Can we never be blank?

Emotion across the world has just one enemy:
the eyes.
defiant deceitful and disloyal.

Love and I have never been friends.

Some like it  nice, some like it toasted, some like it pretty. Some like to whisper, some like to own, some like to caress, some like to gnaw; me being me like it pure and like it raw.

Why not? I'm asking, why not?

People should celebrate a single woman's madness. 
Just the way they glorify the superficiality of a marriage posed in pictures or the emotional poverty of a successful man.

Men are dumb. Women are dreamy

It is an undisputed fact. Said by many, experienced by millions.

here some of it goes :

"Woman: Why didn't you do 'xyzee'? 
Man: I forgot.
Woman: How can you forget?
Man: Because I am dumb.
Woman: You have never forgotten to do 'abcee' ever, and you forgot the only thing i asked you to do! You are a very cunning, twisted man."

"Woman1: (sobbing) My life sucks.
Woman2: What? No. what happened?
Woman1: He popped the question.
Woman2: (screeches) WOW, Finally (now jumps all over the place) I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!
Woman1: No, it feels shitty. No ring, no candle light dinner, no music, no flowers, no romance, no getting down n his knees, no making me feel that the world has stopped. [no, it did feel that the world has stopped, and I'm doomed.] Is this too much to expect... what do i ask for anyway? (sobbing, profusely)
Woman2: Crappy, what a numb skull! He should have at least gotten a bottle of wine! Am so sorry babes, but look at the bright side... He finally had the balls to propose marriage to you! I know he's been rehearsing for a while.
Woman1: (sarcastic) Oh, ya, you know what he said?, 'So when can we have dinner with my parents?' He was rehearsing to say this, then seriously, I am the dumbest woman on this planet to fall in love with a guy with an EQ of -10! What am I going to tell my kids, when they ask, 'how did dad propose to you?, 'I'd say he said let's eat with your to-be-in-laws!' How unromantic and crappy and crass is that?
Woman2: Ya, but you know... we could make him re-do the whole thing!"


 

Thought

Can a woman’s lingerie give the same warmth as what it envelops does?  

The Plight of Mrs. Bennet

Parents, rather mothers are a kind that few really understand. The worse kinds are the Mrs. Bennets’ of the world. In the Indian scenario, to have your daughter married to the most right person within the parameters of your value system is their numero uno crises.

For someone who has been ‘put up on the marriage market’ and has a trillion reasons to either be turned down or to turn down; the deal is quite simple, walking away. Can Mrs. Bennet do that? Unfortunately, she can not. I have mocked at her just like everyone else. Called her a drama queen, a gold digger, a castist and more. It was in a brief moment today, when my phone sang that I realized how wrong I have been. No denying she is all of that but there is more to the obnoxious nonsense. It is sadness, paternal love, and insecurity. She lived through times and juggled between families, siblings, in-laws. She knew that love had little to do with life post marriage. However, she’d never been in love. 55 years. No love. There is care, of course, and there is need – and it is her only argument against love, when it comes to the ‘stickability’ of marriage. 

There was a resume, she liked for the status of a potential son-in-law. The horoscope matched to the T, the boy was from the supremely pious Brahmin family, tall, fair, handsome, lived in Uptown Bombay, and had a flourishing career as a doctor. The pluses were multiplied once she learned that he could sing; that he called at odd hours to sing to her daughter, and that he was seemingly in love with her. K being herself, restrained. She found the singing a bit annoying (one song is fine; six at a go, are not.) It was pestering to tell a man in his early thirties to hang up at 3am because she was in no mood to listen to a gazal or a Sufi story. His megalomania of his talents and credentials was driving her overboard. Initially it was funny that he addressed himself as a Dr. Soandso is calling you or Dr. Soandso will now sing a song for you. My dismissal was dismissed quite briskly, calling his irate behavior ‘romantic’. Likewise was my luncheon experience was dismissed too – “you are so sarcastic, so what he chose the restaurant you do not like? So what if he wanted to share your soup or coffee into ‘one-by-two’? So what if he does not use a perfume? So what if he ordered all by himself, maybe he is not used to a woman’s company? Burping is a natural phenomenon and so is farting. Maybe, he is unwell! So what if he made you walk till his patient’s house. Maybe he wanted more time with you! So what if he uses fowl language and has a perpetual cringe? Don’t knit pick. Men change after marriage, he will too. You could teach him all the table manners and personal etiquette! 

