This Bullshit Called Love

While chatting to Wasabi today, I felt a need to defend my belief in love. And for the weirdest reason I did. Later in the day, I spoke to Torch and she went on a trip telling me about the 'reality behind looovvve'. I am a pragmatic but suddenly the disbelief made me want to reiterate - and as I did, she shot back vehemently, " Love talk coming from someone who hasn't fallen seriously in love or found true love?! K you are such a sham! Why don't you fill those feather shoes you advocate so much?"

We were short of laughing at my predicament and before pinning the final bubble on the bubble wrap of my love life, she claimed - "What is this bullshit called love anyway? Get into a bed darling, its about time you did - that's where all the love is!" Apart from her 'successful one-night-stand' jokes; Torch follows super mart love, that comes with a 'definite expiry date'. "Who has the time? And I get all the action I need". She bought Pepper to dissolve her need for a companion - "Just two women. We are so in harmony, we even bleed on the same date!" I like to see the way this girl and her bitch bond - almost like soul mates. But in the colored corner of my mind; I want her to be with someone.

How can one disillusion a disillusioned lover? Why when a spell broken can not be worked back? Here's to Wasabi and Torch:

Love what do I do with you?
Sometimes you are just a leftover morsel from the alphabet.
Sometimes you are more intense than the word eternity.
Sometimes a synonym to hate.
Sometimes the drabness of an overused wash cloth.
Sometimes you are the space that fills I and You
and at times you become a distance between Us and Them.

Your multiple forms confuse me -
the wild wind,
the cruel mirage
the glass mannequin
Cold droplets of rain
the black speck in a brown eye
the caramel on a stale pie

My dear how can i tell the world
that you are the hope of a blind eye
the warmth in a comforting curve
the strength in a finger
the passion of a hungry claw
the silence in surrender
the dust on a forgotten Urn

How my friend can I contradict
that you are the knock on a deaf man's door
that you are the power trapped in a diamond
that you are the blood spilled in a miscarriage
that you are the cyst in a cheated woman's eye
that you are a tourist walking dreamily in the

abandoned lanes of human habitat
that loftiness in poesy is courtesy you.

How do I glean these leftover paradoxes to make a collage?

How can I make people fall in love with you, love?

- Child mom said something very sweet :) (a bear hug is on your way), after my blabber on losing hope in love - "Love my darling is quietly placing a comforter over the sleeping shadow. And K, chill, you have brought a million comforters for us - he will take care of yours!"

Inshallah!

Calling Home

I move out.
Walk into the wild
Run away from confrontation.
--- I call myself brave.

I move out.
Avoid pain
Avoid blame
--- Call myself independent.

I move out.
Live with my partner
Share life, refuse marriage
--- I call myself nonconformist.

My home
Is not a house
Is not a place

It is an abstraction
A space within
Where basic variations survive.

I move out.
Of constrictions
Into contradictions
Into language known and foreign

--- I move into life.

Beat him, bite him, Beat him!

To,

My dearest Monarch,

I wish i could beat the daylights out of you.
for now - its the verbal arrows- Enjoy

You coward
U stinking arsehole!
scoundrel,
gutter bug
pot lid
monkey's flea
moss on whiskers
the cats cataract eye
my hideous hideous snake

My dearest friend
My empty closet
hatefully u stare at the screen -
Silently feeling bad for yourself
Silently deriving pleasure from my burning nerves
"let the bitch bark -
i am too hurt to reply -
she bite me hard
- she gave me rabies
my parched throat
like a sore wound
is attacked by words
that can't find a way out
My feelings that were out on display for so long
Have fostered fungi now.
And they are sick of those knowing ignoring eyes."

You turn away
that is the best you can do.
Sitting in the other corner of the world -

I stick my tongue out and call u -
"Come back and I shall bite you to death.
Come back my dearest friend - let me scathe your wounds
Don't die in pennies -
Let me butcher you a ton to many."

