Sometimes, I am incapable of feeling pain, I think I lost it somewhere in corridors my school.
Death
Death befuddles me - I can't never react to some one's death the way I am expected to. I think it is weird, very cold and unnatural. Cranky Hag died yesterday, 24 hours later, I am still searching for a feeling of remorse.
Apart from my sealed and distant behavior, what amazes me is the way people around me react to death. Their 'before-and-after' feelings about the same human being are almost MPD-like. Wisecap who has never approved of him was in a state of shock, Childmom couldn't speak for a while and Loudmouth went all out for the family (that was expected), however the most surprising reactions came from Chameleon - although he respected Cranky Hag, he remotely liked him. They all would frown when he called to say that he wanted to come join in - i remember, they would keep the receiver out coz he spoke for so long that it hurt their ears and he spoke non-stop trash. I have never found them saying anything genuine about that dead man. And now they are howling, beating their chest, losing their balance - over what and why?
I don't understand this - I never have. I didn't go visit, I don't like funerals, and consider them absolute waste. When I told Childmom about my 'lack- of- emotion', she clutched my hand - "dare not say a thing now or ever - for your own good. He's dead and you don't want to lose the people you love coz what you just said will never be taken without extreme judgement.” I wouldn't have said it, anyway. Nevertheless, the intense reaction and wide-eyed look got me.
I pondered over all the deaths in my family and realised that I hadn't cried on any of them - just didn't feel like it, coz they all had valid reasons to die, at whatever age they died.
Then I scraped through the things I have cried on - it was funny to know they were inanimate - like losing bunny's smile to a nasty kid, the books that were soaked at the end of my reading, the movies that I watched soaking Black Pearl's right sleeve. That's about it - no people in physicality involved - not even when Bulldozer lost her leg , nope. When I went to see her - absolutely everyone was crying, instead, we chatted about her footless future and ate chunks of almond chocolates.
Didn't feel sad when a pathetic loser was crawling on his knees behind me, crying - I didn't turn to look, or when a dear friend was sitting by my side - begging to be held and understood - I was laughing, I found her 'making a scene in public - crazy hilarious', she was over-reacting. I pass that bench every single day, sometimes I look at it and feel sad, and I know I was wrong to not feel her pain. I was plain cold and she couldn't believe I could be so - I sometimes can't , too.
It's a 'wrapped naked in barb wires feelings - everyone who sees you feels more pain than you are physically experiencing.'
Fidelity
This is just another notion that bites me: 'Torch and Beach boy slept with each other at the weekend party when I had a family-do to attend. I didn't know till last weekend when Torch rung up crying in the middle of the night, when I was on my way home, her guilt was suffocating her. I heard her out amongst the sobs and told her that I would call her up when I reached home. Reached, spoke to dad as he was waiting for me, and then went off to bed.
By morning I had 137 missed calls and 42 smses from both Torch and Beach boy - it was crazy - in precisely 7 hours they had spoken to each other and called me frantically. I couldn't fathom what must have transpired btw them. "Have you lost it?" was my first Q to both of them. Torch was crying uncontrollably and refused to buy that I had forgotten to call her.
It took me two days to tell her that I wasn't pissed, hurt or in pain of betrayal with their act. The two people I love - made love; just that. Who was I to judge or condemn, I have no right - and forget all that; I don't want to! They both haven't digested it, and it makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable to know that they want me to be angry with them.
Beach boy sent me a zillion things to tell me how much he loves me - Torch cursed herself and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't meet her - it saddened me to see her with bags below her eyes, swollen face, unwashed hair. I had to hold her, cradle her in full public view and keep telling her that I love her!
- I wanted to get up and tell the people around me, that the situation demands that we switch places. The cheat shall hold the cheated - not the other way around.
Sexual Fidelity - I don't think I believe in it - I am unhurt by her or his hurt. I felt bad but for a few mins - but was it worth wiping-out two important people from my life? Certainly not! I didn't think it was worth being pissed either. I have invested too much to let something so silly or temporal affect us. Apart from that, the amount of guilt they felt, was worse than any pain I could feel.
Though my stance and reactions made me 'the loving demi-goddess', the fact is that the what, when and why didn't matter to me. It is one of those 'I can't feel a thing' moments.