Once the parents met, the cardboard mantle collapsed. The Uptown house was a shanty. The garb was cheap smelly polyester. His parents, house and him sitting there (with a pot full of attitude) were below average and stank of miserliness. Mrs. Bennet dressed in her Kanjiveram, K in raw silk, and Loud mouth who decided to accompany us in order to provide a neutral unbiased judgment was dressed in linen.

Post the fiasco, btw my cackles and Loud mouth’s remarks, Mrs. Bennet’s silence turned to tears. She could not contain her desperation and her ‘shoving off’ of her beloved child into the arms of a crude, sloppy ape with manboobs. As we tried to cajole her, she uttered something that broke us evenly: 

“Mrs. Bennet: Why is it supposed to be so? Why could he have no manners? Why did his family need to be so crass? Why was his mother not dressed for the occasion? Is it imperative for a mother to be blind in order to find happiness for her child? How many things do I have to let go, to know that the potential son-in-law will take care of my baby daughter? How much do I need to feed into the families’ treasury and how much do I have to educate you and make you beautiful, in order for them to treat you like a princess and not a golden hen? K, as a mother, I am falling every minute; I’m failing to give you a husband who would be everything your father is and more. I’m failing to digest and let off of all petty things that I know will hurt you in future. When I see you, I see myself, at 28, I was running behind you, helping you strengthen your legs. How can I today send you off with a wobbly crutch? I’m failing, and I want you to forgive me for putting us through this.”

Black Pearl

We became strangers so familiar,
We'd politely nod at each other.

Converastions

People are indeed very different. Here's how I found it.

If i were mistakenly stuck in a freezer. what would I do to keep myself alive?

K: Find a way out, call for help, break into the hinges, etc...

Capricorn Rook: Run to keep his body from freezing.

Oyster Seeker: Masturbate

Kala Godha

A place at two time zones, can be scarily unfamiliar.

Evil Come Evil Go

There are multiple Beelzebub’s and ratched's in K life, but the Slithering Walrus has not really gotten off her head.

The time will come when retribution shall be satiated. Till then, the Scorpio lays in patience. A gift - like its foolish, courageous flight.

Journeys...

Pebble collector, in another blog post of hers, wrote something very quirky. It was about the journey that pebbles take to end-up at her window ledge. Similar to the journey some words take to end-up in a post, a blessay (blog essay), in the news paper or on one of the wrinkles on your brain. It's quite fascinating to think of this fantastic journey, and to realise that it's not the most well sounding, or textured, or eclectic word that finds itself in your notepad; its just the right one. The one that explained the soul of the sentence in the brevity of a word.

Man, Woman and the Shape of things.

In a recent article by Alex Blimes, and an editorial by Priya Tanna, both tom tom(ed) about women' obsession with their body's thin or thickness. K personally likes her voluptuous self - there are only passages in her silhouette that she'd like to nip and tuck. The clothes otherwise look stupid and the images look swollen.

Returning to Blimes and Tanna - 'fit' is better than 'fat', which is better than 'thin'. At the gym, men take to Narcissus, they stare, check-out, adore, pull-in their paunches and reflect on how they can beat that bulge. Women, on the other hand, are removed from the flashing mirrors, in the oblivion of the nooks, sweating silently, not wanting their lard to jiggle in public view, as they push themselves to run for that another minute.

K is unsure if men are less conscious of their shape than women. She knows for a fact that they appreciate themselves a little more than women - but that again is a sweeping generalization.

On a similar note, the pendulum is now swinging to celebrating 'full-bodied' women. Twiggy, Moss, Jolie, Kapoor are suddenly not in vogue. Varushka, Bellucci and their likes are! It's the after effect of food consumerism. The linear movement of time demands that we now direct our vision to the clothes rack, skin firming lotions, Herbal life, Masters in Yoga and a cross-trainer.

Women blame men for their shape, men blame the mind of a woman. Emotional binges, pill poppers, hunger curbing chimneys or carrot chewing goats - all look for an affirmation that they are not sure they'd be happy with in the long run (if there is one).

Men' competition is not with other Alpha males, it's with Hercules. It's with the power to make a woman feel petite and another man a limp.

The obsession with shape was always there and it shall remain. Voluptuous/ curvaceous , hour glass, slim, athletic. We, humans, have a tendency to move in circles, in our heads and our evolution. Reading into things - Shape bespeaks a mental fantasy of a perfection, it is not necessarily the bearers', though, it would like to be. Its the new power over every thing that is yours.

