In a circus called life,
I am not the ring master,
Nor am I the clown.
I am the trapeze artist
Who falls into the net
When the lights are down.
Showing posts with label banter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label banter. Show all posts
Dec 22, 2008
Jun 17, 2008
Revision
The couple of months have been quite a tutorial. So many things in my life were revised, so many ideals thrown in the bin - so many new rules...
Then of course there are the ones that I always practice but was never really so kicked about them. Now I seem to be prepared, patience and persistence are quite the golden rules for me to follow. I am reassured in faith, in karma and the fantastic pragmatic belief of paradoxes, cosmos and tit-for-tat! Interestingly, I get calls from friends or a silly update in the otherwise insignificant Horoscope or a random one-liner appear like post-its and sign-posts.
People somehow never mattered to me as much as I have made it out to be - but it's not them that is what I realise now - it's me! We all look for bits and pieces of ourselves in people and the ones around me are the temples of everything behind my fence.
Also the power of desire and letting go is by far the best thing that has happened to my fractured and protected mind. All of this is come from the cosmos of thoughts and people around me - the ones that make me insecure, jealous, fragile, very sad, the ones that make me laugh and very happy!
Then of course there are the ones that I always practice but was never really so kicked about them. Now I seem to be prepared, patience and persistence are quite the golden rules for me to follow. I am reassured in faith, in karma and the fantastic pragmatic belief of paradoxes, cosmos and tit-for-tat! Interestingly, I get calls from friends or a silly update in the otherwise insignificant Horoscope or a random one-liner appear like post-its and sign-posts.
People somehow never mattered to me as much as I have made it out to be - but it's not them that is what I realise now - it's me! We all look for bits and pieces of ourselves in people and the ones around me are the temples of everything behind my fence.
I have also discovered silence, the peaceful silence, the anticipating 'yes or no' silence, the gnawing 'pick-up and talk to me' silence, the military unyielding silence, the insecure silence, the practiced 'I will say nothing' silence, the never silence, the 'maintain space' silence, the warm hug 'crazy friends' silence and the understanding silence. Silence also in ways makes me feel a better human being than the others who talk too much. Also I have recently learnt that you can hold more with distance and silence than you can with anything else!
Also the power of desire and letting go is by far the best thing that has happened to my fractured and protected mind. All of this is come from the cosmos of thoughts and people around me - the ones that make me insecure, jealous, fragile, very sad, the ones that make me laugh and very happy!
Jun 9, 2008
flood in a papercup
Writing about rains in B'bay is the most hackneyed thing to do-But every monsoon is different and yet so uncannily similar to the one I enjoyed almost a decade ago. I at 25, after a darned mundane day at work, stepped out in my shorts to enjoy the 1st showers, like i did when I was 7. I love rains in b'bay - (that apart I love B'bay). Everyone cribs about everything - the puddles of water, the delayed and cancelled trains, the endless lines of traffic, the open man-holes, the water-clogging and when there is water every where, there is not a drop dripping from your home tap.
Nonetheless, never mind the muck, the tempers and the disgruntle sighs ... b'bay looks most beautiful in the rains, like the heavens have given it a bath, scrubbed it clean lovingly and like a reluctant child the shoreline fights back the stones... SEA is what most people miss when they move-out of B'bay.. and it is also amongst the things that I often miss - samosas, chai and cigarettes on the worli/ marine/ nariman/ carters sea scapes or when in a special mood and a loaded wallet - guzzling down a bottle of red wine, listening to poetry, watching vendor-kids bargain for bright rainbow stripped umbrellas.
Or simply walking down ... be it Ruparel, Podar, Xaviers, University campus, NCPA back lanes, Ballard Pier, BPT gardens, Lions gate, Mahim Mougal Lane, Vasai village road, Mazgaon Docks, Nariman point promenade or mount Mary road ... or national Park.... every place is beyond beautiful.
I remember every soaked, cold shivering walk, remember sitting hungry in the only cafe open at 6 am - the coffee never tasted better, stale keema pao was bliss and the stares just never mattered... I miss those memories, of wet cats and odd trips, of cozy hugs and warm, soft, lingering fragrances....