I would have reacted similarly to them murdering, lying or hurting someone... or so i think for now.
Mar 17, 2008
Mar 12, 2008
If I were
A close friend sent it and asked me to fwd it to all of my favorite people. Didn't know it would be such a thoughtful exercise!
If I were a beginning, I would be: " The floating board on blue waters, beneath a red moon
the dice rolled three ..."
If I were a tree, I would be: Banyan
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: bongo
If I were an animal, I would be: The white shark
If I were a sound, I would be: Thud or Phatak or Owwww
If I were a scent, I would be: Raat Rani or the White Lily
If I were a religion, I would be: peace
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Smile
If I were a subject in college, I would be: Philosophy
If I were a color, I would be: white
If I were a thing, I would be: Diamonds
If I were a book, I would be: Like water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel
If I were a monument, I would be: The Colossus of Rhodes
If I were an artist, I would be: A photographer / craftsman
If I were a collection of poems, I would be: The Four Quatrets- by Eliot
If I were an element, I would be: Water
If I were a Word, I would be: Phantasmagoria, Chutnefication
If I were a watch, I would be: Dead
If I were a theory, I would be: Re-construction or one of Iser's
If I were a cartoon, I would be: Hobbs from Calvin and Hobbs
If I were a technology, I would be: The mind-chip or the time machine
If I were a super hero, I would be : Superman
If I were a Shakespearean Character, I would be: the Fool from all his plays!
If I were alone, I would be: Free
If I were a beginning, I would be: " The floating board on blue waters, beneath a red moon
the dice rolled three ..."
If I were a tree, I would be: Banyan
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: bongo
If I were an animal, I would be: The white shark
If I were a sound, I would be: Thud or Phatak or Owwww
If I were a scent, I would be: Raat Rani or the White Lily
If I were a religion, I would be: peace
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Smile
If I were a subject in college, I would be: Philosophy
If I were a color, I would be: white
If I were a thing, I would be: Diamonds
If I were a book, I would be: Like water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel
If I were a monument, I would be: The Colossus of Rhodes
If I were an artist, I would be: A photographer / craftsman
If I were a collection of poems, I would be: The Four Quatrets- by Eliot
If I were an element, I would be: Water
If I were a Word, I would be: Phantasmagoria, Chutnefication
If I were a watch, I would be: Dead
If I were a theory, I would be: Re-construction or one of Iser's
If I were a cartoon, I would be: Hobbs from Calvin and Hobbs
If I were a technology, I would be: The mind-chip or the time machine
If I were a super hero, I would be : Superman
If I were a Shakespearean Character, I would be: the Fool from all his plays!
If I were alone, I would be: Free
Mar 8, 2008
Hmmm...to stay or leave?
Hmmmm.... my fav Enlighten called yesterday and I was more than thrilled that he did so! but something he said made me ponder - about this blog; child mom, torch, jawbreaker, moss (the other day ) told me about being personal in a public space. for some reason, me voicing my likings (which i know r a little off-beat) on this platform is not being appreciated. last time torch asked me why a 'certain some man' was mentioned here - "what does that prove?" nothing actually, i remarked, "yes but the name is there. get it off or get ur name off." or when on a particularly 'opinionated post' jaw-breaker warned, "dude, these places are pull-up zones, why do u want to voice here - sala problems ho sakte hai."
then the very clear Child mom spoke - " See, i love u, but i don't think you are on the same wavelength as most - i appreciate that u don't write ur mind 'carbon copied' (that would make the world throw a fit!) but i think u should shut this shop, u are too dammed people centered - and very obvious that too. People will not take it as 'oh, she feels this today - tomorrow she will grow from this too (yes, most don't follow the 'shedding-skin' philosophy) - No, they will say 'hey, she has this to say about me, or how can she feel this way?' they will question and then distance and they will not understand.' K do u understand?" the concern in her voice as almost boiling with care.
Yes, i do! i mean these are the people who encourage me to move away from my forged title to who i was - 'own up - chicken' is what the monk said (he still says so) but i think others have moved out and seen the wise side of not voicing yourself for the sake of a third party's attention and judgement. then again, how does a third party matter? And if my loved ones will not know the 'real' me who will? (whats with me and single quotation marks)
*long Sigh* i am thinking - they maybe right and i maybe wrong or is it vice verse?
