Random Impressions of past moments

Its been a wild time since Enlightened came in, i have discovered certain truths about myself - some that i already knew and some that weren't so apparent. Like the drama king, he makes these one-line comments that hit you straight in the third eye. With Drama king, they are unintentional but Enlightened uses them at the right moment and with the right force. There was a flash when i almost jaw dropped as to how could this guy figure things out with such clarity of truth? I am super amazed. As he flew out today morning - he left me too many things to cherish. the madness, the impulse, the wisdom, the music (Bjork, tool, smiths) and half a dozen audiobooks.

Black Pearl smsed me on Fri night - i was amidst a work event and by the time i checked my phone i realised it was an 'upset head's' love message. Knowing him - i was sure he was either miserable, drunk angry or suicidal. So i called, messaged and called again - say like 30 times! I was worried sick and praying that he doesn't do anything foolish. Sat morn i get a call - “hey babes, whats wrong with you?” i wanted to crawl through the phone lines and smack him to death. (That moment i didn't regret the amount i used to beat him up.) He so deserved it - i spent the night thinking absolute rubbish, i was frantic and cursed myself for erasing his home number. I was on the verge of breaking down into tears; and our man put his phone on silent and dozed off - after writing an SMS that would make every sane person(who knew him) worry hell over.

The early morning conversation was similar to the one we used to have when we were together, the same babble - he teasing me over my fantastic- inclined mind and me cursing him to no end for straining my nerves. We were so over and so happy - and that moment i knew the ultimate answer to the question raised by zillion people. Why did you break up? Because it was the best thing to do.

Mush (the otherwise gentleman, who i have unfairly been accused of turning into a beastly disaster) emailed a one liner on Sunday “I still love you bitch, what are you going to do about that?” I replied, “Nothing”. There were a million things I'd say but i was too exhausted from the last night's drama - i didn't need this. I didn't need two exes telling me how much they love me from continents away. And with Mush, i was done away with six years ago.

Today i receive another email from him, “Tamburlaine can burn the city for Zenocrate, but he can't heal the stab wound, can he? How should you escape with 'nothing', my little soul thief?”

I haven't replied, i wont. Its time for silence to takeover. (ps. I hate his gall, his intellect, this counter-questioning and his hands.) I am deeply grateful that we live in a postmorden world that stresses on women's emancipation.

Mother-in-law (MIL) is back in India for a vacation, she called last evening and i was almost out of breath, confirming whether it was really her. So now am dying to meet her. There is so much to listen to, so much to tell. I am waiting to hug her, and tell her that she was missed. Her gaalis were missed. Today shall be the day!

Witness and Party

There are people that come in our life as bystanders. Our frequencies match with theirs only for fragments and then we befriend them. Soon to realise that there are things about them that do not appeal to us. And then we slowly walk out of their orbits. Gradually a time comes when we avoid them, everything they say seems to annoy us, they become the most unbearable creatures we ever met; and we wish they didn't exist!

All this is working on our mind and nothing has changed- and it’s not that person's fault either. It’s just us!

I am sure this has happened with many but for the first time I have seen something like this happening with one individual on a massive scale. And I feel bad that I am a part of it- I am witnessing it as a bystander and not doing anything. Maybe because it is not worth it, maybe because secretly I don’t want it to happen with myself or mostly because I just want to stay out of trouble.

However, I am not at my happy high mood and I wish all this would sort itself out. There are times when u realise that it is wisest to not be close to anyone-- this is my time.

Hold On

... to every
emotion, friend, family, hobby that makes you smile. When Halo died, we took it in good spirit: he was old, had a bad lifestyle and a bypass surgery. Dad was alright; till yesterday. Last night he went on a 'we will die in solitude and the loss is pathetic' trip. He's been emotional about death for as long as i remember, yesterday i realised why.

It's a common problem. When people are around us, its rare that we hold them; tell them we genuinly love them, make that small gesture, gift. We take it for granted; we postpone it for tomorrow. Then people move away, change cities, get married or just die. Suddenly all the repressed feelings surface: the sense of loss is not monumental but it feels profound. Here's where 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' frankly (i think wander is more real than fonder).