And you snicker and turn away -
My parched rabid friend.

Lets bury the hatchet, baby.
- in your body, that is.

Hmmm...Isn't this chase-from-death-by-water, a bliss?! :)
I love you so much, i cant come to measure it~!

Books can go off the hook!

Enlightened got me a couple of Audio-books, to get a hang of them. I was a little skeptical about listening and not reading. [(Just seems very awkward when i say it in my head, 'i am listening to Frankenstein, or Huckleberry Finn or Great Expectations'. Like BlindSlease would say 'I was in a movie when u called', he being born blind often got 'pardon me? And the smart ass that he is, would proudly say 'i am blind, not deaf!') I know this digression was not worth making, but its the 'stream-of-consciousness' hangover, or disassociate writing or some such jargon shit]

E got me thinking when he remarked, “K, like u judge people by the books they read, i judge them by the music they listen to.” i generally don't do that - at least openly but when i think of it - i really consider a whole bunch of my acquaintances moronic coz they don't read or appreciate the stuff that i think they should have have read backwards with ease. It struck me then, 'learning and wisdom' have nothing much to do with reading. In an age of multi-media, a book seems archaic. Loudmouth and Childmom would disagree, as they mock people who don't like to read.

I remember most of the books i've read; however, what i remember most vividly is how i felt when i read them, or a certain character that made want something more than i had. A love story that i wish was a part of my life, a battle that i had bravely won, i even wanted to be the footman who foretold the disaster before it struck.

I wanted to be Shakespeare's fool!

Books were my way of moving into a world that was mine, without competition, without examination or teachers and reading has always been treated as a 'good habit' so i don't think i was discouraged. The flip side was that i lost myself in them - i could feel the hurt and the joys for a long time after i had finished the book. I cried buckets when old father time hung himself i can never forget that line 'because we were too many'. Books can take you into depression, can bring you hope, make you smart and feel great!

However, this is true of movies, music, sitcoms (remember Wonder Years? Potli Baba Ki? Chandrakanta? Sex and the City? Heroes? Star wars?), games (Badminton, Lagori, Cricket, Cycling with your hand spread out like wings? Monopoly, Cards, Life, Scrabble?) as well. We learn from so many things, travelling for some is a world-wise experience, the road a great teacher like the sea and the etc... books are not the be all and end all of gyaan! I was also lost in them, I would believe that a prince, princess, wenches, dukes, dark ladies, princely states, married tortured women, reveng stories, orgasms, hatered, mindless love, kingdom wars... in fact I still do! I haven't come out of that world, it's too deeply ingrained in me to dissolve or wash away. Black pearl use to say “literature often fucks-up more people than it straightens them out.” I agree, but in tow with the attraction theory, most lit freaks are emotionally fucked anyways!

Monkey baby, twit, anorexia personified are growing up - i think being the eldest i will encourage them to venture out and find their means of acquiring information and knowledge.

Random Impressions of past moments

Its been a wild time since Enlightened came in, i have discovered certain truths about myself - some that i already knew and some that weren't so apparent. Like the drama king, he makes these one-line comments that hit you straight in the third eye. With Drama king, they are unintentional but Enlightened uses them at the right moment and with the right force. There was a flash when i almost jaw dropped as to how could this guy figure things out with such clarity of truth? I am super amazed. As he flew out today morning - he left me too many things to cherish. the madness, the impulse, the wisdom, the music (Bjork, tool, smiths) and half a dozen audiobooks.

Black Pearl smsed me on Fri night - i was amidst a work event and by the time i checked my phone i realised it was an 'upset head's' love message. Knowing him - i was sure he was either miserable, drunk angry or suicidal. So i called, messaged and called again - say like 30 times! I was worried sick and praying that he doesn't do anything foolish. Sat morn i get a call - “hey babes, whats wrong with you?” i wanted to crawl through the phone lines and smack him to death. (That moment i didn't regret the amount i used to beat him up.) He so deserved it - i spent the night thinking absolute rubbish, i was frantic and cursed myself for erasing his home number. I was on the verge of breaking down into tears; and our man put his phone on silent and dozed off - after writing an SMS that would make every sane person(who knew him) worry hell over.