Grrrr... i so don't like this!
then the very clear Child mom spoke - " See, i love u, but i don't think you are on the same wavelength as most - i appreciate that u don't write ur mind 'carbon copied' (that would make the world throw a fit!) but i think u should shut this shop, u are too dammed people centered - and very obvious that too. People will not take it as 'oh, she feels this today - tomorrow she will grow from this too (yes, most don't follow the 'shedding-skin' philosophy) - No, they will say 'hey, she has this to say about me, or how can she feel this way?' they will question and then distance and they will not understand.' K do u understand?" the concern in her voice as almost boiling with care.
Yes, i do! i mean these are the people who encourage me to move away from my forged title to who i was - 'own up - chicken' is what the monk said (he still says so) but i think others have moved out and seen the wise side of not voicing yourself for the sake of a third party's attention and judgement. then again, how does a third party matter? And if my loved ones will not know the 'real' me who will? (whats with me and single quotation marks)
*long Sigh* i am thinking - they maybe right and i maybe wrong or is it vice verse?
Grrrr... i so don't like this!
Mar 3, 2008
Falling In Love - Andre
Although the author of the blog is going crazy over bits and strips of fur at the Paris Fashion Week - she needs time to amalgamate the ones that have found her favor for this season.
I could not but neglect my current love and decided to voice it. What could my poor soul do - I have to hit the gongs in public, he's too far away for me to whisper into his ears... though I shall do that too, soon :D!
I helplessly fall in love with madness and beauty!
When I first saw him/her, I smiled instantly - I knew a genius was being blended into beauty. Then his images made me drool, sigh and smile, they are a complete turn-on, how could someone capture exquisite beauty with such brilliance? The images are visibly composed but they are not crafted and they flow - they call for attention and mark their space! I have seen this so rarely in any work of art. After spending hours every other day on him, reading about his work, defending his techniques, is just so pleasurable.
This man like my love Hans Neleman is filled to the rim with beauty and perfection. this crudeness and boldness only comes with the innate quality of being superior to the human race. The conviction that what you shoot will reflect a universe within and without you - that will shake-up this little ball called earth and transform the lady in the lens into an ethereal figure!
Yes, I love him - I love him to pits! It's not just this work I admire, it's him too, - the ogle worthy, hug worthy, wrapped in glitters package. The way he looks and clicks, sometimes I can feel him holding his breath seconds before he decides to press that forefinger on the shutter release with the speed of lightening.
Linda Bassman, you have a successor (in a wicked and bold sort of way) Andre.J is going to kick-ass and mock the hateful straights into suicide! Mwaaah :D
I could not but neglect my current love and decided to voice it. What could my poor soul do - I have to hit the gongs in public, he's too far away for me to whisper into his ears... though I shall do that too, soon :D!
I helplessly fall in love with madness and beauty!
When I first saw him/her, I smiled instantly - I knew a genius was being blended into beauty. Then his images made me drool, sigh and smile, they are a complete turn-on, how could someone capture exquisite beauty with such brilliance? The images are visibly composed but they are not crafted and they flow - they call for attention and mark their space! I have seen this so rarely in any work of art. After spending hours every other day on him, reading about his work, defending his techniques, is just so pleasurable.
This man like my love Hans Neleman is filled to the rim with beauty and perfection. this crudeness and boldness only comes with the innate quality of being superior to the human race. The conviction that what you shoot will reflect a universe within and without you - that will shake-up this little ball called earth and transform the lady in the lens into an ethereal figure!
Yes, I love him - I love him to pits! It's not just this work I admire, it's him too, - the ogle worthy, hug worthy, wrapped in glitters package. The way he looks and clicks, sometimes I can feel him holding his breath seconds before he decides to press that forefinger on the shutter release with the speed of lightening.
Linda Bassman, you have a successor (in a wicked and bold sort of way) Andre.J is going to kick-ass and mock the hateful straights into suicide! Mwaaah :D
Check my Sexy Out :
For The Day
Randomness Incarnate:
1) I saw a dead crow in the middle of the street, then a jeep ran over its body and crushed it completely.