B'bay is a state of the heart rather than a city - and in the rains it's just filled with love, lots of passionate volatile love.
May 22, 2008
Emails conspired
There is so much to write, so much to tell, so much to read, however I am stuck in a phase - a phase of doing the wrongest things - being in a wrong mindset, wearing the wrong set of clothes, saying wrong things, and worst of all reading the wrongest book at this point in time!
Here is something that transpired between the Monk and I last evening. He too is familiarising himself with the emotion called 'being frustrated with oneself' - I for an unwanted and not understood reason excel at pissing myself off.
All that apart - this conversation was what I call interesting!
MONK: Sometimes we take things for a given, while others don't ...Please do check this forum link discussing the fundamentals - http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=55334
K:
do you know ?
- the best in the world will tell you that all reality is actually factional - it's like a gossip whose meat is little and the masala more.
- the concept of time is as genuine as your last night's fantasy
- history eventually echoes mythology
- the world works in circles - we discover, comprehend, modify, absolve and turn around to discover it all over again (with the same enthusiasm).
- most things are arbitrary. like calling your comp - comp, or yourself human.
-there is no logic to human communication - example: if 'x' can be y, z, and q in three different languages, and cultures (mahsa - in Marathi is a fish, in Turkish is the moon) (the moon in English is feminine, in Hindi masculine) - then you can call it anything you like - mahsa means lover, and moon is a mirror. The world around you was created from imagination and fantasy, creating your own will only add to it.
- you can walk into a different life and walk out of it - at this very minute, if you want to.
- all action is destined and modified every second - we live in parallel realities of ourselves, we call them opportunity. when you move from one to the other, the story line stops there and another starts at that very minute.
- you encounter the same kind of people everywhere - and by the way, there are no people in this world, only thought processes. Brutus and was suffocated every day by Cesar's tyranny. history is his-story, and who will be the demon and hero depends on where 'his' loyalties lie.
- that brings us to the myth of 'objectivism' - of truth, love, and beauty.
- there is nothing like past and future, before and after, it is a figment of your imagination. Everything is in the 'present' - for the present is eternal.
If you buy all the above then I think you may buy this one as well -
- I am not as silly, as I seem.
MONK: Every ones perception of reality and fantasy is a compilation of experiences, circumstances and instances that has eventually led the mind to conjure a particular set of preferences that it feels is comfortable existing in. Perceived images of others are drawn from conclusions based
on projected circumstances and reactions, which are often misinterpreted, sometimes by choice and sometimes by mistakes. Whatever perception or assumed perception you might have of me is not entirely true, for I unfortunately have moulded my projections, reactions and communication on a myriad of influences that have affected me.
These influences have been strong- direct and subliminal, evoking a mixed and confused reality and imagery suitably projected. I in my reality exist (not live) in a world entirely not my own and alien to my core, a belief that is inconsequential to my daily effects. Abandoned and lost for long I have secluded to a space that I often find both suffocating and safe.Constantly periled by contradictions, I am often torn between the various identities that are a vivid and real part of my Psyche.It was tried by a few to de-link these earlier, but all failed for I refused to given in.Hurt and lonesome I did not allow anyone to come hither.Although I seek to resolve my torn world, the vagaries of my life disallow any such move.This is probably more than I have ever confided in any.It may sound like the incessant babble of a child, but it is the cry of a lost soul.
You may laugh or you may cry, but this is I....
K: I wish you could have a little more faith. what I wish even more is that he could have a different life, different eyes and a different soul.
Here is something that transpired between the Monk and I last evening. He too is familiarising himself with the emotion called 'being frustrated with oneself' - I for an unwanted and not understood reason excel at pissing myself off.
All that apart - this conversation was what I call interesting!
MONK: Sometimes we take things for a given, while others don't ...Please do check this forum link discussing the fundamentals - http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=55334
K:
do you know ?
- the best in the world will tell you that all reality is actually factional - it's like a gossip whose meat is little and the masala more.
- the concept of time is as genuine as your last night's fantasy
- history eventually echoes mythology
- the world works in circles - we discover, comprehend, modify, absolve and turn around to discover it all over again (with the same enthusiasm).