The early morning conversation was similar to the one we used to have when we were together, the same babble - he teasing me over my fantastic- inclined mind and me cursing him to no end for straining my nerves. We were so over and so happy - and that moment i knew the ultimate answer to the question raised by zillion people. Why did you break up? Because it was the best thing to do.

Mush (the otherwise gentleman, who i have unfairly been accused of turning into a beastly disaster) emailed a one liner on Sunday “I still love you bitch, what are you going to do about that?” I replied, “Nothing”. There were a million things I'd say but i was too exhausted from the last night's drama - i didn't need this. I didn't need two exes telling me how much they love me from continents away. And with Mush, i was done away with six years ago.

Today i receive another email from him, “Tamburlaine can burn the city for Zenocrate, but he can't heal the stab wound, can he? How should you escape with 'nothing', my little soul thief?”

I haven't replied, i wont. Its time for silence to takeover. (ps. I hate his gall, his intellect, this counter-questioning and his hands.) I am deeply grateful that we live in a postmorden world that stresses on women's emancipation.

Mother-in-law (MIL) is back in India for a vacation, she called last evening and i was almost out of breath, confirming whether it was really her. So now am dying to meet her. There is so much to listen to, so much to tell. I am waiting to hug her, and tell her that she was missed. Her gaalis were missed. Today shall be the day!

Saturday - Glossy Saturday

Apart from all the good stuff in Goa - the temporary joy dampener was an official call that really put me off for a long while and on the landing day in Mumbai - the delayed flight was such a stress raiser. However, i observed, when you are traveling with an infant, the airport authorities and co-passengers are super nice to u, in turn you garner a lot of (wanted/unwanted) attention.

Beach boy called and I was inches away from telling him that i felt like smooching the cuteness out of him - men can be so funny, vulnerable and naive at the same time that sometimes its impossible to not love them. This was one such moment.

Being back at home felt like i had returned after a month long vacation or so. But being back to office, it was a little annoying - apart from the natural frowns and work mess- ups; I had to remind everyone that i had taken a three day leave! Three days felt like eternity to them, also because there was a lot of work and maybe a worst time to escape it. Demeter was a darling throughout. After multiple panic attacks, and SMS exchanges - the poor thing had my heart going out to her. By the 3rd evening - i felt like shit for not being there, as mountains crashed on her. Neway, i prayed for only good to come out of this extended mess. Actually I am still praying.

Now that lip tuck had landed, i was sure we were going to have hell of a time - but it was Rubbish. Thought Saturday would be a big day with too many plans and things to work on. I traveled to the other end of the city only to realise the lady in question was a dimwit! After two hours, i knew i was wasting my time and nothing fruitful would come of the same. After my cordial plastic goodbye, Lip tuck called and amidst my dying phone I promised to meet him. I was pre-running how our meeting was going to turn out (with “I am-so-happy-to-see-you” hugs and chats and fun things). However he turned in a hour late - making me wait for two hours flat. In the middle of all this I was making n receiving calls from Androgyny and Parrot beak on the sat night plans. When he entered the cafe, he was like a smelling sea, an escaped marine animal or something. The last minute work on the ship had gotten him in trouble, i had waited long, so another hour of catching up would be nice.

Nope, i was wrong - we didn't have much to talk, i yapped about checking out guys and he did about the girls he saw and the fact that nothing clicked. I know that Lip tuck is an average joe, but it still quizzed me how could he be so average about the goals of his life? He remarked that he would be married by 30! Ya, sure whatever. How can u say that the perfect person will arrive at 30? He quizzed me, why not? And I like a volcano burst out - i didn't want to marry these dull Brahmin' NRI's, what was I going to do with their penthouses and money? Eat it? Sleep with it? Hold them and cry when I am low? What is the point of a marriage when, the couple is not in touch with the needs of his/her partner?