2) I feed old people and street urchins, whenever and where ever I see them, irrespective of how late I am. I shoo away beggars and women who beg with infants in their arms.
3) I love bitter chocolate and espresso shots - they calm me down.
4) Movies have a unique effect on me - almost like my morning meditation.
5) I am sometimes thoughtless in speech but most of the times - it is intentional.
6) I enjoy the shock value certain things have - like meeting eunuchs on the train and striking conversation with them.
7) I am extremely judgemental about people with extreme judgements.
8) I weave factions with great enthusiasm and have fooled zillions with them.
9) My lie is often caught and I suck at it - although I am a writer. Gosh my future is scary.
10) My hair has a mind of its own - it is just as disobedient as I. Sometimes I think I will shave it off in revenge! on the other hand, my mind has a tongue of its own - whenever I see a mirror or an over-powering thought passes through the mind, I say it aloud, only to hear if it sounds as good as it reads in my mind.
11) I can laugh at almost everything - funny, gross, sad, irritated, unfortunate and happy. It is my back-up emotion and reflex action to everything unexpected.
12) I love god and know I am his/hers favorite child - I have been offered protection for every calamity of mind, body, heart and soul. I once saved a butterfly in college and it returned to my window to show me it was alive - it was my first "I am not crazy, but it happened' experience. Everything unfit for me in the larger picture is removed strategically by the universe. (I am sorry that the eclectic bitch and hyper bastard aren't together. I was unsure of what I felt when I knew they were together. But I am sad that he made her cry and became something that he hates the most. However, they deserved each other. Thank you god, for letting her step-in and bear the burns.)
13) I have super powers - a) I can tell you if a person has a good soul in 30 secs after I meet them. b) I have an electric charge and often receive shocks around metal objects and people with strong magnetic fields. c) I can tell which person has a serious past-life debt to payoff. d) I just know certain things - period. There are a bunch of scary and scarred things about my past life and the people that are around me now and were then.
14) There is black hole in my mind. I enjoy SAW and Hair Spray back to back, then have the enthusiam to watch Gattaca.
15) I am rubber and you are glue - everything evil you and do bounces off me and sticks on you!
16) I love pop-art more than Picasso, Guernica was such a disaster of a painting. Dali must have been quite a piece to watch in his hay days - however I love pop-art and Andy Warhol supersedes them.
17) I think too much about roads not taken, lives not lived and feelings not felt.
18) Photography especially with a considerable shadow and play of light on human nudes turns me on completely! there is something a photographer can do with a face and a body that no other art form can fathom doing! I keep falling in love with this form of art.
19) Fashion and luxury freeze me and am extremely critical of the same, just like the literary trends. I think Carine Roitfeld is probably the most beautiful editor the world of vogue can lay claim to. (she is unconventional looking and what she exudes is confidence and a shit attitude towards trends - the wild side of fashion is what I think makes her a class apart unlike the U.S (more celeb driven) and the brit (classical and vendor friendly) vogues'.
20) ..............certain things will never be had, certain emotions never be released, certain voices never be heard, certain memories never be shared, certain secrets will die with me.
1) I saw a dead crow in the middle of the street, then a jeep ran over its body and crushed it completely.
2) I feed old people and street urchins, whenever and where ever I see them, irrespective of how late I am. I shoo away beggars and women who beg with infants in their arms.
3) I love bitter chocolate and espresso shots - they calm me down.
4) Movies have a unique effect on me - almost like my morning meditation.
5) I am sometimes thoughtless in speech but most of the times - it is intentional.
6) I enjoy the shock value certain things have - like meeting eunuchs on the train and striking conversation with them.
7) I am extremely judgemental about people with extreme judgements.
8) I weave factions with great enthusiasm and have fooled zillions with them.
9) My lie is often caught and I suck at it - although I am a writer. Gosh my future is scary.
10) My hair has a mind of its own - it is just as disobedient as I. Sometimes I think I will shave it off in revenge! on the other hand, my mind has a tongue of its own - whenever I see a mirror or an over-powering thought passes through the mind, I say it aloud, only to hear if it sounds as good as it reads in my mind.
11) I can laugh at almost everything - funny, gross, sad, irritated, unfortunate and happy. It is my back-up emotion and reflex action to everything unexpected.
