Howlariously disgusting!

Coming to that, last evening was hilarious! I was trying not to sulk the entire day, as beach boy and Lip tuck raced through my mind. I was missing them more than hell. there comes a point in every ones life when, we love a person so much that we don’t want them to make compromises for us but we won’t make any for them either; coz the wise head in us knows it would make us terribly sad. In my case none but I am responsible for my single status.

To cheer myself, I asked the Monk to blog something nice- he politely did but that wasn’t enough.

The day dragged through and while ducking out of work, Drama King (my bitch on leash) called. He had cajoled a nubile into traveling with him to the capital. I was rest assured, he was going to get her drunk and have a dizzy ‘sexy time’. I finished calling him sluttish and whorish and the other adjectives that I use to describe his gender before we got on to his ‘arre aap..suno toh’: that opened the hilarious story of the Vada Pav (the Bombay burger).

His lady of honour wanted to have this strictly Maharastrian delicacy after they crossed the state border, adamantly she ignored his resistance and his bribe to feed her the best Vada pav from the filthiest, most expensive and supremely delicious corners of b’bay. Read, in Drama King's dramatic gestures with intermittent bitchy gay laughter (reminds me of an ugly wench from an old Ramsay movie) here's how he goes--

"She wanted it right now! it was like her orgasm was held on by that one piece of bread filled with fried potatoes. In the bloody middle of the night, while I was enjoying my Wine high, she declares her fetish for Vada pav! The way she was talking about it – with so much passion and frenzy- I got an image that it was a secret delicacy for beautifying her boobs or something!

Finally we got hold of this guy who would get us the Vada pav and I ended up paying 4x the cost for vadas that were smaller than a hen’s boobs! All I could see was mustard lined all over- the seller asked if we wanted the balls inserted in the pav or would we like to do it our self? Yes, it was awful as his language was loaded with sexual innuendos and she was staring at him with gaping eyes filled with immense desire for that plate of vadas in his hand. He proceeded to ask if we wanted green chillies shoved in- and I was looking at her opening mouth (reading itself for that first bite of sinful mashed potatoes); suppressing my laugh and disgust, as I asked him to just let the poor chillies be!

After he left us with the micro mini vadas – she was a treat to watch – she gobbled and made ‘eating sounds’. I couldn’t help but say that 'at this point, she didn’t need a man- she just needed a vada pav vending machine and she did be good for life!' Frankly, I expected her to either laugh or retort with a nasty remark. She did none, except stare at my vada pav- I didn’t mind, but then again I wasn’t aware of her intentions.

I was sipping the litres of wine, we had sneaked in; when she asked ‘do hens have boobs?’ I was bowled over and missed u there mademoiselle. So, I played along n decided to wiki it- it was fun as we ended with some super-gross and funny things. I was relishing my time and took a bite of the vada pav- sipped wine and within seconds she snatched it from my hands and perpetually swallowed it! I didn’t know what had happened; my faintest memory has her chomping on vada pavs. What do I say, today’s women have some fetishes!”

Ps. My write up was brief and just an outline for u to gauge what it must feel like to hear from a straight guy (who is in fact a woman in a man’s body) with an amusing laugh. It send tremors of laughter and people around me were either jealous or had gotten laughing, with me laughing louder with every description in my phone!

It was a treat—and I by the time I reached home I was thanking my stars for all the wonderfully hilarious and boring (I retold it to the monk and a kill-joy that he is, he didn’t find it funny) people in my life.

DK- Don’t forget our Broadway beer pledge or I shall hit u with a Choo. [ He suggested I wear Choo (like i should wear all the strappy shoe pieces i have to work). I live in Mumbai and travel by trains. Can u imagine – a girl wearing Choo on a Borivali platform and strutting down the uneven streets in Mahim? The man is super crazy funny; and how I love it!]