I think I intimidated him - I do that to a lot of people, I guess. They find it funny to listen to my values in matrimony, and mockingly they say, “dream on girl, dream on!” Whatever. I have resolved to never marry an idiot. Period.

I rushed back home to pick up Enlightened and went half way through town clubbing. We met Androgyny and his queen pins (Enlightened dosent consider androgyny as one - he retorted "u have to be blind not to see such an open display of sexuality". I still refuse to accept that he maybe right.), had fun and thats all there was to say. Drama King was supposed to join us but he couldn't. Before we entered this Parmeshewar Godrej designed pub (Squeeze), Enlightened rolled his rocket ears.

I was feeling funny and happy at the same time. It remind me of a Nazi joke... (what do u call a Jew with a gas cylinder on his back? An addict!) we weren't Jews but can't say we were far away from becoming them. The crowd was decent and we were dancing in juvenile circles near the bar - no, I didn't mind it but never the less it felt childish. Drama King dedicated this famous song “beautiful girl, u make me suicidal” for me; it was super cute and so charming. :) All in all, we entered, had fun and left within a good deadline.

p.s I couldn't help but observe that a guy adjoining us was gyrating his crotch in a petite looking twit with stilettos. I found it amusing n ugly at the same time.

Day after euphoria- Garden Eden.

Enlighten calls Goa “the Garden Eden- and imagine how close it must be to hell!” Well, I affirm! We were so busy being happy, high and satiated that we forgot to take pictures. We have a couple of snaps but most of the time the entire jingbang was busy swimming in the sea to turn to the camera. Although i regret not having photo-memories I have many moments that are frozen in my long term memory.

I love the sea- i guess its needless to reiterate but I do love it so much! E n I with our vitriolic tongues burst bubbles of everyone who was 'playing in the sea'; which dimwit does that? We saw many frogs that were playing in shallow waters. E n I , also Chameleon (only once though) swam deep waters. Swimming in the sea is probably the best experience to have (after floating in the sea). I really wish the Wise capitalist liked the sea as much as we did - but the control freak that she is, it would be impossible. She loves the pool though- actually she is like a hippo in the pool. But the sea has a beauty of its own, at candolim, arambol and kolva - the sea was wild. Arambol probably subdued but the evening sea is to watch out for!

When E n I swam at Kolva we could feel the force of the sea, the setting sun helped the waves to engulf us and the seabed beneath our feet slipped away, the waves started to rise higher and as Chameleon fought them, he almost drowned. For a second, he thought this was it - the end was here. That is a lesson, when the waves want to fuck u - you should surrender. The second u surrender to nature- be it a jungle trail, water (even a pool when, you are learning to swim), or in the air - when u are not in control - surrender and nature will take care of u. E n I dived in as the waves rose, and when i couldn't swim the current, i simply floated- the waves brought me to the shore. Forget the fact that it was the far end and i had to alternatively walk n swim back to our resort.

That was day 2 of the 2008. A fantastic evening that began with swimming in the sea and ended with tequila shots, poetry, E playing guitar, dark horse singing and chameleon doing a holy drama - he is loving , funny and incorrigibly belligerent .

The euphoria called Goa!