12) I love god and know I am his/hers favorite child - I have been offered protection for every calamity of mind, body, heart and soul. I once saved a butterfly in college and it returned to my window to show me it was alive - it was my first "I am not crazy, but it happened' experience. Everything unfit for me in the larger picture is removed strategically by the universe. (I am sorry that the eclectic bitch and hyper bastard aren't together. I was unsure of what I felt when I knew they were together. But I am sad that he made her cry and became something that he hates the most. However, they deserved each other. Thank you god, for letting her step-in and bear the burns.)
13) I have super powers - a) I can tell you if a person has a good soul in 30 secs after I meet them. b) I have an electric charge and often receive shocks around metal objects and people with strong magnetic fields. c) I can tell which person has a serious past-life debt to payoff. d) I just know certain things - period. There are a bunch of scary and scarred things about my past life and the people that are around me now and were then.
14) There is black hole in my mind. I enjoy SAW and Hair Spray back to back, then have the enthusiam to watch Gattaca.
15) I am rubber and you are glue - everything evil you and do bounces off me and sticks on you!
16) I love pop-art more than Picasso, Guernica was such a disaster of a painting. Dali must have been quite a piece to watch in his hay days - however I love pop-art and Andy Warhol supersedes them.
17) I think too much about roads not taken, lives not lived and feelings not felt.
18) Photography especially with a considerable shadow and play of light on human nudes turns me on completely! there is something a photographer can do with a face and a body that no other art form can fathom doing! I keep falling in love with this form of art.
19) Fashion and luxury freeze me and am extremely critical of the same, just like the literary trends. I think Carine Roitfeld is probably the most beautiful editor the world of vogue can lay claim to. (she is unconventional looking and what she exudes is confidence and a shit attitude towards trends - the wild side of fashion is what I think makes her a class apart unlike the U.S (more celeb driven) and the brit (classical and vendor friendly) vogues'.
20) ..............certain things will never be had, certain emotions never be released, certain voices never be heard, certain memories never be shared, certain secrets will die with me.
Feb 29, 2008
Feb 23, 2008
Just this - B'Bay, Business and World
- Too tired and piqued to write in detail -
- I am obnoxiously unnerved with blunders, acquisitions, mergers and takeovers.
- The power to destroy also unfortunately gives you the power to create - Arch head, there are times when I want to wipe that arrogant 'Try me' smirk off your face, preferably with a fountain of habu poison.
I won't bend nor would I give-in this time, you 'make me'!
- I am obnoxiously unnerved with blunders, acquisitions, mergers and takeovers.
- The power to destroy also unfortunately gives you the power to create - Arch head, there are times when I want to wipe that arrogant 'Try me' smirk off your face, preferably with a fountain of habu poison.
I won't bend nor would I give-in this time, you 'make me'!
Feb 21, 2008
Stuck-Up Or Just Morons?
I am so pissed... mostly with myself. I remember mom used to tell me that writing with an angry head is the worst thing to do - it also came as a hind sight revelation from my grandfather's letters to his brothers. Ours is a weird family tree - functional only because we are dysfunctional, insane in ways that allow sanity to breath in peace.
It's not everyday that i realise i have the quintessential Dadhe 'fuck you' spirit (most of the time, as B'abyite - i am least bothered) but sometimes people just get on my nerves (my horse is bigger than urs - thing or as in Mbhai we call it 'meri laal'). Dadhes won't tolerate that - like grandada would say - 'Ashil Tujhya Gharcha' (whoever you think you are, are at your house, not in my face).
Androgyny and Moss got on to me in the most 'I can't tolerate you, so why don't you go brain-leak somewhere else' way. As mentioned above. It came after Androgyny purposefully interrupted a conversation with my colleague! i understand he likes being the center of attention and we all do give his 'la di daa' ways.
I don't have anything against a man who behaves like a woman born with stilettos - i have a problem with a man who is a woman in the head. For god's sake which 'man' worth his penny prances in an inner alley in Mahim, with blue aviator shades and a carton of Lassi at 2:00pm? Whom are you giving attitude - the Muslim Cafe Azad boys, the six bucks sandwich wala or the pan bidi seller?
