Sometimes, I am incapable of feeling pain, I think I lost it somewhere in corridors my school.
Death
Death befuddles me - I can't never react to some one's death the way I am expected to. I think it is weird, very cold and unnatural. Cranky Hag died yesterday, 24 hours later, I am still searching for a feeling of remorse.
Apart from my sealed and distant behavior, what amazes me is the way people around me react to death. Their 'before-and-after' feelings about the same human being are almost MPD-like. Wisecap who has never approved of him was in a state of shock, Childmom couldn't speak for a while and Loudmouth went all out for the family (that was expected), however the most surprising reactions came from Chameleon - although he respected Cranky Hag, he remotely liked him. They all would frown when he called to say that he wanted to come join in - i remember, they would keep the receiver out coz he spoke for so long that it hurt their ears and he spoke non-stop trash. I have never found them saying anything genuine about that dead man. And now they are howling, beating their chest, losing their balance - over what and why?
I don't understand this - I never have. I didn't go visit, I don't like funerals, and consider them absolute waste. When I told Childmom about my 'lack- of- emotion', she clutched my hand - "dare not say a thing now or ever - for your own good. He's dead and you don't want to lose the people you love coz what you just said will never be taken without extreme judgement.” I wouldn't have said it, anyway. Nevertheless, the intense reaction and wide-eyed look got me.
I pondered over all the deaths in my family and realised that I hadn't cried on any of them - just didn't feel like it, coz they all had valid reasons to die, at whatever age they died.
Then I scraped through the things I have cried on - it was funny to know they were inanimate - like losing bunny's smile to a nasty kid, the books that were soaked at the end of my reading, the movies that I watched soaking Black Pearl's right sleeve. That's about it - no people in physicality involved - not even when Bulldozer lost her leg , nope. When I went to see her - absolutely everyone was crying, instead, we chatted about her footless future and ate chunks of almond chocolates.
Didn't feel sad when a pathetic loser was crawling on his knees behind me, crying - I didn't turn to look, or when a dear friend was sitting by my side - begging to be held and understood - I was laughing, I found her 'making a scene in public - crazy hilarious', she was over-reacting. I pass that bench every single day, sometimes I look at it and feel sad, and I know I was wrong to not feel her pain. I was plain cold and she couldn't believe I could be so - I sometimes can't , too.
It's a 'wrapped naked in barb wires feelings - everyone who sees you feels more pain than you are physically experiencing.'
Fidelity
This is just another notion that bites me: 'Torch and Beach boy slept with each other at the weekend party when I had a family-do to attend. I didn't know till last weekend when Torch rung up crying in the middle of the night, when I was on my way home, her guilt was suffocating her. I heard her out amongst the sobs and told her that I would call her up when I reached home. Reached, spoke to dad as he was waiting for me, and then went off to bed.
By morning I had 137 missed calls and 42 smses from both Torch and Beach boy - it was crazy - in precisely 7 hours they had spoken to each other and called me frantically. I couldn't fathom what must have transpired btw them. "Have you lost it?" was my first Q to both of them. Torch was crying uncontrollably and refused to buy that I had forgotten to call her.
It took me two days to tell her that I wasn't pissed, hurt or in pain of betrayal with their act. The two people I love - made love; just that. Who was I to judge or condemn, I have no right - and forget all that; I don't want to! They both haven't digested it, and it makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable to know that they want me to be angry with them.
Beach boy sent me a zillion things to tell me how much he loves me - Torch cursed herself and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't meet her - it saddened me to see her with bags below her eyes, swollen face, unwashed hair. I had to hold her, cradle her in full public view and keep telling her that I love her!
- I wanted to get up and tell the people around me, that the situation demands that we switch places. The cheat shall hold the cheated - not the other way around.
Sexual Fidelity - I don't think I believe in it - I am unhurt by her or his hurt. I felt bad but for a few mins - but was it worth wiping-out two important people from my life? Certainly not! I didn't think it was worth being pissed either. I have invested too much to let something so silly or temporal affect us. Apart from that, the amount of guilt they felt, was worse than any pain I could feel.
Though my stance and reactions made me 'the loving demi-goddess', the fact is that the what, when and why didn't matter to me. It is one of those 'I can't feel a thing' moments.
I would have reacted similarly to them murdering, lying or hurting someone... or so i think for now.