- most things are arbitrary. like calling your comp - comp, or yourself human.
-there is no logic to human communication - example: if 'x' can be y, z, and q in three different languages, and cultures (mahsa - in Marathi is a fish, in Turkish is the moon) (the moon in English is feminine, in Hindi masculine) - then you can call it anything you like - mahsa means lover, and moon is a mirror. The world around you was created from imagination and fantasy, creating your own will only add to it.
- you can walk into a different life and walk out of it - at this very minute, if you want to.
- all action is destined and modified every second - we live in parallel realities of ourselves, we call them opportunity. when you move from one to the other, the story line stops there and another starts at that very minute.
- you encounter the same kind of people everywhere - and by the way, there are no people in this world, only thought processes. Brutus and was suffocated every day by Cesar's tyranny. history is his-story, and who will be the demon and hero depends on where 'his' loyalties lie.
- that brings us to the myth of 'objectivism' - of truth, love, and beauty.
- there is nothing like past and future, before and after, it is a figment of your imagination. Everything is in the 'present' - for the present is eternal.
If you buy all the above then I think you may buy this one as well -
- I am not as silly, as I seem.
MONK: Every ones perception of reality and fantasy is a compilation of experiences, circumstances and instances that has eventually led the mind to conjure a particular set of preferences that it feels is comfortable existing in. Perceived images of others are drawn from conclusions based
on projected circumstances and reactions, which are often misinterpreted, sometimes by choice and sometimes by mistakes. Whatever perception or assumed perception you might have of me is not entirely true, for I unfortunately have moulded my projections, reactions and communication on a myriad of influences that have affected me.These influences have been strong- direct and subliminal, evoking a mixed and confused reality and imagery suitably projected. I in my reality exist (not live) in a world entirely not my own and alien to my core, a belief that is inconsequential to my daily effects. Abandoned and lost for long I have secluded to a space that I often find both suffocating and safe.Constantly periled by contradictions, I am often torn between the various identities that are a vivid and real part of my Psyche.It was tried by a few to de-link these earlier, but all failed for I refused to given in.Hurt and lonesome I did not allow anyone to come hither.Although I seek to resolve my torn world, the vagaries of my life disallow any such move.This is probably more than I have ever confided in any.It may sound like the incessant babble of a child, but it is the cry of a lost soul.
You may laugh or you may cry, but this is I....
K: I wish you could have a little more faith. what I wish even more is that he could have a different life, different eyes and a different soul.
Apr 14, 2008
In conversation ...
.... I will agree to that - similar feeling that I hype everything, when it actually is just a passing phase; too much involvement into other things, people, thoughts, etc.
...darling - it ain't kming - never ask a journo her source - its sacred
i will be dammed
understand
:(
.... I wish I'd live life like the way I wanted to often! *SIGH* neway, I had a good time, that's just what I called to say!
.... Why can't you be like the rest, look at them - they have children, you have nothing! NOTHING!
.... I have to go, it's a need - I can't take it any longer, I have to go!
...this country sucks, its people suck, the family sucks, my job sucks, b'bay is so freaking hot - it sucks. KD, I suck! HELP
.... Man, so many realizations in so little time, I tell you none of them are nice; but I am just happy that I have them! now I know my direction...
.... C - it's breaking me
K- don't tell me
C - you know, i didn't want to hear it, i didn't take up the topic. She said it.
K- you should have told her 'Thank you, but I do not wish to know. I have no interest."
C -how can I say that, it is rude.
K- letting it gnaw on your mind is rude and making me listen to it when you know it will affect me equally is 'cruel'. you should stop this.
C- sorry, but I cant keep it in mind. It will burst, I had to say....
K -Not to me, god dammit - I don't want to know, it fucks my mind.
(K slams the phone. C sends an apology. )
...I had a dream that a lizard bite my big toe. 'Ewww, why of all things, a lizard'. How would I know.
...darling - it ain't kming - never ask a journo her source - its sacred
i will be dammed
understand
:(
.... I wish I'd live life like the way I wanted to often! *SIGH* neway, I had a good time, that's just what I called to say!