He was asking to be mocked at - his U-ASS gyaan and his chick parties and his cousin's sex life... freak - why would I want to know about all this and his super Tuesday (I haven't a clue what it is and why it is called so) when i am clarifying an important misconception with a colleague. We all have 'I am above the sundry mere mortals' attitude but we do know where to throw it.
And I am so turned off with his use of Persian language and script everywhere (his hangover does not go... be it the chat tag or sticking up things on peoples cubes) - bottom line we are not on talking terms coz he doesn't like being mocked at and he won't 'get over himself'. I am relieved, Demeter liked him so much that i could never turn to voice what I felt! Now i am at the liberty of not being nice coz the people i like, like them.
Actually Androgyne is alright and all but some people are not just 'the long run people'; and what is the point in surrounding oneself with passing faces? Yes, I know I am unjustly critical and overly judgmental. Frankly, I am just bored of him and i don't wish to bother myself with himself anymore. Yup, That's it - and in the true Dadhe tradition 'how does it matter to me if you exist, darling? And when it doesn't matter, why spent my energy on you?
* this post is a strict ventilator for saturated frustration.
It's not everyday that i realise i have the quintessential Dadhe 'fuck you' spirit (most of the time, as B'abyite - i am least bothered) but sometimes people just get on my nerves (my horse is bigger than urs - thing or as in Mbhai we call it 'meri laal'). Dadhes won't tolerate that - like grandada would say - 'Ashil Tujhya Gharcha' (whoever you think you are, are at your house, not in my face).
Androgyny and Moss got on to me in the most 'I can't tolerate you, so why don't you go brain-leak somewhere else' way. As mentioned above. It came after Androgyny purposefully interrupted a conversation with my colleague! i understand he likes being the center of attention and we all do give his 'la di daa' ways.
I don't have anything against a man who behaves like a woman born with stilettos - i have a problem with a man who is a woman in the head. For god's sake which 'man' worth his penny prances in an inner alley in Mahim, with blue aviator shades and a carton of Lassi at 2:00pm? Whom are you giving attitude - the Muslim Cafe Azad boys, the six bucks sandwich wala or the pan bidi seller?
He was asking to be mocked at - his U-ASS gyaan and his chick parties and his cousin's sex life... freak - why would I want to know about all this and his super Tuesday (I haven't a clue what it is and why it is called so) when i am clarifying an important misconception with a colleague. We all have 'I am above the sundry mere mortals' attitude but we do know where to throw it.
And I am so turned off with his use of Persian language and script everywhere (his hangover does not go... be it the chat tag or sticking up things on peoples cubes) - bottom line we are not on talking terms coz he doesn't like being mocked at and he won't 'get over himself'. I am relieved, Demeter liked him so much that i could never turn to voice what I felt! Now i am at the liberty of not being nice coz the people i like, like them.
Actually Androgyne is alright and all but some people are not just 'the long run people'; and what is the point in surrounding oneself with passing faces? Yes, I know I am unjustly critical and overly judgmental. Frankly, I am just bored of him and i don't wish to bother myself with himself anymore. Yup, That's it - and in the true Dadhe tradition 'how does it matter to me if you exist, darling? And when it doesn't matter, why spent my energy on you?
* this post is a strict ventilator for saturated frustration.
Feb 16, 2008
My Time
There is something seriously wrong with the boys of my generation - a year ahead and a year later - and I can't stand the ones born in 1982!
Grrrrr.... :(
Grrrrr.... :(
Feb 15, 2008
Yes, Yes; Love To You Too!
This post may sound like a paradox. Though, I am a romantic beyond repair, Mills and Boon is not my idea of romance, so is Valentine's day or the epic play Romeo and Juliet for that matter. Guess what did i do on the V-day? Absolutely nothing! I ducked Drama King's invitation for the fear of being compelled to meet and wallow in the deluge of love songs. I ignored Beach Boy's calls, for I could not cough up a good excuse to avoid meeting him.
