Pain, et. al

Sometimes, I am incapable of feeling pain, I think I lost it somewhere in corridors my school.
Death
Death befuddles me - I can't never react to some one's death the way I am expected to. I think it is weird, very cold and unnatural. Cranky Hag died yesterday, 24 hours later, I am still searching for a feeling of remorse.

Apart from my sealed and distant behavior, what amazes me is the way people around me react to death. Their 'before-and-after' feelings about the same human being are almost MPD-like. Wisecap who has never approved of him was in a state of shock, Childmom couldn't speak for a while and Loudmouth went all out for the family (that was expected), however the most surprising reactions came from Chameleon - although he respected Cranky Hag, he remotely liked him. They all would frown when he called to say that he wanted to come join in - i remember, they would keep the receiver out coz he spoke for so long that it hurt their ears and he spoke non-stop trash. I have never found them saying anything genuine about that dead man. And now they are howling, beating their chest, losing their balance - over what and why?

I don't understand this - I never have. I didn't go visit, I don't like funerals, and consider them absolute waste. When I told Childmom about my 'lack- of- emotion', she clutched my hand - "dare not say a thing now or ever - for your own good. He's dead and you don't want to lose the people you love coz what you just said will never be taken without extreme judgement.” I wouldn't have said it, anyway. Nevertheless, the intense reaction and wide-eyed look got me.

I pondered over all the deaths in my family and realised that I hadn't cried on any of them - just didn't feel like it, coz they all had valid reasons to die, at whatever age they died.
Then I scraped through the things I have cried on - it was funny to know they were inanimate - like losing bunny's smile to a nasty kid, the books that were soaked at the end of my reading, the movies that I watched soaking Black Pearl's right sleeve. That's about it - no people in physicality involved - not even when Bulldozer lost her leg , nope. When I went to see her - absolutely everyone was crying, instead, we chatted about her footless future and ate chunks of almond chocolates.

Didn't feel sad when a pathetic loser was crawling on his knees behind me, crying - I didn't turn to look, or when a dear friend was sitting by my side - begging to be held and understood - I was laughing, I found her 'making a scene in public - crazy hilarious', she was over-reacting. I pass that bench every single day, sometimes I look at it and feel sad, and I know I was wrong to not feel her pain. I was plain cold and she couldn't believe I could be so - I sometimes can't , too.
It's a 'wrapped naked in barb wires feelings - everyone who sees you feels more pain than you are physically experiencing.'

Fidelity
This is just another notion that bites me: 'Torch and Beach boy slept with each other at the weekend party when I had a family-do to attend. I didn't know till last weekend when Torch rung up crying in the middle of the night, when I was on my way home, her guilt was suffocating her. I heard her out amongst the sobs and told her that I would call her up when I reached home. Reached, spoke to dad as he was waiting for me, and then went off to bed.
By morning I had 137 missed calls and 42 smses from both Torch and Beach boy - it was crazy - in precisely 7 hours they had spoken to each other and called me frantically. I couldn't fathom what must have transpired btw them. "Have you lost it?" was my first Q to both of them. Torch was crying uncontrollably and refused to buy that I had forgotten to call her.
It took me two days to tell her that I wasn't pissed, hurt or in pain of betrayal with their act. The two people I love - made love; just that. Who was I to judge or condemn, I have no right - and forget all that; I don't want to! They both haven't digested it, and it makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable to know that they want me to be angry with them.
Beach boy sent me a zillion things to tell me how much he loves me - Torch cursed herself and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't meet her - it saddened me to see her with bags below her eyes, swollen face, unwashed hair. I had to hold her, cradle her in full public view and keep telling her that I love her!
- I wanted to get up and tell the people around me, that the situation demands that we switch places. The cheat shall hold the cheated - not the other way around.

Sexual Fidelity - I don't think I believe in it - I am unhurt by her or his hurt. I felt bad but for a few mins - but was it worth wiping-out two important people from my life? Certainly not! I didn't think it was worth being pissed either. I have invested too much to let something so silly or temporal affect us. Apart from that, the amount of guilt they felt, was worse than any pain I could feel.
Though my stance and reactions made me 'the loving demi-goddess', the fact is that the what, when and why didn't matter to me. It is one of those 'I can't feel a thing' moments.
I would have reacted similarly to them murdering, lying or hurting someone... or so i think for now.

Mourning and Peace

Today is 28th December 2007, this date is important because yesterday was very important. Benazir Bhutto President of Peoples Party of Pakistan was assassinated. 27th also marks a date amongst my numerous epiphanies. Death when forced leads to abridged karma. One must complete the cycle of karma- and learn the lessons carefully chalked out. Hence 'thou shall not kill'. As fate had it, I accidentally chose The Motorcycle Diaries to be the next book to be read; the urge was inexplicable till, I came home to know the death of Bhutto. I start to read today.

I was yes shocked, like the rest of the world when, I heard of the assassination- it was just like the world was going mad. So much hatred, greed and anger will reap just this- but is it worth the cause?

Androgene wrote that she was amongst the grossly corrupt and the million rest that we have heard, read and written before. But wont letting her live and reap the pain she has sowed be a worse punishment? why hasten?

Everybody seems to be losing their balance and in-turn the one of their society. how can hate survive without infinite love? How can chains strengthen unless we are immersed in freedom? How can you respect tears if you can't see a sunshine smile? I want to know how? One doesn't exist without the other and eventually the former is destined to dissolve into the latter. Its the way it has been and will be. Is it rocket science to understand something so simple?