The Other Within Us: Women

I am obssessed with this plural. Mine is often a love-hate relationship. I applaud at the intensity of courage and craziness that women display. Squirm, frown and scowl at the core of their characters. The paradox is sometimes just too contradictory to fathom.

Women in general are fickle and unpredictable - they are more farcical than most male comedians ever born. Although, I want to refrain myself from 'generalizing' the gender, I am rendered helpless. And here, because it is my space - I am liberally forgiving myself for making sweeping generalizations. My closest friends are men, only because I can not trust women, only because I know them too well, only because if I were in their shoes - I would bite the other person raw.

Still, (paradoxically) every woman in my life has a special place, her wit, beauty, arrogance, courage, surrender and love has taught me more about living than 25 years of my living. They are the kindest and the coldest - and are best at being both. However they are very unreliable, especially when it comes to the men they love. Their sense of achievement, their pride, their values - everything can be tossed out of the window with the blow dryer. Time and again, close friends, siblings, acquaintances behave and react in ways that would make me doubt their level of common sense (forget intelligence).

I can now firmly conclude (after enduring women bosses and HODs) that women can not handle power - every time they raised to the position of responsibility and power - they became tyrannical. They fret and exploit and get more insecure, apart from the emotional part - professionally they take up too much responsibility to prove their mettle. Never heard of biting more than you can chew? Ahhaan, that does not mean that they will not complete the task, they will - even if it means tearing their hair and everyone else's!

Incidentally all world's evils are rooted in mothers - they teach a whole lot of drab shit to their kids, including yours and mine. The lessons may seem wise and right to us especially now, but gradually when you see yourself as a decimal in the cosmos - you know it's an abysmal pot hole that you will have to fill.

At a recent ashram visit- I met this global philosopher who was enjoying being treated as a god man. He is talking of Karma and that everything happens for the good. Amidst the questions, an old lady comes to him and says

Old Lady : "I have spent all my life behind my child, I taught him everything, cared for him, loved him more than myself. Today he left me at this Ashram's main gate to spend the rest of my sick old age."

Philosopher (a little enraged, stares at her and questions) : "Whose fault is it?"

Old Lady (with tears in her eyes) : "My son's of course, what kind of question is that?"

Philosopher : No, It is you. Didn't you always tell him to have everything for himself? Did you not forbid him from sharing anything of his with fellow students and colleagues, be it a silly school lunch box or a toy, his poor troubled friends or his study notes or his work. You, for years and years over taught him to exclude everything - now he has excluded you. He has done what he was taught.

The lady went hysterical, and so did the crowd. I have no clue, nor did she as to how he knew about it but that is not important. The fact remains that mothers' do this and a whole lot more. The moment I thought of this - I had a list of parents who had, have and would say it to their children. So many times my mom has asked me to 'have it all', don't give, don't trust - silly goose!

I do not know if it is the right way - the Wise Capitalist believes it to be so. I am as usual caught in constant conflict.

Revision

The couple of months have been quite a tutorial. So many things in my life were revised, so many ideals thrown in the bin - so many new rules...
Then of course there are the ones that I always practice but was never really so kicked about them. Now I seem to be prepared, patience and persistence are quite the golden rules for me to follow. I am reassured in faith, in karma and the fantastic pragmatic belief of paradoxes, cosmos and tit-for-tat! Interestingly, I get calls from friends or a silly update in the otherwise insignificant Horoscope or a random one-liner appear like post-its and sign-posts.

People somehow never mattered to me as much as I have made it out to be - but it's not them that is what I realise now - it's me! We all look for bits and pieces of ourselves in people and the ones around me are the temples of everything behind my fence.

I have also discovered silence, the peaceful silence, the anticipating 'yes or no' silence, the gnawing 'pick-up and talk to me' silence, the military unyielding silence, the insecure silence, the practiced 'I will say nothing' silence, the never silence, the 'maintain space' silence, the warm hug 'crazy friends' silence and the understanding silence. Silence also in ways makes me feel a better human being than the others who talk too much. Also I have recently learnt that you can hold more with distance and silence than you can with anything else!

Also the power of desire and letting go is by far the best thing that has happened to my fractured and protected mind. All of this is come from the cosmos of thoughts and people around me - the ones that make me insecure, jealous, fragile, very sad, the ones that make me laugh and very happy!

Tryst

Now this post may seem absolutely random, and maybe it is.

I have discovered that the urge to be free is most paramount in man, followed by the urge to make history (power, immortality). However, the uncertainty of what lies behind the change dictates this leap. It may bring fortune or misery, and thus sometimes it's better to patiently serve in Heaven than rule in Hell. And more often than not, our preparation and our attitude to the change dictates the course of fortune.

Time is often right when the mind is prepared, and when the time is right the word on the scrabble board spells itself.

