weekend - taunts and touch

Something very weird is happening to me. It is happening and I am just watching from faraway – unable to decide whether I want it to happen or not. It’s a new feeling, a new experience.

Recent observation had me jumping on to my defence instantly – be it with the Crankyhag, Moss or even Androgyny. My vitriolic tongue spews counter attacks with unimaginable accuracy. For one, I wasn’t like this; secondly I am not too sure I like it. It goes against my principles of non-violence. And for propagating the same, I am seriously violent. I reflected on the way everything was happening and realised that I am unconsciously deciding what I want; but I am unable to convey what I don’t want. That frustration comes out in unappreciated smart-ass comments and physical violence against the people I don’t like. Then again, its not that I don’t like them – some of them are my closest buddies, colleagues and family – what I am unable to tell is that, “dear Soandso, this trait of yours affects me, it makes me uncomfortable and I think I am beyond ignoring it; so please refrain from behaving like that with me henceforth.”

Simple, ain’t it? I told myself that today. I had to figure out ways of telling them the same. I am not a bitch and don’t wish to turn into one either.

Another element in the weird-sphere is of touch. I have been a hug-n-kiss babe for a while now; apart from my profession, ‘the kiss on the right cheek (unless you have bad skin)’ drama was a part of me since college. I have aced the art of cordial hugs. Now, someone even trying a friendly touch gets me mad – I have become a mimosa plant. The way I cringe away makes me feel as though the other person is a bad case of psoriasis. There is zero humaneness, warmth or any friendly love in the casual shoulder hugs that I now give – and it’s not the people. I simply don't feel some people should touch me . Its like they will spoil something in me - I am afraid their negative energy will rub-off and I will be responsible for it.

It’s been a while that tears rolled down my eyes. Say probably a year or so. Today I finished the book and the moved to watching a movie on sorority. The rules were same: independence, happiness, courage, grab the reins of your life, respect your desires, stand by your decisions, live life, etc… the loss, gain and absolution of fears and hatred had me sniffing. Then came the boo hoo hoo - why are people the way the are and how can they be so cruel, etc... the usual drama.

Before watching the movie though, I had a random discussion with Childmom, who pointed to me that I have been erasing certain people from my life by avoiding them even in public. Well, I would agree, the other day I met the gang for dinner, Crankyhag joined us uninvited. Apart from the fact that I had to reschedule the tables, I decided to not converse with him for the lack of mutual subjects. Conversely, picked on me the second he sat. I was teasing Monkeybaby and he made unwanted remarks in intervals; finally I retorted and Wise capitalist gave me a dirty stare, as if I was the culprit! I wanted to smack her, but I didn’t want to screw my evening. I am here to have a good time and I might as well do that. I cut both of them out and concentrated on a fantastic meal with Con-artist.

As we parted ways, Cranky made another comment and that too before Wisecap, monkeybaby and childmom, I was on my best behaviour and returned it with a plastic ‘ya, right whatever’ smile. What pinched me was that my friends didn’t say a word. Next day morn, I pulled up Childmom for the same and she acknowledged her mistake, "km on everybody was there, what was the point of picking a fight. He is older to u na, ignore baby, ignore. And he means a lot to Chameleon, so forgive him. Ps. I can’t tell u how much he got on to my nerves; I had to spend my entire evening with him, before you guys arrived.’ Serves her good!

My question still stands, why have different faces all the time? I sent out a ‘please do not invite me if ‘he’ is coming’ sms to all. It was reciprocated with smilies, alright - whatever, you are over reacting, and I understand replies. This had to stop – so what if I had to be the one to start?