In the afternoon, Demeter and I got talking about love and sex in B'bay. {The city is divided into the colorful evil and the colorless evil - B'bay and M'bai respectively. It remains evil though and I love this devil of a reclaimed land!) The B'bay part loves to party, make love, romance, fart with art, cry in the opera, eat smelly cheese, work as if they would get fired, and live like today was their last day on the planet. Though most of us shuttle between the two worlds, I largely grew up in the 'duh and dude land', so my sense of morality is convenient, confused and chaotic - almost like the usage of the word 'fuck' or 'whatever'.}
Demeter on the other hand has her world divided into 'I believe and I can't fathom'. Love for her should be penguin-like, so Byron's loves are not love at all. Chilmom was raised on the diet of 'one man, many wolves', so for her, 'her man' is the only man she'd every give any thought to. For Childmom, love is duty, a moral responsibility.
Demeter and I got on into a heated- 'love is not this - not this either' discussion and concluded that love has many faces. Each face is as true and honest as the other one.
I can't really define love anymore. For Demeter it is her unconditional trust in the penguin. She was lucky to find her soul mate at an early but I am unsure if I will settle for that 'soul mate' thing. (Though I definitely believe in it and desire one too.) I am wary of the magnitude of compromises that one has to make to sustain all this. She gave up her study scholarship to be with him.
The G-girl gave up her 'full bright' South Hampton scholarship for the donkey she is now married to. Does love demand all this? Is it worth it, in the end? G-girl was my biggest disappointment - I openly jilted her, when she broke the news. I only remember her sad helpless face, pleading me to 'understand'. I wish I had drowned her then. And later when I received her wedding invitation, I wished I had done it instantly. Surrender was her definition of love, she had risked it all, for a disheveled man she wanted to wake up with for the next 50 years of her sordid life.
Control is love for V, he believes that love is malleable and the person in love like a swaying blade of grass - Control the wind and the grass will bring you all the fragrance you seek. That is V's definition!
Adventure for Style Icon is what love is meant to be - he enjoys that edge, the tight rope, the second guessing, the mind game, the 'daily crises management' situation. 'Now, that's love' is how he often puts it -
For the Wise capitalist it is barter, equalization. Love is something that completes you, you must seek and be with a man that fills in all your blanks and vice-verse.
For Black Pearl it is madness - a violent madness that surpasses every emotion.
For Mushy it is solitude, he'd often say, ' You know you are in love when you share your silences in perfect nudity of emotion.' I have come to understand that, the skin and the barbs do not differ for most devotees of this form of love.
The Drama King's love is an acetic mix of horror and plight - he is a freak magnet to begin with and that defines his love. All his women are a little off the hook - be it the bald artist who is making an ice boat and will sail in it in the Arabian sea, or the cold, crazy Cat-woman or the pimple infested health expert, or the twangy ' i think i love you - but hang on, maybe i don't' woman (I can go on ...).
I can't point out a singular common aspect amongst their loves or lovers. They all are so different, so unique and its still 100% love.
Torch and I had our ways of loving and getting over. It doesn't take much for love to happen or fizzle; and it doesn't mean that the way we felt about 'the' person before that sublime moment was not genuine. The Metrosexual concurs with us. We three are as authentic as any human can be, just that we stop feeling the 'feeling' when we cross a certain threshold. We are yet to figure out why?! Our excuses often are ' I'm a whore, I'm a bitch, I'm a man' - respectively.
The V-day was a disaster for Torch, she was packing when I called to inquire if she needed some chores to be done. On her cuss word marathon, she was audibly upset and desiring to put up a garage sale - of the men who thought they loved her. "I can sell each one of them, and what is worse, they want to be sold by me! Almost begging. I hate this day, I feel I am so unfair, a heartless whore. I'm so F-ing harassed by this love business!”
In sync, we wanted to burst the heart-shaped balloons, feed fancy cakes to street urchins, rob every ones dinner and wine money, and save them the heart burn of 'fuck me - fuck you' aftermath that would follow months later. Love for Torch is in freedom, in the wind in her hair and no backpack on her back.
For me, as I am yet to figure - I often feel love is slipping under someones skin, more comfortable than yours and leaving a little of you that can never be claimed, rejected or pulled out. Like diving in a rising wave, at that 3-second magical moment, much before it caresses the shore and sucks itself back in, to dissovle into the sea.