I await that moment.

flood in a papercup

Writing about rains in B'bay is the most hackneyed thing to do-

But every monsoon is different and yet so uncannily similar to the one I enjoyed almost a decade ago. I at 25, after a darned mundane day at work, stepped out in my shorts to enjoy the 1st showers, like i did when I was 7. I love rains in b'bay - (that apart I love B'bay). Everyone cribs about everything - the puddles of water, the delayed and cancelled trains, the endless lines of traffic, the open man-holes, the water-clogging and when there is water every where, there is not a drop dripping from your home tap.

Nonetheless, never mind the muck, the tempers and the disgruntle sighs ... b'bay looks most beautiful in the rains, like the heavens have given it a bath, scrubbed it clean lovingly and like a reluctant child the shoreline fights back the stones... SEA is what most people miss when they move-out of B'bay.. and it is also amongst the things that I often miss - samosas, chai and cigarettes on the worli/ marine/ nariman/ carters sea scapes or when in a special mood and a loaded wallet - guzzling down a bottle of red wine, listening to poetry, watching vendor-kids bargain for bright rainbow stripped umbrellas.

Or simply walking down ... be it Ruparel, Podar, Xaviers, University campus, NCPA back lanes, Ballard Pier, BPT gardens, Lions gate, Mahim Mougal Lane, Vasai village road, Mazgaon Docks, Nariman point promenade or mount Mary road ... or national Park.... every place is beyond beautiful.

I remember every soaked, cold shivering walk, remember sitting hungry in the only cafe open at 6 am - the coffee never tasted better, stale keema pao was bliss and the stares just never mattered... I miss those memories, of wet cats and odd trips, of cozy hugs and warm, soft, lingering fragrances....

B'bay is a state of the heart rather than a city - and in the rains it's just filled with love, lots of passionate volatile love.

Emails conspired

There is so much to write, so much to tell, so much to read, however I am stuck in a phase - a phase of doing the wrongest things - being in a wrong mindset, wearing the wrong set of clothes, saying wrong things, and worst of all reading the wrongest book at this point in time!

Here is something that transpired between the Monk and I last evening. He too is familiarising himself with the emotion called 'being frustrated with oneself' - I for an unwanted and not understood reason excel at pissing myself off.

All that apart - this conversation was what I call interesting!

MONK: Sometimes we take things for a given, while others don't ...Please do check this forum link discussing the fundamentals - http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=55334

K:
do you know ?

- the best in the world will tell you that all reality is actually factional - it's like a gossip whose meat is little and the masala more.

- the concept of time is as genuine as your last night's fantasy

- history eventually echoes mythology

- the world works in circles - we discover, comprehend, modify, absolve and turn around to discover it all over again (with the same enthusiasm).

- most things are arbitrary. like calling your comp - comp, or yourself human.

-there is no logic to human communication - example: if 'x' can be y, z, and q in three different languages, and cultures (mahsa - in Marathi is a fish, in Turkish is the moon) (the moon in English is feminine, in Hindi masculine) - then you can call it anything you like - mahsa means lover, and moon is a mirror. The world around you was created from imagination and fantasy, creating your own will only add to it.

- you can walk into a different life and walk out of it - at this very minute, if you want to.

- all action is destined and modified every second - we live in parallel realities of ourselves, we call them opportunity. when you move from one to the other, the story line stops there and another starts at that very minute.

- you encounter the same kind of people everywhere - and by the way, there are no people in this world, only thought processes. Brutus and was suffocated every day by Cesar's tyranny. history is his-story, and who will be the demon and hero depends on where 'his' loyalties lie.

- that brings us to the myth of 'objectivism' - of truth, love, and beauty.

- there is nothing like past and future, before and after, it is a figment of your imagination. Everything is in the 'present' - for the present is eternal.

If you buy all the above then I think you may buy this one as well -
- I am not as silly, as I seem.

MONK: Every ones perception of reality and fantasy is a compilation of experiences, circumstances and instances that has eventually led the mind to conjure a particular set of preferences that it feels is comfortable existing in. Perceived images of others are drawn from conclusions based on projected circumstances and reactions, which are often misinterpreted, sometimes by choice and sometimes by mistakes. Whatever perception or assumed perception you might have of me is not entirely true, for I unfortunately have moulded my projections, reactions and communication on a myriad of influences that have affected me.

These influences have been strong- direct and subliminal, evoking a mixed and confused reality and imagery suitably projected. I in my reality exist (not live) in a world entirely not my own and alien to my core, a belief that is inconsequential to my daily effects. Abandoned and lost for long I have secluded to a space that I often find both suffocating and safe.Constantly periled by contradictions, I am often torn between the various identities that are a vivid and real part of my Psyche.It was tried by a few to de-link these earlier, but all failed for I refused to given in.Hurt and lonesome I did not allow anyone to come hither.Although I seek to resolve my torn world, the vagaries of my life disallow any such move.This is probably more than I have ever confided in any.It may sound like the incessant babble of a child, but it is the cry of a lost soul.
You may laugh or you may cry, but this is I....