There are few things that i have gotten right about living, accidentally they turn out to be the most vital ones. I never leave a moment to let someone feel as special as i think they are. The important people in my life know i love them to death. Loud mouth, child-mom, monarch, wise capitalist, the man, chameleon, mandy, talkathon, stocks queen, mil... we don't meet often; we are continents apart but we do know in our locked away hearts that each of us is a phone call away. Unresonable amounts of money are spend on inane conversations; it pinches bad but in the end we know what we have and what we hold is precious.

Years down the line, when we are worn-out and everything around us is racing by; there will be few people to call, fewer to listen to you. But those couple of faces who don't frown when you talk for too long or reiterate the same point; are very important to have around. It is likely that they will be your spouses, cousins, your kids (befriend them), your lovers, friends.
People who care; and 'Care' is a very important feeling. Hang on to it!

Success and Conscience : Is Bad the new Good?

It has been pinching me for a while now.Being a slow learner, everything dawns on me later than expected; it's especially true when it concerns people. I am sure we have all met the Unbridges of the world sometime.

It's a trend that's spreading faster than a plague, I see a lot more of that category now. Its like everybody is coming out of the closet. these people belong to a certain category of presumed higher IQ and have a distinct streak for slyness. In fact, they revel in it! Pride about how certain 'things just are' -- like their OCD about cleanliness or fitness or spending unreasonable moolah on shoes that don't even fit right! ]

For me, they deteriorate me, steal something good within me. I start to throw the samee ugliness of heart in their face and that pushes me an inch closer to what I abhor.

A category that I really want people to stay away from, coz when you encounter such people you either toughen up or you become like them- both are bad options.

I have tried to pin down certain prime characteristics:

1) Remember the kids in school who swore that they hadn't studied at all for the exam, and turn out to top the call and then look puzzled about it.

2) Say the chick in lit class that kept taking your notes as she couldn't make it to college as she was crippled sick or was faffing with her current boyfriend? It shocks you to see her reading a paper on Anton Chekhov at the American Library. you question and she coos, oh- it was nothing, I was just flipping pages. You very well know how many pages she had flipped to write a paper that well.

3) Then there are ones that laugh at themselves and proudly endorse their bad qualities like: I am so cool at being a jerk! Or the ones that make up secret codes of 'AH-THAT' to ensure everybody else feels like an outsider.

4) And once you pull open the corporate stained-glass door, you will find that abominable breed, who know that 'the boss is called in a team party st the lands end and will be discussing projects at hand' this wimp was asked to circulate the email and s/he does it on the same day as the meeting pretending to have forgotten to do so earlier,the opening line in the email is: "The goof ball that I am ... " however the goof-ball has also accidentally dressed her/ his best and had file reports and ideas ready. Hmmm... 'just a coincidence you know' or I always dress well!

5) Then there are the ones who give you credit for some ideas you have just helped them with only to realise an emergency presentation on content of all new shows is laid out for you,funny part is that you aren't even convinced about the ideas, you were just toying with it.

6) The ones who turn around and say 'Oh, I am so sorry, I thought you knew!' when there is no way you could have possibly known. The ones that apologise after the damage is done.

7)then there is the twat of a boss who calls her assistant 'silly goose' as if it were meant to be a compliment.

8) There are always those who tell you that you are not fat, when your lard is bursting from the denims. and treat you for a fresh creme eclair, just to lift your spirits: because friends do that!

9) They come well dressed, with perpetual warm nature and the perfectly flossed plastic smiles. They will remember every body's birthdays and if they don't and you remind them, they will promptly go to the loo and wish them over the phone or just sms them before you do.

10) The ones that will send you a wish-list on their birthday and 'I didn't find the perfect thing I was looking for or he's going to get that skirt that I saw for you'. You never see either!

Even if the prima facie is to fall for, however it's scary to know what is in that dangerous mind of theirs. Often convoluted, smart and successful and are found in every field, including writing. Creative writing has seen some extremely jealous,evil, fucked brained geniuses.

Crux of the observation is: That your genius does not build your karma, nor does your success make you a good person.