.... Why can't you be like the rest, look at them - they have children, you have nothing! NOTHING!
.... I have to go, it's a need - I can't take it any longer, I have to go!
...this country sucks, its people suck, the family sucks, my job sucks, b'bay is so freaking hot - it sucks. KD, I suck! HELP
.... Man, so many realizations in so little time, I tell you none of them are nice; but I am just happy that I have them! now I know my direction...
.... C - it's breaking me
K- don't tell me
C - you know, i didn't want to hear it, i didn't take up the topic. She said it.
K- you should have told her 'Thank you, but I do not wish to know. I have no interest."
C -how can I say that, it is rude.
K- letting it gnaw on your mind is rude and making me listen to it when you know it will affect me equally is 'cruel'. you should stop this.
C- sorry, but I cant keep it in mind. It will burst, I had to say....
K -Not to me, god dammit - I don't want to know, it fucks my mind.
(K slams the phone. C sends an apology. )
...I had a dream that a lizard bite my big toe. 'Ewww, why of all things, a lizard'. How would I know.
Mar 27, 2008
My Greek God!
I have never ogled at a man, and I am very proud of the same! It adds certain dignity to a woman and some inadequacy to a man.
Although I have helplessly fallen in love with men for what they do - be it writing, photography, painting, theory, money, architecture or politics. They weren't good looking men, or if they were, I didn't notice - it was an added ' ya, okay, whatever', the physicality never seemed to matter.
Today, something happened, my dearest vengeful god very loving pushed me off my snooty edge, my Master Craftsman for the month, with whom I have been conversing with for weeks - send me his image and I froze -
Today, something happened, my dearest vengeful god very loving pushed me off my snooty edge, my Master Craftsman for the month, with whom I have been conversing with for weeks - send me his image and I froze -
I found my Greek God (Mars himself), my crazy romantic Heathcliff hero, my lion with golden mane! I could hold his hand and elope if he asked me to... ( Yes, I feel that way right now! yes yes, too much of blabber, very lame and we both know, I will never date someone who looked or dressed like that...)
Mar 25, 2008
Mar 20, 2008
Conflict
The author of this blog is most upset with herself, for feeling the feelings that she doesn't feel she should feel.
The author of this blog is also feeling very fortunate (as usual) for been given the opportunity to read everything that precipitates positive and irreversible change in her thought process.
A new lesson to be followed : "I think that when in doubt about the truth of an issue, it's safer and in better taste to select the least numerous of adversaries ..."
- Kira Argunova
Mar 19, 2008
Gone Missing ....
I increasingly feel the vacuum of some things, here's a list of some that have re-surfaced to be quenched.
1) Jai Sandwich (grilled with masala aloo and whole capsicum), will be had with Arey Lassi! (in fact I should write a post on this genius)
2) University... just want to walk around with old times re-playing in my head.
3) DSP at Walk-In - the best dahi sev puri on this globe (our man serves it chilled!)
4) Juices at Paras - I miss all those papayas, strawberry's, muskmelons, .... just miss them. They will be had - with an embarrassed smile.
5) Hugging, I miss it in general , but what I miss the most are Black Pearl's warmest, tightest, longest bear hugs! The man is blessed with the ability to hug with unconditional (almost spiritual love) that can mend a fractured mind (god. please bless him!)
6) Meeting Drama King for Irani Breakfast, Good luck is a place to be, with meal to have and then walk up the mount Mary steps to pray and kid around!
7) Swim, a long satisfying swim - it should happen this week, hopefully!
8) Listening to Sunshine sing 'Your body is a wonderland' : it's amongst the most soulful songs I have heard - especially coz the way she sings it. Meeting her is another bit that I crave for incessantly.
9) Slide below an acrid pompous skin, seek and slide out swiftly. I don't know when it shall happen, but I know it will.
10) Have that thoughtful Nirvana- like walk with the dawn's halo rising in the hills behind my home. These long aimless walks by myself, make me most happy.
Yup, for now this is it...
1) Jai Sandwich (grilled with masala aloo and whole capsicum), will be had with Arey Lassi! (in fact I should write a post on this genius)
2) University... just want to walk around with old times re-playing in my head.