K: I wish you could have a little more faith. what I wish even more is that he could have a different life, different eyes and a different soul.

Cat(atonia)

there are cat people and dog people. essentially a cat woman will not like a dog woman. that is not because they do not respect qualities attributed to the dog, but they are wise to know that the cat is immortal and almost divine. She dances between the heavens and the hells, she is also godly- and godless at the same time- almost schizophrenic. I am one of those.

Unlike the belief that cats are self-centered, place worshippers, cats have an essential strength of character. they often mark the people they wish to be loyal to - unlike the dog who will wag his tail at a stranger - the cat tests waters before slurping, a dog will just slurp! Cats are epitomes of hygiene, a dog will chase a butterfly around the muddy garden after you've given him a bath. Also dogs defy logic - they will jump out of the window when they know they do not fall on their paws, they chase cats, hens and other random animals for no apparent reason - to beat that - they chase vehicles, when they cant bite into the steel or the man inside the car! The smaller the dog the more idiotic he/she is - once I saw a one foot pom bark at our neighbours 4 feet tall and incredibly fat German Shepherd, one wack with the paw and the pom would be history.

Also dogs can never conduct themselves gracefully in public. A cat on the other hand teaches you the subtler lessons of attitude, silence, distance, self-esteem and charm. Cat lovers eventually grow-up to become reliant and caring but never dependant, whereas Dog lovers remain like dogs - a little wonky in the head. The last one I met dressed his dog in a cowboy style- with a cap, scarf, shirt and shoes, another one had to rush home coz his dog would not eat without him. I gladly said 'scurry ho...'
---
an old incident

'Once I had a cat,
fair, lean with Topaz for eyes, spoke her mind with every sway of her tail.
Had pledge her place in our home. On the television top- was for her night's sleep, the varanda swing was for afternoon siesta. one could dare not occupy her chair, the brave hearted who did- have her marks to prove their valor. She loathed ignorance and stupidity
- "OH what a pretty cat" - her look at the guest would remark, "What did you expect, Ugly duckling, a mirror of you?" She abhorred disrespect, and once while asleep upon the TV set with the match running.
the sound of cheer infuriated her, she got off her abode, snarled, and clawed - that was her end in my father's house. He picked her up by the neck and swung her off the balcony in the courtyard - we never saw her again neither did another cat walk into our house.
---

By her brush you and you shall live, by her snarl you shall repent, the wise have learnt and so shall you, never call a dare, for the one is with a magic paw!

In conversation ...

.... I will agree to that - similar feeling that I hype everything, when it actually is just a passing phase; too much involvement into other things, people, thoughts, etc.



...darling - it ain't kming - never ask a journo her source - its sacred
i will be dammed
understand
:(

.... I wish I'd live life like the way I wanted to often! *SIGH* neway, I had a good time, that's just what I called to say!

.... Why can't you be like the rest, look at them - they have children, you have nothing! NOTHING!

.... I have to go, it's a need - I can't take it any longer, I have to go!

...this country sucks, its people suck, the family sucks, my job sucks, b'bay is so freaking hot - it sucks. KD, I suck! HELP

.... Man, so many realizations in so little time, I tell you none of them are nice; but I am just happy that I have them! now I know my direction...

.... C - it's breaking me
K- don't tell me
C - you know, i didn't want to hear it, i didn't take up the topic. She said it.
K- you should have told her 'Thank you, but I do not wish to know. I have no interest."
C -how can I say that, it is rude.
K- letting it gnaw on your mind is rude and making me listen to it when you know it will affect me equally is 'cruel'. you should stop this.
C- sorry, but I cant keep it in mind. It will burst, I had to say....
K -Not to me, god dammit - I don't want to know, it fucks my mind.
(K slams the phone. C sends an apology. )

...I had a dream that a lizard bite my big toe. 'Ewww, why of all things, a lizard'. How would I know.

An Evening ...

I refused, pondered, made calls and decided to go to the Loquations almost after six months (or more). I missed the lady and the reading - above all I missed the memories - NCPA memories, sunken garden memories, Monaco memories, crowded memories, flirtatious memories, memories that carried a beacon assuring there was more to life, Baudelaire memories, Jim Morrison memories, my feet on wet cold grass memories, Fat cat on broad steps memories, Q memories, Tenzin memories, old woman with onyx, sapphire and penthouse without an heir memories, memories of sane men succumbing to depression, losing sight, losing wives - and finding refuge in arguing over other dead people.

