all that jazz

This post comes in weeks late. I hadn’t thought of it till yesterday: I met up with faddy and spied on his phone friend, who refused to meet him. We came to talk of liars: lie because you fear judgement, consequence, losing. I know I am not going back there coz I lied about who I was! Why do we feel the need to create and cover up? Size 34 for 36, 5 feet 5.5inches for 5-6, plump for fat, subtlety for rage, discipline for boredom; luxury for can’t have; then there are bigger fantasies incorporated to spice up life or tune it down; hey why?

Fear of being judged, left out, accused and then abused… silently maybe, in actions or whispers… what I feel right now is: mortified. Family does that to you; they have a special grapevine of aunts and onkels, who use Bell’s invention to its maximum cruelty: emphatic question marks, exclamations, fake jaw drops, accusations. I have over-heard them and jeered at mom and she has jeered back. “You r stupid, naive and trust people too soon; one needs is a donkey’s IQ to tie u around a ninny.” In a vague context, she may be right.

Let me reiterate Jesus's Q “Are u flawless to judge?” have u never tripped? Never loved someone who didn't give you another option? Never trusted the wrong people? Never fell flat on your face?

Style Icon was returning to the heart of the big apple and I went to have dinner with the family an hour before his departure. I had discussions with the wise capitalist throughout the day; her patent ‘why bother’ violated my desire. I was unsure, when there was no need to be- dad at the same time, with his undying enthusiasm couldn't make it. I did go and had a nice time too… a drink with the boys’ chats with uncle and aunt: I saw how things were crumbling and how they were building, slowly.

I love family functions, small gatherings, meeting cousins. I am also heavily influenced by the wise capitalist; I like her cold pragmatism, it works for her. I don’t know if it does for me that well. I think I am too much of a family leech.