K believes that the body, like the mind is a temple of sensuous enjoyment. It is there to be used, abused, loved, hated and lived-in, not with. Then whether it's the corset that's sculpting you or the surgeon's knife, the burnt webbed feet or the implanted steel scales. It's the shape that your mind wants to define its mood in.

Conclusions will be averted this time. Epicureans do not complain against Bacchus.

Atrophied Brain

or should I call it numb skull or silent degeneration of all intellectual faculties? I do not know. 'Unsure' seems to be my favorite word. It's not a word that I like - however, it is a 'safe' word. Just like the word 'slave or addict' - it's usage automatically shifts the burden of responsibility and after math on to the perpetrator.

Language seems bizarre to me now - it's a feeling that occurs from an excessive high or from passive nothingness.

On a different note, K had a decent discussion with Wasabi few days ago, related to ideology and politics. Capitalism definitely gets brownie points from both of them but an inflexible stand on the same somewhere pinches her. It's not mandatory to be like grass but is it not better to be open to ideas? And it seemed too demanding for the otherwise open - minded Wasabi. (For a very ridiculous reason K quoted Tom Ford while discussing character balance, stereotypes and prejudice complex with him.) However what K found incredibly juvenile, was Wasabi's interest in sexual experimentation, although he sounded pretty averse to the same - but a talk to that seemed to satisfy some part of his voyeur self.

Day 2, K received a scarp by Wasabi's friend on her 'thanking her god', and he promptly remarked that Richard Dwakins would be unhappy! People who've read his work have often confirmed themselves as atheists. K reverted that she was unable to bow down to some one's line of thought. She had finally found a way and words to appropriate her thoughts. K had silently stood by herself against propagators of Eliot's Individual talent and she would not bend to this ethologist's delusion of god.

What K realized in this entire dialogue was a certain amount of comfort that people seek in propagated ideas. Dichotomies can not exist claims Rand, K agrees with her. However, when you check your premise, you know that knowledge is not in 'this vs that' it's often in the existence of multiples. You choose your path only after that awareness.

Wasabi has chosen his, and K still lives with Dr. Faust's greed. Choosing, seems to bind her into intellectual loyalty whose destination is intellectual slavery.

For now, if wind, earth, fire, water can co-exist, then so can god, devil, Darwin's monkey and Dwakins!

bursting the seams

K suddenly feels FAT. Maybe because she is!

A SIMPLE TRUTH

A very surprising call from Sunshine, made the first half of K's day. After a bolstering 'Where the F* have you been - 7 months! It's been that long we met the last' Then went on the regular dribble about things, finally it came to Q n A -

S - "Heard you are in love?"
K - Naah, who told you?
S - Just felt so
K - You know am not sure, if it is love
S - (chuckle) Well, we are never too sure!
K - Once, just once in my life - I want to be confident of being in love!

Black Pearl (10.44 pm) - "Just to let you know, I remember you a lot of times. I guess, love never dies."
Oyster Seeker (7.33 am) - "Missing you badly shona. A big hug to the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Lots of Kisses, muaah!"

K is feeling just as MOLDY shit would feel!

Ps. If you are reading and if it is any solace - I loved you (BP) for the person you are and for the spirit you embody. I love you (OS), you are the best part of my today.

K missed Monarch, she would have hugged and cried and hugged some more - begging eternal forgiveness for just not 'feeling'.

There will always be certain regrets in life, no matter how careful you are.

Birthday wishes

To,
All the wise and hateful Librans in my life. I love you and envy you and detest you for having killed the joy of the extremes....

Nothing lasts forever - and its never too soon.

Let your balance be achieved and success be relished.

pudgy fingers, wise capitalist, monk with beads, metrosexual womanizer, thin tin...

HAPPYFUCKINGBIRTHDAYTOYOU! Mmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh :D

realization - reconciliation

It takes courage to pack your bags and leave never to be taken for granted again.
It also takes courage to step back and live it through, knowing every single day that you were capable of a different life - only you chose not to live it.

Yesterday, after a long conversation with the monk, I realized why Loudmouth had let go so many opportunities; for the same reason I had let go mine.
I do not think the monk is capable of doing that. He is lucky in ways and very unfortunate in many others.
Thank god for small mercies.

The Other Within Us: Women

I am obssessed with this plural. Mine is often a love-hate relationship. I applaud at the intensity of courage and craziness that women display. Squirm, frown and scowl at the core of their characters. The paradox is sometimes just too contradictory to fathom.