In the afternoon, Demeter and I got talking about love and sex in B'bay. {The city is divided into the colorful evil and the colorless evil - B'bay and M'bai respectively. It remains evil though and I love this devil of a reclaimed land!) The B'bay part loves to party, make love, romance, fart with art, cry in the opera, eat smelly cheese, work as if they would get fired, and live like today was their last day on the planet. Though most of us shuttle between the two worlds, I largely grew up in the 'duh and dude land', so my sense of morality is convenient, confused and chaotic - almost like the usage of the word 'fuck' or 'whatever'.}
Demeter on the other hand has her world divided into 'I believe and I can't fathom'. Love for her should be penguin-like, so Byron's loves are not love at all. Chilmom was raised on the diet of 'one man, many wolves', so for her, 'her man' is the only man she'd every give any thought to. For Childmom, love is duty, a moral responsibility.
Demeter and I got on into a heated- 'love is not this - not this either' discussion and concluded that love has many faces. Each face is as true and honest as the other one.
I can't really define love anymore. For Demeter it is her unconditional trust in the penguin. She was lucky to find her soul mate at an early but I am unsure if I will settle for that 'soul mate' thing. (Though I definitely believe in it and desire one too.) I am wary of the magnitude of compromises that one has to make to sustain all this. She gave up her study scholarship to be with him.
The G-girl gave up her 'full bright' South Hampton scholarship for the donkey she is now married to. Does love demand all this? Is it worth it, in the end? G-girl was my biggest disappointment - I openly jilted her, when she broke the news. I only remember her sad helpless face, pleading me to 'understand'. I wish I had drowned her then. And later when I received her wedding invitation, I wished I had done it instantly. Surrender was her definition of love, she had risked it all, for a disheveled man she wanted to wake up with for the next 50 years of her sordid life.
Control is love for V, he believes that love is malleable and the person in love like a swaying blade of grass - Control the wind and the grass will bring you all the fragrance you seek. That is V's definition!
Adventure for Style Icon is what love is meant to be - he enjoys that edge, the tight rope, the second guessing, the mind game, the 'daily crises management' situation. 'Now, that's love' is how he often puts it -
For the Wise capitalist it is barter, equalization. Love is something that completes you, you must seek and be with a man that fills in all your blanks and vice-verse.
For Black Pearl it is madness - a violent madness that surpasses every emotion.
For Mushy it is solitude, he'd often say, ' You know you are in love when you share your silences in perfect nudity of emotion.' I have come to understand that, the skin and the barbs do not differ for most devotees of this form of love.
The Drama King's love is an acetic mix of horror and plight - he is a freak magnet to begin with and that defines his love. All his women are a little off the hook - be it the bald artist who is making an ice boat and will sail in it in the Arabian sea, or the cold, crazy Cat-woman or the pimple infested health expert, or the twangy ' i think i love you - but hang on, maybe i don't' woman (I can go on ...).
I can't point out a singular common aspect amongst their loves or lovers. They all are so different, so unique and its still 100% love.
Torch and I had our ways of loving and getting over. It doesn't take much for love to happen or fizzle; and it doesn't mean that the way we felt about 'the' person before that sublime moment was not genuine. The Metrosexual concurs with us. We three are as authentic as any human can be, just that we stop feeling the 'feeling' when we cross a certain threshold. We are yet to figure out why?! Our excuses often are ' I'm a whore, I'm a bitch, I'm a man' - respectively.
The V-day was a disaster for Torch, she was packing when I called to inquire if she needed some chores to be done. On her cuss word marathon, she was audibly upset and desiring to put up a garage sale - of the men who thought they loved her. "I can sell each one of them, and what is worse, they want to be sold by me! Almost begging. I hate this day, I feel I am so unfair, a heartless whore. I'm so F-ing harassed by this love business!”
In sync, we wanted to burst the heart-shaped balloons, feed fancy cakes to street urchins, rob every ones dinner and wine money, and save them the heart burn of 'fuck me - fuck you' aftermath that would follow months later. Love for Torch is in freedom, in the wind in her hair and no backpack on her back.
For me, as I am yet to figure - I often feel love is slipping under someones skin, more comfortable than yours and leaving a little of you that can never be claimed, rejected or pulled out. Like diving in a rising wave, at that 3-second magical moment, much before it caresses the shore and sucks itself back in, to dissovle into the sea.
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