3) DSP at Walk-In - the best dahi sev puri on this globe (our man serves it chilled!)
4) Juices at Paras - I miss all those papayas, strawberry's, muskmelons, .... just miss them. They will be had - with an embarrassed smile.
5) Hugging, I miss it in general , but what I miss the most are Black Pearl's warmest, tightest, longest bear hugs! The man is blessed with the ability to hug with unconditional (almost spiritual love) that can mend a fractured mind (god. please bless him!)
6) Meeting Drama King for Irani Breakfast, Good luck is a place to be, with meal to have and then walk up the mount Mary steps to pray and kid around!
7) Swim, a long satisfying swim - it should happen this week, hopefully!
8) Listening to Sunshine sing 'Your body is a wonderland' : it's amongst the most soulful songs I have heard - especially coz the way she sings it. Meeting her is another bit that I crave for incessantly.
9) Slide below an acrid pompous skin, seek and slide out swiftly. I don't know when it shall happen, but I know it will.
10) Have that thoughtful Nirvana- like walk with the dawn's halo rising in the hills behind my home. These long aimless walks by myself, make me most happy.
Yup, for now this is it...
Nov 12, 2007
Series of dissapointments
Starting with not being able to write about Vogue, searching for the right words to describe each piece, feels unnaturally difficult... so does writing for CPC, but i want to be 1000% right with CPC- i have to be flawless and there is no other way it will be!
My beloved clutch is probably travelling in a slow train and therefore taking so long to come back to mommy. I miss you baby. In my agony i forgot that there were enough valuables in there- jeweller's bill, hard cash, my Id and quarterly, my driving licence (not that i drive), my business card, debit cards, my imp numbers diary, my pin number, stash of my passport size photos.... all of that will have to replenished.... clutchy baby come back now!
The train journey was very good, I was determined to have a place to sit and i got one instantly- for a change i was stared at by a chic looking funny woman (she was dressed in light green corporate top, brown checked khadi feeling semi-formal trousers, witch-point, short heel purple sued with satin bow shoes and a big rectangular beige Birkin bag. I was finishing my chanting (she stared at me as i do at women listening to ipod bhajans) and then pulled out my Everyone Worth Knowing copy, the mocking smile on her face clearly called me 'pseudo, hypocritical and shallow' too bad coz i think i am none of those. i almost wanted to explain but i looked up and my left eyebrow twitched out of habit and her smile faded... NO i didn't like the scene. Went back to reading and didn't realise when she got off the train.
Had to write a long letter to Style Icon- i promised him and didn't write (i am ashamed).
Had to collect my solitaire (my birthday gift to myself) but am behaving lackadaisical, dependant and for some reason unsure. I want it, its mine and it brings me infinite joy!
Saw OSO, Sawariyan and Jonny Gaddar and all of them were silly, floppy and total turn offs. They were such a big let down- so many hours of nonsense from intelligent people. Worse, the Rj's aren't being honest - film critics Taran Adarsh and Mayank Shekhar minced words only because the banners are too big. SAY THAT THE FILMS ARE TRASH!
Blatantly lied n bunked dinner on Sunday nigh, coz i am unhappy with the wise capitalist and myself. I said things that i shouldn't have to child mom and for some reason i think WC knows- sure she is pissed and not showing it. So i bunked her dinner party- i didn't want to feed myself and don't like the restaurant she does and am not really fond of the people she invited, esp old idiot. I also made snide remarks at night when Loud mouth gave me full dope on who, what, how, when. I don't like anything about myself when i am in the 'pussy me' mood.
Monday morn, i find out that my DnG face-cover dark glasses r broken at the rim. It felt like a stab, i shrieked, tore my hair and gave multiple bad words in my head before i smiled and mockingly said Perfect, before putting them back. No clue how they cracked (the case is big, sturdy and they never come out of it). Luckily only the frame is damaged, so there go my hard earned thousands (haven't preserved the bill).
Walked into office and realised stuff is undone, have to edit my own article and no clue what to crop.