Women in general are fickle and unpredictable - they are more farcical than most male comedians ever born. Although, I want to refrain myself from 'generalizing' the gender, I am rendered helpless. And here, because it is my space - I am liberally forgiving myself for making sweeping generalizations. My closest friends are men, only because I can not trust women, only because I know them too well, only because if I were in their shoes - I would bite the other person raw.

Still, (paradoxically) every woman in my life has a special place, her wit, beauty, arrogance, courage, surrender and love has taught me more about living than 25 years of my living. They are the kindest and the coldest - and are best at being both. However they are very unreliable, especially when it comes to the men they love. Their sense of achievement, their pride, their values - everything can be tossed out of the window with the blow dryer. Time and again, close friends, siblings, acquaintances behave and react in ways that would make me doubt their level of common sense (forget intelligence).

I can now firmly conclude (after enduring women bosses and HODs) that women can not handle power - every time they raised to the position of responsibility and power - they became tyrannical. They fret and exploit and get more insecure, apart from the emotional part - professionally they take up too much responsibility to prove their mettle. Never heard of biting more than you can chew? Ahhaan, that does not mean that they will not complete the task, they will - even if it means tearing their hair and everyone else's!

Incidentally all world's evils are rooted in mothers - they teach a whole lot of drab shit to their kids, including yours and mine. The lessons may seem wise and right to us especially now, but gradually when you see yourself as a decimal in the cosmos - you know it's an abysmal pot hole that you will have to fill.

At a recent ashram visit- I met this global philosopher who was enjoying being treated as a god man. He is talking of Karma and that everything happens for the good. Amidst the questions, an old lady comes to him and says

Old Lady : "I have spent all my life behind my child, I taught him everything, cared for him, loved him more than myself. Today he left me at this Ashram's main gate to spend the rest of my sick old age."

Philosopher (a little enraged, stares at her and questions) : "Whose fault is it?"

Old Lady (with tears in her eyes) : "My son's of course, what kind of question is that?"

Philosopher : No, It is you. Didn't you always tell him to have everything for himself? Did you not forbid him from sharing anything of his with fellow students and colleagues, be it a silly school lunch box or a toy, his poor troubled friends or his study notes or his work. You, for years and years over taught him to exclude everything - now he has excluded you. He has done what he was taught.

The lady went hysterical, and so did the crowd. I have no clue, nor did she as to how he knew about it but that is not important. The fact remains that mothers' do this and a whole lot more. The moment I thought of this - I had a list of parents who had, have and would say it to their children. So many times my mom has asked me to 'have it all', don't give, don't trust - silly goose!

I do not know if it is the right way - the Wise Capitalist believes it to be so. I am as usual caught in constant conflict.

In conversation ...

.... I will agree to that - similar feeling that I hype everything, when it actually is just a passing phase; too much involvement into other things, people, thoughts, etc.



...darling - it ain't kming - never ask a journo her source - its sacred
i will be dammed
understand
:(

.... I wish I'd live life like the way I wanted to often! *SIGH* neway, I had a good time, that's just what I called to say!

.... Why can't you be like the rest, look at them - they have children, you have nothing! NOTHING!

.... I have to go, it's a need - I can't take it any longer, I have to go!

...this country sucks, its people suck, the family sucks, my job sucks, b'bay is so freaking hot - it sucks. KD, I suck! HELP

.... Man, so many realizations in so little time, I tell you none of them are nice; but I am just happy that I have them! now I know my direction...

.... C - it's breaking me
K- don't tell me
C - you know, i didn't want to hear it, i didn't take up the topic. She said it.
K- you should have told her 'Thank you, but I do not wish to know. I have no interest."
C -how can I say that, it is rude.
K- letting it gnaw on your mind is rude and making me listen to it when you know it will affect me equally is 'cruel'. you should stop this.
C- sorry, but I cant keep it in mind. It will burst, I had to say....
K -Not to me, god dammit - I don't want to know, it fucks my mind.
(K slams the phone. C sends an apology. )

...I had a dream that a lizard bite my big toe. 'Ewww, why of all things, a lizard'. How would I know.

The Long Shadow

There's something I would like to understand. I don't think anyone can explain it...there's your life. Now its over or not, doesn't make any difference to anyone, and it's not that they don't care;'its just that they don't know what it is to be you in your life'.