Aazaadi

Jab yaar ki soach ek tarfi hoya ye,
toh use yaar nahi rakhte;
kyunki soach ka koi illaj nahi hota.

When your lover's vision is jaundiced,
you must let go off that lover;
because you can not cure a man of his thoughts.

Class Apart

Two days, a forgetful mind and four trips to and fro the city's blood line in a second class compartment made me realize a whole lot of things. I would've otherwise lived under the impression of my innate natural goodness.

I begin with a premise to clear the air - Am not the nicest person you've, you'll ever meet (irrespective of your perspectives).

1. Apart from the smelly crowd, the compartment feels damp (all the bloody time)!

2. The people like the seats are hard, I do not mean inflexible but hard, in ways that you can feel like it's their second skin.

3. A class does not teach a woman the art of Verbal squalor, the women are just as descriptive, prolific and diverse as anywhere.

4. Long ago (7 years), I too traveled in a second class compartment and had the idea that I could blend in with the tight lipped and the smacky mouths seamlessly. Now, I am wrong.

5. I like the silence (sometimes dead cold) in the 1st class, the no-interference even in a nasty fight or weeping bosoms.

6. The small talk bothered me, I did not want to tell my neighbor why and what I was reading. It was beyond her to understand that people can read without really 'studying for exams'.

7. I lost feeling when another lady in front kept talking to me and I kept reading Vogue. Or when I was urged to take a side in a your leg is touching me fight, and I simply ignored.

8 The grave difference that I found in both the compartments was - the green striped women look for support, agreement and approval - be it if they are shopping for 30 bucks bangles, a verbal banter, an over heard conversation, or a space between the third seat and the passage.

The red and blue stripped women read,listen to music, sleep and never really know who is seated beside them. They rarely talk, if they buy from a visiting vendor, they do so quietly and leave with out a line of insult or gratitude.


Childmom called it the over friendly against the reticent. I felt neither. The green stripped ladies had nothing to ponder about (constructive or not), and did not seek to change it. While the red and blue stripped dammes had interests other than vegetable peeling and jabbering.

I have very gradually belonged to the latter. I have chosen my side. I have sucked in my cheeks and raised my left eye brow unconsciously and have unsurfaced someone who did not care to be pretentiously friendly. I have no reason to be nice or not nice to people who have nothing to do with my skin. It's a hard achieved nuetrality and am comfortable with it.

VOICES

1) While on the topic of DK's ex', “We used to meet really early, and I used to get her keema, brune pav with maska and chai from Cafe Paramount. We had breakfast on my terrace and it was so romantic - i can never forget those mornings! I don't know how come that bitch forgot about them.”

2) "7:53pm tears streamed down my face, sniffing in heavy traffic, in a cab, holding myself silently. Questioning my courage, 'can i jump off the cliff when i reach the apex or will i too cower under the cold pressure of things left behind?'

3) What do you think about people who do not believe in love, “I think they are missing something. It may not be the good part, but definitely the bad part. You know the bad part is actually pretty amazing!

4) "There are so many things I could write but never posted, emailed or blogged them. So many joys to be jealous of, so many griefs that I thought I couldn't live through. Things that my heart can't live with even today. Parts of me that will be buried for the lack of courage and empathy from others. The tender moments live forever, like 'the wet walk on a drizzling evening, saving my file and an aroused yet shy body. Or waking up from a mesmerizing book to find a pair of burnt copper eyes peering into my soul with unblinking certainty of an eagle.'"

5) "On racing straight to work - An irritated voice, “For god's sake have breakfast me with today, and dare you ditch me!" Now sounding cranky, "I don't want to eat alone, I feel like I am in New York and my parents are dead.” This conversation took place at 06:45 am.

6) "Woman - the magic you talk about, very few men understand, forget believe in it!"

7) "The constant springing of the word facetious - almost like an omen asking me to take notice." (Scarily, after years, I hear this word in a foreign mouth, where it doesn't seem to belong.)

8) At the gym, “The woman running beside me, was thin and ugly. Ugly is not the word, she was hideous and was making those faces - I was scared. I was scared that she was going to puke on me."

9) There rises a tumour in me - when you say that name. That name, my dear causes internal bleeding.

10) This hocus pocus about ideology gets to me - I mean how d f*** does the political situation in Russia improve my g*** boss?

11) C says, “Personal is political and vice verse - you must uproot patriarchy with women power.”
A says - “ yup C**T rulz! I want to see them flash - ;).”
K says - “ yes, my dear man-slut, you shall welcome your own end.”
C says - “ We have to destroy gender dividers, not wait for them to go extinct, K.”
A says - “Yes, K - i want to be destroyed, fanna, khak - all in bed. C tu sala loser hai, hamesha one track ;) .”
C says - "D*** head, Ask your girlfriend - who is the loser in her bed.”
A pounces on C - fist fight. K shouts - ' Cut it out guys'
A and C yell, “ It a man thing!”
K shuts up and leaves.

12) V at 11pm 1999 :- “India wins, we are such good buggers! I am so losing my job! I need a coke, hey F make me a joint. What the fuck, it's my dad on line, listen guys get my math paper. I am so screwed. Listen K, i love u and I shall be your bitch in prison. Get me some plectrums, babe. P please, i need that sex tape, i get lonely without u. I need a kiss, and i need a kick. And food, A tera khana yaad aaye ga, and i need to finish my notes. Can somebody buy me coffee?” All without a pause, without a reply. V left that night, flew out in the morning. He never returned, for either the coffee, the joint, the sex-tape or the prison.

13) "Dreams my dear, are often made of Glass, the second you compromise, you scratch it. And remember, nobody buys a scratched glass."

14) In the canteen, "Life is about laughing at oneself - the best kind of humour is, in insulting yourself - that way you cease others from doing the same."

15) "A gift is a gift, it maybe a curse or a jewel. But it is still a gift. If mine gives you allergy, thank me and leave it by the sea." - I did.

There are some voices that come and go - all the above were said in situations that changed my outlook at life. They are frivolous and very serious at the same time. Sometimes what is less important than when - but most of the time when doesn't exist.