Comparative Happiness

Midnight is not an ungodly hour for a post like this to be written.

After a long and a little boring jaunt, K returned home - unhappy, unsatisfied, without income and without the consistent element of fun that this "K has to take a break from work - and its recession, so 'credit card burners' be dammed, it's worth it!"

Randomness apart, K missed a few things: Writing for sure. And interacting with quirky people, feeling divest of ideas and emotions.

What K has learnt yet again is :
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Think, think carefully before you talk. K is cultivating this menial habit of 'do I need to respond?' before she actually does. The catalysts to this wise decision were the street smart Oyster Seekerand a proverb - 'wise men talk because they have to say something. Fools talk because they must say something!' - According to this one ' K's definietly the biggest fool ever alive on this planet!'
~

Why do we do this to us? Why do we trap ourselves with what is to be done - instead of what we'd like to do? K found an answer to this queasy question - it's just that we like to compare our happiness, just like our sorrows... and we do that often unconsciously, at least K did, till today.

To dissolve the abruptness, here's what happened. Three women got together - K, Childmom and funny face, and got along talking about their childhood memories and as Childmom regurgitated all her experiences with K and with the wise capitalist - it dawned on K's nimble skull that she was like those people you see in restaurants, the ones who look at another man's plate and say ' I'd like to have what he is having!' They rarely look at the menu card or contemplate on what they think would be the best for them. They just want to have what they think will provide pleasure to someone, in return having a fragile assurance of their happiness.

It was not a shocker, but more like a revelation....every buy, every attitude, every friend, every need was cross examined - and an hour later, K knows better. Or claims to know better.

Are some people born like this? What makes us become the way we are?

K's hunting for the answers, and instead what flashes by are all the mistakes that she made - personally, spiritually, professionally and emotionally. Mistakes that she thought would make her a happier person in comparison to someone she detested for being happy. Mistakes that she made in arrogance, mistakes that were a part of plain careless foolishness, mistakes made in greed of a part ignoring the whole....

This world is getting smaller and more networked each day - K has almost come to a full circle with surprised strangers linked to childhood friends. Lovers who she bloated over and now would not wish to even lay a fake claim to.

For everyone who is reading this - ' A lot of things in life are unwanted; a lot of mess can be avoided, if you just stop and think, think if it is worth the dammed trouble.'

The root to all this was a plain comparison of - 'If she is happy with 'xyz', then I have to have them in order to be so'..... a befitting mindset will lead you to a landmine that is presently K's skull.

Now the fun side of this ghastly slow work of local intelligence -

I can assure you that with all the bloodless blunders you make (now can we even count them?) - you are going to have a lifetime of adventure! The highs and the stomach churns is what you got to learn to deal with.

Remember only sinners can turn to saints who inevitably make history - neutrals only breath and cease to breath.

Love Pinned On A Soft Board

~ A very old and very lost friend once said that K was the mockery of love. K, sitting amidst a gang of 'I know you like the back of my hand' overconfident friends laughed in affirmation to all the blinking fools around her - and they laughed back at her!


Years later, K bumped into one of the fools and his love story with the 'then' girl was long over and as we decided to 'meet again', the talk veered to the old and lost friend.

Fool: You remember the old and lost?

K : Of course, he was such a darling!

Fool: you know, he was in love with you the moment you walked through that college gate.

K: Ya, I know, but he was a friend and I was not in love!

Fool : (Laughs) So its been years - are you not tired of all the dingle-dangle? Why don't you settle down!

K: I would, If i'd find a man worth doing that with!

Fool: You are telling me that you've never been in LOVE?

K: Well, I don't know if all that was or if all this is love - just not my definition bro!And what's so 'real' about love anyways?

Fool :(chuckle) made him stand still. You know, He told the that "Everybody falls in love, but when people like K fall in love, they make history! Just because they are so incapable of it - that when the real thing hits them, they'd burn the world to have it!"

K: LOL, that's a nice theory, he never told me so!

They part ways and she walks along the not so lonely Matunga street, reflecting on how she knows better now. K recalls a time and a man

"Being in love with you feels like being in love with me.- K wanted to say it to him, but being too proud, she refrained. Loving him feels like someone has sinned against a seasoned sinner, when the philanderer falls for a careless widow, and when you are being beaten at your own game.

So here's for him, to know and smile and grin...

~I like smelling of you.
~I like your prolonged taste in my jaw
~I enjoy the string of goosebumps, I get, when you nibble my ears
~I enjoy our stealthy smooches
~The jaw fights
~The punches
~The claws
~I enjoy the sensations my fingertips bear when I run them through your hair
when they linger on your inner thighs, buttocks, your back, your chest
~ I am swelled by the counter sensation of your fingertips rolling in my mouth
swirling on my tongue, your finger imprints, the finger knots, the taste that slowly becomes mine.
~ Your lunar laughter that makes me inevitably laugh
~ Your mischievous threats
~ Your loving hugs
~ Your pudgy fingers as they encircle mine.
~ I like the way you dress and pose, the way you check your neck, chest arms....and the way you laugh when I stand witness to your narcissism
~ I enjoy the way you clench your jaw with a happy irritation that I know you so well
~ I enjoy the way you bully me and the way you let me have my way all the time.
~ I enjoy scolding you as you plead a childish forgiveness, meant to be forgotten.

My sweetest and most peaceful moments are in your arms. Where nothing touches me except your embrace.

My strongest moments are when you cuddle up me like an infant soul in a herculean body, when you snuggle-up, resting your head on my chest and slowly drift into another world. In those moments I could slay an innocent whisperer for the fear of waking you up.

I am a better human being when I am with you. Maybe as the fool said - this is love, the passion to protect us will eventually make history.

Arsenals of Truth, Beauty and Joy

How much do we know each other - K and MIMI combated.

K's side of the story:
TRUTH - Not me. Never me. I like to live a lie. A very happy lie. That is my truth.
BEAUTY - Monica Belluci, Paz Vega, et al. beauty is me on the vogue cover.
JOY - is having what i want, when i want it and the way i want it.

MIMI's quotes on K :
TRUTH: K is sick. been that way for a long time now. she's getting better but she's still sick. She laughs when she is depressed, she dresses the best when she's suicidal. It's either that or shes wearing uncomfortably fancy heels.
BEAUTY: Bottles and bottles of body lotions and lip balms - it's not a beauty tip - K has very dry skin.
JOY: She'd be happy if she knew how to be. K will either die of a broken heart, in an asylum - if she lets her true self take over ever, or will die the moment she is filled with joy. K is incapable of digesting happiness. Period.

MIMI side of the story:
TRUTH: I like life the way it unfolds. I'm very positive about it, the best deserve the best.
BEAUTY: the within reflects without. u could be everything and nothing to someones eye.
JOY: smile and let go - yesterday is gone, tomorrow i don't know and today is just as good.

K's quotes on MIMI:
TRUTH: Optimism is a Godot. MIMI likes to wait in inactive hopeful insurgency for what may or may not happen.
BEAUTY: Fat. Short. Inadequate. MIMI camouflages her paunch with long kurtas and is extremely insecure of her body.
JOY: MIMI is a sloth that lives on leftovers (material as well as abstract) of other people.

K and MIMI haven't spoken to each other since this little game. They are hurt by each other's honesty and ashamed by the fact that they know each other so well.