Spending the yearly transition in Goa was a much awaited act. And now with my newly acquired tan - a very satisfying one as well! Chameleon, Wise capitalist, Monkey Baby, Enlightened, Bimbo, Dark horse and Moi, had a blast (in the truest sense of the word). :))

The D'day 31st DEC was spent chilling with umpteen number of goof-ups. We headed for Candolim after breakfast and Chameleon being in his holiday mood forgot to carry our bags. So we were out of clothes, standing on the beach like thirsty rabid dogs. But then man-made saviour called shopping saved us. My bikini, singlet, shorts, all of it was shopped in a blink. However Monkey baby fell sick with some infection that led to a rash, making her extremely irritated and ferocious. However, we could bear all frustration courtesy the chilled villa by the sea. The private pool was my favorite feature. As the city started to rock by late evening, we were a little down on our energies, for one we were still having dinner by 11 pm. Reaching the pub would swallow the stroke of midnight; and if that were to happen, I would be super disappointed. Also for certain I didn't want to dance my head off. I wanted to just be and have some crazy romantic time by myself. So as I ducked out, Enlightened and Wise-cap did the same. The rest went on a long head-banging party at this hip place called Butter.

Enlightened (E) made the best time of everything we had- primarily coz he was by himself and super organised (completely independent and ready to get into the gear at the word go!). Somewhere around 11:45, we started to roll, smoke and talk - its a must mention that E and I have the best, intelligent and the most fruitful conversations I have had with a man in years! We spoke of all the impulse driven acts that we want to do and suddenly in the midst of euphoria, we became so sensitive to everything around us. Be it the breeze, smell of the warm sea, the edge of the portico we were sitting on- I could feel my breath and the best of all - my body, the tingling sensation on the tip of my fingers, the smoke leaving my lips sensitising the nerves around my mouth, the instant release of desires; be it eating chocolate or strawberry and the awareness that the moment was now, here and with E by my side. 30 seconds later i was swimming in the pool, 5 minutes later I was wishing Happy New Year! It was everything I wanted to do, it was on my wish list: midnight, me and a brilliant blue pool to myself. I was swimming laps after laps under a crescent moon with a mind and body that never felt more alive! Floating in the temporality of infinite joy!
Welcome 2008- I know u are going to be terrific.

Mourning and Peace

Today is 28th December 2007, this date is important because yesterday was very important. Benazir Bhutto President of Peoples Party of Pakistan was assassinated. 27th also marks a date amongst my numerous epiphanies. Death when forced leads to abridged karma. One must complete the cycle of karma- and learn the lessons carefully chalked out. Hence 'thou shall not kill'. As fate had it, I accidentally chose The Motorcycle Diaries to be the next book to be read; the urge was inexplicable till, I came home to know the death of Bhutto. I start to read today.

I was yes shocked, like the rest of the world when, I heard of the assassination- it was just like the world was going mad. So much hatred, greed and anger will reap just this- but is it worth the cause?

Androgene wrote that she was amongst the grossly corrupt and the million rest that we have heard, read and written before. But wont letting her live and reap the pain she has sowed be a worse punishment? why hasten?

Everybody seems to be losing their balance and in-turn the one of their society. how can hate survive without infinite love? How can chains strengthen unless we are immersed in freedom? How can you respect tears if you can't see a sunshine smile? I want to know how? One doesn't exist without the other and eventually the former is destined to dissolve into the latter. Its the way it has been and will be. Is it rocket science to understand something so simple?

Hallucination or lesson?

Since i started my morning yogic breathing, i am observing a detox, however yesterday i ate a vegan sub (not that impure) after my bickering with the wise capitalist. And today morn as i was in mediation, i saw a scary black dog walking towards me- he was large and pitch black, his eyes glistening and for some reason he was angry, very very angry. He walked to me and bit my fore and middle finger that were spread-out on my lap. He bit me with so much force that i was shocked and as a reflex i snatched my hand form his jaw. My eyes were wide open and searching this dog. It took my 30 seconds to get out of that state of shock and realise that i was in my bedroom and on my bed. Something was there- i could sense it. What the fuck had just happened! I had no clue but it was a jerk - like the dog was angry because i was not at peace with myself anymore or something like that.

That bite hasn't gone out of my head- it meant something, i have to find out. Or be patient till it comes to me.

ps. heres the myth of the black dog!