My teeth are sunk too deep in this addiction... I leave, drift apart and return to feel these random ones - like the evening at Leopold's with half of me stepped over with two others and half of me left behind with three young faces.

The knowledge of now has often been the knowledge of what I had, and what I can have.

Getting Over Hurdle

Purple Pain
Hot Rain
Empty Cuddle
Boiling Despair
Parched Aspiration
Flickering Dream
Hateful Haste
Doubting Shadow
Steatopygic vacuum

Silent Smile
Reining Surrender
Sitting Quiet
Building Search
Garnering Warmth
Ceasing Despotism
Dusting Knees
Holding Breath
Counting Back-ups
Steatopygic Faith

Literary Quotient dictating your life ?

It subconsciously does mine. Proust, Rand, Chekhov, Pushkin, Bronte, Kafka, Milton, Cope, Eliot, both the Wolf and Woolf (not to forget Albee) and Pound and Neruda and Shelley, Rousseau, Ginsberg, Wells, Plath, Achebe, Anatrajanam, Shidhwa, Greenberg and Pope and -

I don't expect anyone to quote or anything - but please say - say you have heard of them, if not read them!

For that matter, hows art? Picasso (I haven't found one person who could tell me why he liked Picasso's cubism except for saying “what kind of a question is that?'or why they like Raza's work - and its needless to mention the Cubits haven't really heard of Braque.And are unsure if Raza is alive or dead.), Rembrandt, Gabriel Rossetti... Please say that you know that Art for Art's sake lead to progressive modernism and we are very grateful to the Romantics who sowed seeds to the quote 'form follows function'.

Monk, Drama King, Loud mouth, Talkathon, Childmom and I - can't stand people who are not in touch with fiction or art (no matter how useless it maybe). Talk about Tanjore Paintings or Carvings or architecture and most look at you as if you were born on a shiny disc - there was a time when I was giving - up on the monk - till he spoke of Konark and I knew he had hope!

However that does not dictate our friendship. On one of our salad dinners - I asked monk the same and he cringed - 'YES! You are with me here coz you have some intellect! Coz you read! I have tastes - and like a woman who appreciates Steve Martin.' So you can't really be his partner if you read pop-fiction of Sidney Sheldon - That second, I wished aloud that this literary snoot falls for a girl who reads Mills and Boon or Sweetville!
And he was on the verge of ducking my head in the salad bowl! Those are his scariest nightmares - a woman who doesn't read sense.

I would agree to all the above [(though not to this extreme) Mushy's three musketeers in literature were Camus, Sartre and Kafka ( His highness is not married and has no relationship] - coz a partner who doesn't read or like movies is a problem area for me - and what I hated the most about Black pearl and I was that - in spite of never being asked to 'not do - or go to', I just stopped going to movies at Y.B and got slower with reading - he has my books and no matter how many books (or of what kind) i bought him - he did not read them. The last book he read was - an Arseholes guide to chicks - REALLY, what future can anyone have?

However - Talkothon and her Darling (yes, he is quite a darling!) get along fine (till date) - and he is the biggest ignorant literary or artistic fool she has ever met! He doesn't know anything about anything - it is that silly! She on the other hand can rip apart a scholar in East African literature - and our man has no clue - that there exist an East Africa! I rolled out with laughter and was completely astonished but she quickly replied - 'I know the world through the books - he knows it through the streets!' you know he hasn't read a single book - including his text books - and i am in love with him! Even as I assuaged her - I was laughing at fate and how 'love' just happens -regardless of one literary preferences!

But can you live forever with someone who disturbs you when you read or wants you to fast forward a silent movie you are watching? I get annoyed when I am reading an interesting twist and someone wants me to get up and get going about cleaning the room or do something equally senseless.

However, it doesn't annoy me when people don't know the things I know - I mean it's okay - you don't need to know everything (i don't know shit about most things either) or share all my tastes - just respect them! For example - my fetish for Greek mythology - if Black Pearl didn't know - we sat with a story telling session.

That is also something that is gravely wrong with Wise Capitalist and Chameleon - they are uninterested in everything that is remotely related to books, planet or painting. (their knowledge of geography like childmom's is howlarious. ask them to name the 5 oceans and they will say - Arabian sea, bay of Bengal and Indian ocean)! Seriously, no jokes. They often frown and discourage everyone around them who are keen on reading, visiting an art gallery or talking about (off-beat) movies - that is unacceptable and irritating!

Empathising with them - they get crazy bored when people just sit and read when ideally they should be spending time with them - making the friendly bonds stronger! However this also proves that if one does not know things about art, culture or ideology - it really doesn't matter that much!

Although it would be nice to have a partner know things - resting your relationship on the same is being very lame.