Marry me; Marry me; No, Marry me!

Five conversations and my I have found the reason of my fight/ flight from the M-word. 


04: 15pm over beer. 
A: You know, I would not really mind getting married to you. You are pretty okay.
K: (laughing, shell shocked), I know, Am way better than OKAY.
A: Well, you will still need a man. You should settle, now that I have given you an offer. No one wants to marry a 30-year-old woman. You know the cycle and rest of the problems of being an old mom.
K: Sure, But I do not want to marry someone who thinks that way. Then again you got to decide what is right for you.
A: You are so wrong all the time.

08:00pm over coffee
J: You know, I love you.
K: So say a dozen other men.
J: Seriously. How long are you going to play this carrot and donkey game?
K: What do you mean? You overestimate my wit.
J: Shut up. We all love you. and you treat us like options. toy with us when you are bored and then go find someone else to join your brood.
K: Awww.... you sound upset. You know I do not do that! How is it my fault if you are in love with me? Did I give any of you ideas that I was in love, or needed love?
J: (a sigh of resignation) It's not your fault. You have always been a tease and runaway...

10: 45pm over the phone
C: Am barely waking up with the sun, and the first thing I do is call you.
K: how sweet. so how does ur day look?
C: Hmmm.... lot of regular stuff.
K: Hmmmm... sounds interesting!
C: ya, how was ur day?
K: (goes on for 20 minutes about all the fun she had on a regular Wednesday and narrates anecdotes). Truly fun!
C: (cackling) you girls are mad. Minty was asking about you last night.
K:  ohhh yaa, how was the party?
C: Nothing much, we drank, played poker, chatted and head home.
K: Wowo, you have perfect conversational skills.
C: Ya, you like to talk. I like to listen. It'll work perfect for us after we get married.
K: Wowowowo.... Marriage? where did that come from?
C: Come on K, you know am the best guy around to marry you. either the better ones are married or there are ugly bastards like A, whom you'd never marry, even out of pity.
K: what makes u think you are not from A's category?
C: You indeed are a cruel woman.

Day two


07: 45am
( Fabulous is in town for Diwali. Her first in two years. A post on her will follow soon.)
Fabulous: Coffee or brunch?
K: Brunch. I need to talk.
Fabulous: About your writing?
K: No.
Fabulous:  Men is it, then.
K: (a sign and a drag... ) Yaaaa...
Fabulous: Why do you even bother yourself with these dick heads?
K: I am confused and I need solutions, not sermons.
Fabulous: Yayayayaya....

11:20 am over Brunch

After a long narration of the 'Marry me' saga. Fabulous in her contained frustration responds.
Fabulous: Let me list your faults with all the men in your life.
1)Your biggest fault is that you just treat men too well. - it's cardinal sin. that makes them think you are not generic nice but nice to 'them'.
2) You never insult a man. Insulating his ego; you proclaim that you are a cow!
3) You are generous and caring. Never spend so much time on a man. he will become a buddy if-and-when he has to. A man only understands gifts as sexual favors. Using a man in many other ways is most important.
4) You don't show a man his true place. soft cushioning makes them think they have better value than their actual price tag.

I have a glazed look, thinking of how my chain of life slipped since she left the country. How she had anchored it with high heels and kick arse attitude, of how everything disrespectful actually belonged in the trash can. She shakes me up, almost screaming, "Do you get me? Or have u become a retard, and need me to write it for you?"

In a sudden bout of emotion, I get up and hug her, whispering a 'thank you'. She dumps the fork in one hand (deciding against her wish to stab me) and says: 'I love you bitch. Remember who you are! You are not a settler, never have been one - and as long as I am alive; you will never be one.'

7:10pm In conversation with Mom. 
Mom: "Oyster seeker called to wish Diwali. The boy loves you and is still obsessed with the idea of marriage. He still calls me 'Ma saaheb'. Are you sure we should never think of him in 'that' way.' (the words 'your husband' are forbidden. the consequences dire.)
K: ( I wink and  peck her) Yesssss, MOM!
Mom: Did you like the Pilot boy?
K: No. He told me a lot of things I could not live with.
Mom: Is there Nothing good in a any man any more? Why won't you like anyone, beta?
K: Mom, I have become the man I wanted to marry; unfortunately, the men have become the women I'd never marry.

Emails conspired

There is so much to write, so much to tell, so much to read, however I am stuck in a phase - a phase of doing the wrongest things - being in a wrong mindset, wearing the wrong set of clothes, saying wrong things, and worst of all reading the wrongest book at this point in time!

Here is something that transpired between the Monk and I last evening. He too is familiarising himself with the emotion called 'being frustrated with oneself' - I for an unwanted and not understood reason excel at pissing myself off.

All that apart - this conversation was what I call interesting!

MONK: Sometimes we take things for a given, while others don't ...Please do check this forum link discussing the fundamentals - http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=55334

K:
do you know ?

- the best in the world will tell you that all reality is actually factional - it's like a gossip whose meat is little and the masala more.

- the concept of time is as genuine as your last night's fantasy

- history eventually echoes mythology

- the world works in circles - we discover, comprehend, modify, absolve and turn around to discover it all over again (with the same enthusiasm).

- most things are arbitrary. like calling your comp - comp, or yourself human.

-there is no logic to human communication - example: if 'x' can be y, z, and q in three different languages, and cultures (mahsa - in Marathi is a fish, in Turkish is the moon) (the moon in English is feminine, in Hindi masculine) - then you can call it anything you like - mahsa means lover, and moon is a mirror. The world around you was created from imagination and fantasy, creating your own will only add to it.

- you can walk into a different life and walk out of it - at this very minute, if you want to.

- all action is destined and modified every second - we live in parallel realities of ourselves, we call them opportunity. when you move from one to the other, the story line stops there and another starts at that very minute.

- you encounter the same kind of people everywhere - and by the way, there are no people in this world, only thought processes. Brutus and was suffocated every day by Cesar's tyranny. history is his-story, and who will be the demon and hero depends on where 'his' loyalties lie.

- that brings us to the myth of 'objectivism' - of truth, love, and beauty.

- there is nothing like past and future, before and after, it is a figment of your imagination. Everything is in the 'present' - for the present is eternal.

If you buy all the above then I think you may buy this one as well -
- I am not as silly, as I seem.

MONK: Every ones perception of reality and fantasy is a compilation of experiences, circumstances and instances that has eventually led the mind to conjure a particular set of preferences that it feels is comfortable existing in. Perceived images of others are drawn from conclusions based on projected circumstances and reactions, which are often misinterpreted, sometimes by choice and sometimes by mistakes. Whatever perception or assumed perception you might have of me is not entirely true, for I unfortunately have moulded my projections, reactions and communication on a myriad of influences that have affected me.

These influences have been strong- direct and subliminal, evoking a mixed and confused reality and imagery suitably projected. I in my reality exist (not live) in a world entirely not my own and alien to my core, a belief that is inconsequential to my daily effects. Abandoned and lost for long I have secluded to a space that I often find both suffocating and safe.Constantly periled by contradictions, I am often torn between the various identities that are a vivid and real part of my Psyche.It was tried by a few to de-link these earlier, but all failed for I refused to given in.Hurt and lonesome I did not allow anyone to come hither.Although I seek to resolve my torn world, the vagaries of my life disallow any such move.This is probably more than I have ever confided in any.It may sound like the incessant babble of a child, but it is the cry of a lost soul.
You may laugh or you may cry, but this is I....

K: I wish you could have a little more faith. what I wish even more is that he could have a different life, different eyes and a different soul.