is all bull crap. none of that ever happens.

But today on Diwali Day i just left some money for the waiter--coz i felt guilty. here goes why.

04am- waking up,
05:30- loud mouth n child mom pick me up
06:25- we are at Mahalaxmi Mandir, post the pooja we decide to have breakfast before heading to Babulnath.
07: 45- after driving thru charni road, marine lines, girgaum, chira bazaar (hunting for good maharshtrian restaurants... later only open restaurants ; we end up at liberty cinema and irate loudmouth (Kamat hadnt opened for the day) decided to settle for an ordinary udpi joint.

The food was good in the b'bay south Indian authenticity, as we waited LM was commenting on a big-size couple having breafast after their walk- that ticked me off coz i didnt think their size was his business and they were a cute happy couple.
---------The waiter assigned to our table had just woken up (visible eye bags, red eyes n constant yawning) forgot the coffee we ordered with the rest. Loud mouth was so rude to the him that i was seriously annoyed-- n like wise pulled him up for his dearth of manners in public, with a loud- "Whats ur problem in life, man; can't u be nice to people? Child mom found it hilarious but i was pissed enough to kerb her smile (or we would burst out laughing and the effect would be lost, as usual). We ate huge amounts with Loudmouth insisting to order the second round on my behalf and insisting that i share (this has happened twice and i don't like it!)

the waiter heard him quietly over the sambar and varied idli preparations that weren't available at 8 am, took back my 'sugary coffee' and got me another one- all in absolute silence, he didn't mumble or make a face (maybe he was too tired or sleep working to register all this) that made me feel bad for him- like i feel bad for the traffic police; with the kind of jobs these guys have - satisfaction must mean -not being abused.

hence the tip- for all the unwanted/undeserved humiliation he suffers at the hands of a customer- some of who behave as if they own the place and the person is their personal slave.

i am hoping that more people behave with kindness towards the call center employees, traffic police and the waiters in restaurants.

testing, testing...

I am being challenged and I am smiling. This does not happen often: it is not everyday that my faith put to test (apart from the seat in the train compartment and the auto rickshaw). I lost my most loved and valued Amishi clutch (similar to the above one but in black and without diamonds of course) on a crowded street in Borivali. The problem is that it's one of a kind and super expensive; even though it looks simple (by the price standards)... all that is pointless- i loved it and very much!
-----------I misplaced it, searched for it but did not find it- however i have faith that it will come back to me. In fact that was my first statement when mom panicked- “someone will find it and call me and return it.” and i had no doubts about that. it sprang form the belief - treat others the way u want to be treated- I know i would return if i found a wallet of a person... i would call and meet and receive thank you. I know many people who would do the same.
---------All that apart, I love it too much for anyone else to have it! It is on its way and is coming back to me.... period.

Sunshine

In ways this one is a tribute to Sunshine. I have appreciated her for everything that she holds- the strength of a man, the integrity of a woman, the independence and spirit of an androgene.

Her smile makes her my sunshine- and there are billions of stories to be told which won't pass through my lips, even if i want to tell the world, so that they have a chance to applause her.

She makes be believe in what I believe (I desire therefore I deserve.. just one of my beliefs) even when the world stands either mocking or aghast-- Sunshine is just like that, her faith in everything best, is my strength. Every time i meet her i am like a sponge sucking-in every ray of light she exudes, her voice, the rhythm our talk, the confidence boost and all that laugh with multiple cups of coffee.

She has lately become my secret inspiration to seeking everything- including focus (i know, that's so cool!) and there this is no difference between what i need and what i desire.

If solitude can turn to Sunshine then it is possible for me to have everything my way all the time. Remember I desire therefore i deserve!

Vogue to you, too!

I would ideally open with an apology for trashing the 'indi-vogue' but this time i will yell out from roof tops "I LOVE VOGUE". Much better. the Nov issue is mesmerising, educating, enthralling, addictive, archive-worthy.
This conde nast's pride- Vogue in India- a complete fulfilling satisfying issue: every detail has been taken care of- I collect Vogue shops and this one is worth laminating! My fav. choo, dior , ferregamo, Hermes are well documented. Waiting for a detail on lagerfeld (that man can be kissed for centuries for his contribution to perfection in fashion) and Donatella's madness and juvenile outrageous fluff- fendi is boring me now. On the photo shoot front ; Roversi like Helmut Newton is one of my favourite 'clicker'. Just wished Deepika was styled better... but I like the hue-look (prepares me for sawariya).

Right now, on deadlines but a deatiled review will follow.

Boy Watching

I am smirking since day before yesterday: I can't wipe it off my face and people around me find it very amusing. Why? Remember, my clock is ticking? So momzie dearest decides to set her darling up for matrimony- boy watching is happening, emails sending photos, inviting for chats etc...

One thing that I have observed in all this matrimonial madness, is that the boy is always handsome, smart and successful- like most are on Orkut - Mirror cracking materials (lol) pun intended.

Initially, I thought it would torture me to see boy pics on the net, select them after horoscopes have been matched, there will be stigma attached blah blah blah... but this is fun. In fact the poor boys have become a part of the 'poke fun' hour- the bait in the game.loudmouth, momzie and I get to analyse the boys from his- pic, resume, to his orkut profile... we sound bitchy sometimes but mostly hilarious! She tells me of her 'marriage days' and the kind of boys she met etc... it's crazy funny and we all end up talking into the midnight.

Loudmouth is particularly nasty to NRI boys with high paying jobs, car, place of his own all in the middle of a desert! Why didn't they mention that as well?” Childmom said something equally funny about a boy from Mumbai, with sarcastic sense of humour, into some jargon filled job, with keen interest in multiple extra-curricular activities! And so on, then there are the ones she likes- nice parents, better looking boy, good family, education, a particular city, hobbies etc...

Yesterday, I was amusing monkey baby by barking at her and making funny animal sounds - which is a common 'i am excited and in a funny mood' behaviour. Spectator to the madness of my noise and hers, Momzie stood in the doorway and said-- “I will just pray that ur Mr. Perfect is either blind to ur madness, enjoys it, or is equally mad!” I jumped to answer -Inshallah!

Life for a single girl parading herself for the marital business doesn't seem that bad either... :~))

P.S I want to share the details with Monarch but he refuses to pick up calls (even from his mom!) and i am so worried n pissed. My birthday is a week away and my 'to-do' list is not ready, but my 'gifts to myself' are in full form (:~D) moreover, they are perfectly appreciated by the Quilt dwellers! I am so kicked to turn a quarter of a century old!