My HR sent thought for the day- "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."- Mary Engelbreit. Yes, it is helping me recover, but what really gave me the confidence was Diana's tagline - LIFE WANTS ME!-- what a wonderful thing to say!
Wallah! Mawha, mawha, mawha!
Oct 1, 2007
Zip the Lip
Girl, shut up! That’s what we badly need to do. Women talk too much. We fuss, scrutinise, justify, belabour. We need to abandon our monkey (gorilla to be specific) lineage- we have to stop picking ticks from our beloved’s hair; just to show we care! I think we are irritating the opposite sex.
We are the destructive ones: we love, attempt to change them, distance them from their parents, get rid of their friends (it’s a women’s right to dislike her man’s friends). We spend half of our life in changing everything and spend the rest half complaining that we couldn’t change a thing.
I am furious at myself, for doing all of this; again and again and again.
I thought it was me, till I read three blogs leading the same way. Single or married—women drive men away; this could be a potential reason for romance to die out of relationships. For wise capitalist and her husband to sleep in opposite directions and unconsciously kick him in the nose. Hmmm…
I agree men are weird, listen to this:
Scene: Watching Sex and the city, Season 5
“Chameleon: (Grin) Women! They never say what they really feel when the man is around. The second he is gone, they realise how much they love him.
Moi: Hmmm, Yes: u are right; but isn’t that true of men as well.
Chameleon: With the man; he’s never really sure of what he feels! (LOL)”
(I think chameleon thinks from his crotch)
Is that true? Maybe; generalizing, women coo and pick too much: ‘yellow shirt, green trousers? don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t eat on the bed, don’t twiddle your thumbs, wear socks in your sneakers, change the bed sheet, clean the damm room, put the toilet seat back… place the cover. Don’t drink so much; don’t smoke so many, read that book- ps. return it too. Why can’t your hair stay? Why are you so possessive about your hair? Don’t tap your foot, shave; shave your armpits as well. There is nothing wrong in the above: it’s called grooming an animal called man.
The underlining whys and don’ts sound like a ringmaster and remind me of the sad Miss Mary Don’t. If there is so much to change, why do we want the species in the 1st place? Sometimes, I think we are masochists, knit pickers and it’s our destructive ‘handmaid’ way of showing a constructive feelings of 'care'!
We are weird and maybe if we shut up and let go, we may just let the men live longer than us.
We are the destructive ones: we love, attempt to change them, distance them from their parents, get rid of their friends (it’s a women’s right to dislike her man’s friends). We spend half of our life in changing everything and spend the rest half complaining that we couldn’t change a thing.
I am furious at myself, for doing all of this; again and again and again.
I thought it was me, till I read three blogs leading the same way. Single or married—women drive men away; this could be a potential reason for romance to die out of relationships. For wise capitalist and her husband to sleep in opposite directions and unconsciously kick him in the nose. Hmmm…
I agree men are weird, listen to this:
Scene: Watching Sex and the city, Season 5
“Chameleon: (Grin) Women! They never say what they really feel when the man is around. The second he is gone, they realise how much they love him.
Moi: Hmmm, Yes: u are right; but isn’t that true of men as well.
Chameleon: With the man; he’s never really sure of what he feels! (LOL)”
(I think chameleon thinks from his crotch)
Is that true? Maybe; generalizing, women coo and pick too much: ‘yellow shirt, green trousers? don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t eat on the bed, don’t twiddle your thumbs, wear socks in your sneakers, change the bed sheet, clean the damm room, put the toilet seat back… place the cover. Don’t drink so much; don’t smoke so many, read that book- ps. return it too. Why can’t your hair stay? Why are you so possessive about your hair? Don’t tap your foot, shave; shave your armpits as well. There is nothing wrong in the above: it’s called grooming an animal called man.
The underlining whys and don’ts sound like a ringmaster and remind me of the sad Miss Mary Don’t. If there is so much to change, why do we want the species in the 1st place? Sometimes, I think we are masochists, knit pickers and it’s our destructive ‘handmaid’ way of showing a constructive feelings of 'care'!
We are weird and maybe if we shut up and let go, we may just let the men live longer than us.
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