Xanadu, Ithaca, Helios, Olympia… imagined habitats, worlds filled with magic and happiness, and then there is our world! The real world—which is not so real sometimes. We don’t know the amount of orbits we exist in, subjective, relative, subjectively relative, situational, justifiable, normative, deviant, involved, pragmatically involved, crashed, hyped, loved, blessed, hoax, spontaneous-- multiple layers, rolling out characters every single day with every single person walking on the kerb.
Is it easy to custom-make yourself to the needs of the other in your orbit? On a random basis I don’t think so. But then again don’t we do it? Persephone (daughter), Athena (working women), Aphrodite (girlfriend), Hira (wife), Demeter (mother), Diana/ Hestia (you) -- I am in a conflict--- to be or not to be who I think I am; is the question!
Assimilation, aberration, chutneyfication or Ghettoisation is the question. Is striking a balance d best? My bargain into the person I am and want to be. I don’t get the whole share but something is better than nothing.
Family, friends, work, me- doing the balancing act, I trip—everybody does. This is not a fantasy world of my mental construct- I may exaggerate my comfort but it’s a quest to remain happy. Writing about depression and living through it, for me, have been completely different things. Sometimes it’s just better to imagine shit -- than go through it. When in it, I can’t write about it- inspiration turns to self-disgrace n loathing.
So what if we don’t have a perfect world? I am an adorable daughter but I get grounded often. I was a fab girlfriend but the fact that it didn’t last speaks for itself. I'll make up for it and the next time, I am a little aware of the impending folly: this constant situational awareness makes me a nervous wreak and an over-excited fool!
I am going into meditation again.
